Today is Sunday, it's evening and I have the Monday Eve Blues. It's been a long while since I dreaded going to work after a weekend, but tomorrow is a training day (and I have to deliver 4 hours of it) and that's just not my favorite thing about my job. It's also going to be a hectic week. I am doing a state level conference presentation this week - my very first one. This is a milestone for me -a goal accomplished.
Today I did do a little shopping. I had to buy my humidifier and other odds & end essentials plus find a birthday gift for my niece. I went to JCPenney because I knew they were having an awesome sale on kid clothes and saw some cute as HELL dresses there a few weeks ago that my niece would LOVE. So while I was there I decided to check out some jackets - like some suit coat jackets. OMG I LOVED IT!!!!! I bought two. One that fit snugly but very well, and one that WILL fit in 10 more pounds. I'll need some nice threads for stuff that goes on in April & May at work, so that smaller suit jacket will get a lot of mileage.
When I was bigger, I HATED wearing suit jackets. They were bulky and made me feel really boxy and a bit sloppy. The ones I bought today are nicely cut. I am finding that clothes for fat people are cut poorly and make you LOOK big & sloppy --or at least I FELT like it made me look that way. As I get smaller, I'm going to be looking forward to buying clothes that look really nice and FIT really nicely too. The jacket I bought for my conference isn't totally cut completely nice - it's still a size 14 and while I wish I could fit into a size 10 or 8, that's not far away. Last year at this time I was in size 18 or even 20 at my biggest in the past few years. 7 years ago I could only fit into a 20 or 22. It was depressing. For like 10-15 years. I lived like I was trapped in a huge body I could not reconcile in my mind. But that's fodder for a different post.
So a funny thing happened today as I was packing. I originally had an outfit picked out that was somewhat casual but dressy enough to look professional. I am still taking that outfit with because I don't feel confident wearing the suit jacket. I feel silly wearing it - like I'm an imposter and trying too hard at looking "important". I need to get over that. I AM important and I SHOULD look the part. I'm so used to hiding in the wings of the stage of life that standing out and looking the part is difficult for me. Maybe this week will be an exercise in breaking out of that mold.
I'll be seeing a former high school teacher of mine at the conference because she is presenting at the event too. This teacher is one who was the speech coach and play director. I worked with her a lot as a stage manager - staying in the wings and making the show go on for everyone else but never being in the spotlight (but for a fun little part where I was "killed" onstage and drug off as a corpse). But never as the main attraction or even supporting roles. Always behind the curtain orchestrating the show for everyone else to shine in and receive plenty of accolades for. I'm looking forward to touching base with her as an adult.
I think that experience is somewhat a metaphor for how I've lived my life. I've orchestrated many important things for people, always taking a back seat from the spotlight and pulling back whenever it looked like I'd be thrust into the light or *I* was the one to have the important thing happen to. It's easy to hide in a dark stage-right behind the curtains, running the show. It's difficult for me to be out there and PART of the performance and PART of the experience of life.
SO as I grow and become more of who I want to be and who I strive to be, this is something I need to reconcile with - I need to become comfortable as a main performer - as a "pretty big deal". I get that sometimes when I'm out and about. I cannot seem to go anywhere without someone waving to say hi, smiling at me in familiarization from across a room, or stopping by to say hi. I need to own that popularity and appreciate it. I'm grateful for being in a position where I am recognized and respected - and even sometimes disliked by a few people. It puts certain limits on me though, but I've just got to take the high road and be genuine. I have a sign in my home that says "Good Things Happen Over Time". I firmly believe that so I have to apply that mantra to the frustrations I feel by being a "pretty big deal" in my community. I'm pretty lucky. And those I've let into my life and will in the future are equally I suppose because boy am I choosey.
That's all for tonight, folks. Take care of yourself and take care with who you are. Surround yourself with people that make you better.
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