Home

Today I was driving back from a meeting in Duluth and I looked out my window and suddenly felt at home. Everything was familiar to me and it felt like I have been here forever and ever and ever -as if what I was seeing outside my window was actually a part of me. Then I passed a lake with fish houses, four wheelers, snow mobiles and people milling around and I felt "right". I don't know if all of this makes sense or anything. There is something about ice fishing that really reminds me of home and feels like home...it's very familiar to me. And then I GOT home and there were more fish houses on my lake with snow mobiles and people milling around on my lake. Wow. I really honestly feel at home here. I missed this kind of stuff living in Ada. A lot. I don't think I realized how much. When I moved here, I knew I had missed the lake and trees in the summer time (or just before everything was frozen), but now I can definitely say that it is a true assessment of my content of moving to this area. I really honestly missed this kind of area for the past 10 years -maybe even more because before Ada I was living in Fargo/Moorhead. Perhaps that was a major component of my habitual discontent of being there that I could never access or put into words. It always, ALWAYS felt like something was not "right", but I couldn't figure it out. I was definitely made aware today with a quiet whisper in my heart and head that this is where I am meant to be for now. I am home. Finally.

Santa came to my house today! I got my camera. Holy crap. It is very, very technical and complicated...well, I guess it doesn't HAVE to be because it is very user friendly, but it has awesome potential. Amazing. I am completely intimidated. Completely.

Expectations

Tonight I went to volunteer orientation at GRACE House. It is the homeless shelter in Grand Rapids that is housed in one of the local churches. It's sort of a "make shift" shelter that's been in this "temporary" state for about 4 years now. I'm planning on doing two evening (4:45-9) shifts a month -at least that's what I'm able to actually commit to. I'm looking forward to it. I really want to do this and get involved a bit more here.

I ordered my camera today!! I hopped onto Amazon today and found that the price went up a dollar, so I thought -crap!! I'd better get that sucker ordered! I should get it the early part of next week. Right in time for Christmas! YAY! Merry Christmas to me!!! :) I was going to wait until after the lessons this week in my online photography class (they are about how to choose a camera), but I pretty much already knew what I wanted, so I just went ahead and bought it. I'm pretty happy about it though. I cannot wait!!!

So...I have to make a decision on whether to stay here or not next year. I will be thinking of this a lot over the next few months. I'm hoping I can get my contract negotiated well and my salary can see a bump...I know the coop can afford it- I see the budget, I know what the individual district budgets are...I know they can afford to give me a good bump -a very good bump and it won't affect any of their budgets or anything because I know how much money is floating around not being used because of the absence of some other things. Well....we will see.

On another subject, but still related to work, I've decided to put into the principals' laps a scheduled meeting with me, them, and their special ed staff. I've described it as a "coffee with the coordinator" type of meeting where it's not a mandatory or systems based meeting (like child find, or IEP, etc), but just a scheduled time each month they can pick my brain or just bitch -get some frustration off their chest and maybe feel like they are being listened to. I'm surprised at the overwhelming response I've gotten from principals!! All of my Monday mornings are now booked every month and more to come. That is just incredibly awesome and I'm more than happy to provide this opportunity for them. It will also allow me to get into their building and maintain a relationship with the teachers and principals. Maybe some of the teachers' frustrations about regular ed teachers dumping kids into their classrooms or paras being incompetent can get communicated to the principal in this kind of atmosphere -because some of the teachers are reluctant to "cause waves" so maybe if I create a forum or a venue for them to voice their frustrations they can feel less threatened and get some of these things they complain to me about (but mostly each other) out into the open.

That makes me think....I've got to get on the ball and get some of my leadership books read. I've been putting that off like CRAZY!!! No time like the present!!

Well, that's all tonight. Thanks for reading and thanks for clicking on the ads on the page. I really appreciate your visit here. :-)

Hodge-Podge

Do you know that tomorrow is December 15th? And do you realize that means Christmas is only 10 days away?

Huh. I'd better get cracken and get some of my Christmas gifts bought. Usually, I make a list in August/September of all of the people in my life I give presents to and what I'm going to give them. I think quite a bit about it and put tons of thought and consideration into it. However, this year, I have not done that. Oh-I take that back! I have done that -I did that on Friday...but I have absolutely no desire to do anymore with it. I am half way done. I know in my head pretty much what gifts I am giving...however, I just haven't had the urge to go shopping for them. Maybe it's because I'm so busy with this job or maybe because I just don't feel...I don't know..."right". For some reason, I just don't want to think about Christmas. At all. I want it to come and go very quickly. I'm not sure what that means, but it hasn't really bothered me. I do wonder, though, if it has to do with the fact that I am pretty busy with work and don't have the energy to put towards that. Plus the fact that I'm pretty much by myself up here and alone and maybe that makes me not want to think about Christmas this year. Who knows! :-) It is what it is, I guess.

I have a huge list of "to do's" for Christmas break -and I'm talkin HUGE. Mostly, it's stuff for work that I have to get finished before January that I never have time to work on when I'm at work because I'm either running here or there, on the phone, addressing emails, or talking with whoever comes into my office to chat. I don't mind all of that stuff -it's my administrative style to be present, visible and accessible...it just means that I have to spend extra time on my own getting office stuff done. I guess that's ok though, right now because what else do I have to do!!?? Nada. So...I just hope I can get all this stuff finished. I'm kind of worried about that because I usually bite off more than I can chew -or plan more than I can actually accomplish.

So anyway...nothing profound today. I've got some stuff swimming in my head about a lot of stuff but I'm not ready to purge that yet. I've been thinking lately that I need to really take a good look at what I'm going to do next year. I'll have to start negotiating my contract in February/March. I'm really divided on staying or not. There are so many things I could do and accomplish in one more year...but I'm still not sure this is the right "fit" for me. So, I've got some soul-searching to do between now and then.

On a funner note, I've started taking an online class through community ed on digital photography. It's just an intro class where you learn about camera features, an intro to digital editing, and the history and application of digital photography. This has always been an interest of mine but I've always been too intimidated to delve into it -either because I thought the equipment needed was too expensive or it was just too complicated. It's a little more reachable for me now I think and in just one week via two lessons, I've already learned quite a bit. I don't have my camera yet...I'm putting off buying one until after next week's lesson -PLUS, Amazon keeps dropping the price of the one I want, so I'm just gonna let it ride and see how far I will go before I get too nervous and have to buy it! I'm looking at a Canon Rebel xsi. It's a 12.2mp, dslr, and it comes with a 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 EF lens. It should be a pretty good camera and not too expensive either. I can "collect" different lenses later on, which would be a very good addition. So maybe I'm glad that I wasn't able to take photography in high school...that was completely film based and although I probably would have learned some of the technical stuff in general related to photography, I can easily do that now with a digital. I remember one of my friends was in photography and I would stay after sometimes and help her develop some of her pictures. I always thought that was fun and I actually had plans in my head of creating a little dark room in my bedroom or some other area in the basement so I could develop my stuff "when I came home from college". Then I tried getting into photography classes in college, but they were always all filled up. :-( guess that wasn't meant to be, but now it is. :-) I don't know if I have ever told anyone that -my plans for a dark room and my desire to take classes in that when I went to college. Huh. Well, it's true. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

WHICH REMINDS me...I spent the weekend catching up on housework and office work and watched 4 movies. The Proposal (which I liked...cuz Ryan Renyolds is yummy anytime and Sandra Bullock is super pretty and I want her hair), 4 Christmases which was very funny...funnier than I thought it would be, The Ugly Truth which was surprisingly VERY good and Catherine Heigel didn't bug me too much and wow, never realized Gerard Butler would be good in a role like that-but he was and I very much enjoyed the entire movie, and finally, GI Joe, which I was pleasantly surprised at because I actually liked it. When I was a kid, in junior high-high school, I watched the GI Joe cartoons after school mainly because my brothers just HAD to. Well, secretly, I LOVED them too. Loved them. It was interesting to me as I was watching this movie that I completely remember all of the characters from the cartoon...but where was Lady Jay?? She was my favorite cuz I wanted to be just like her. Scarlet was too pretty for me, but Lady J was pretty but more kick ass in my mind-she was more of a leader than Scarlet and I liked that kind of role better.

But anyway...that's what's on my mind today. There's lots of stuff swimming around in there, but this is the stuff I wanted to skim off the surface.

So, thanks for reading, thanks for checking out my blog. I appreciate it and appreciate your passive listening to my thoughts. :-)

Man....I Can't Keep Quiet About This One...

I have an opinion (SHOCK, HUH??). An opinion about the Duggar kid that was just born. I have no opinion on that kid nor the family specifically but this is my opinion: 19 kids is irresponsible. I'm surprised that woman's uterus hasn't prolapsed. Regardless, filling the world with people just because you can or because it's your religious beliefs is irresponsible to me. There are plenty of kids who need homes and need loving families. Making a small town of people is maniacal and irresponsible. If they have such strong values and live by such great morals and faith, then they should be using that to provide a home to kids who are already HERE on Earth and NEED it. Not making more people. PLUS....I also have issues with the publicity and tv time this family gets. I really feel caution about that -how many other people are going to get this into their heads and make lots of people without realizing the ramifications of having that many kids?

Yes, God will take care of them and provide for them. It's called charity, it's called welfare, and it's called you and me. I really don't have a problem with that in itself. I have a problem when people act irresponsibly in the name of God. I can't IMAGINE how a couple who cannot have children and who have been trying and praying for YEARS for a child feels when they see things like this. It's gluttony actually. Yes, she had two sets of twins, right?? well, that's only 4 kids....that means she had 15 others single-ly. WOW. Gluttony.

I hope that their 19th will be ok. Babies born that early have a very slim chance of NOT having some sort of disabling challenge later on in life. In fact, there are some in the special education (and medical) field who feel that the reason we've got such an increase of medically fragile kids, kids with strange diseases, and some even think spectrum disorders, is because of all the kids we are letting be born premature. I think that's ok- if a kid's got to be born premature, they have to be, no question. But it creates a trickle down effect and people need to start understanding that when special education funding issues come up...and then their school district has to use general ed funds after the sped ones have been used up to take care of these kids...and then their school asks for tax levies to cover that cost...it trickles, people.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. One person having 19 kids affects us all in some way. Please, though, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful these people/children are here on the Earth-perhaps one or more of them will make an important contribution in some way (I believe everyone has the potential and ability to contribute in an important way if they are willing). But to bring that many people into the world when there are thousands who need loving homes -or homes at all- is a sort of gluttony that makes me sad.

It's like what our parents told us when they told us to clean our plate: "children in China are starving". Well, I always thought, if they are starving, then why am I expected to eat all this? Why shouldn't I be allowed to NOT eat all this so that there is more to go around for those starving kids in China? That guilt trip backfired.

Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just be more conservative; like if I could just follow things blindly, be more simple, and not have the perspectives I do. It would make hearing about stuff like this easier...I could be more socially acceptable in my comments and beliefs and it would cause me less distress in my head and heart because I can't agree nor support that perspective in my life. I grew up feeling a lot of shame -for many different reasons and it trapped me as an adolescent/young adult. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I've come through that by being true to my own thoughts and standing up for what I think and believe. So I'll apologetically say, I think the Duggars are gluttons and they are irresponsibly contributing to population pollution and taxing our already heavily burdened resources -natural and man-made. There are SOOOO many kids who need to be cared for. Quit being selfish and making more people. Take care of the ones who are already here. Start seeing THEM and start caring about THEM.

And really...just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Ohhhhh geez....Here She Goes, Preaching Again....

There have been a number of things on my mind in the past couple days since my last post. Let's see if I can remember them.

I'm becoming increasingly impatient listening to the drivel surrounding the "outrage" some people have over the switch of "Holiday" and "Christmas" for things like trees, parties, programs, etc. It does not bother me. I'm secure in what Christmas means to me and in that security, I also know and believe that it's not my place to condemn and bitch. It's a word, people. AND, by the way, the "Christmas tree" is actually quite pagan. It was FIRST a pagan practice for Winter Solstice in many cultures (Egypt, Rome, Druids/Celts) and that practice evolved into a "Christmas Tree". So many of our traditions were pagan to begin with and someone of "the cloth" or something thought, "oh dear, this cannot be, we must think of a way to turn this into Christianity!!!" And so the Christmas Tree was born -given meaning in the Christian faith, as were many of the Celtic symbols (such as the trinity knot or "triquetra" and the Celtic "solar cross" became the "Celtic Christian cross" after Christianity "came to" those areas). I could go on and on. But the main idea of this thought is: You are forgetting the reason for the season if you have a hissy fit over Holiday/Christmas interchanges. The only way "Christ" is taken out of Christmas (or the Holidays) is if YOU start to act unlike Christ. If YOU condemn your neighbor for their transgressions rather than work to live in harmony as a positive contributor to the human race. That goes far beyond religious dogma, it is a universal respect and care you give your neighbor. This petty preoccupation with semantics is silly; rise above that and be smarter about things. It's like people who think Christmas is too commercialized. Yep, I agree, it is. But I also feel that the Christmas spirit is merely the spirit of goodwill and unity with your fellow man/woman that all people should be showing the entire year round. No one can take the Christmas spirit away from you nor can anyone give it to you; you are the one who has to do that "inside" work yourself and decide to act in a way that benefits your fellow human beings on this planet. When others benefit, you do as well. And I'm not a socialist, but loving and respecting one another is not capitalistic nor does it have to do with any form of government. It is a basic way to behave.

And for crying out loud....when you say "xmas" over "Christmas" that is NOT a deletion of Christ. "X" is the greek symbol for the first letter of Christ (chi) and the Romans have been using such symbolism to abbreviate Christ for a very long time. In fact, "XP" is a Greek abbreviation for Christ. Go to church, especially a Catholic church and look around for that -most likely it will look like a big P with an X in the stem of the P (and MOST likely, it's on the priest's clothes and many of the Eucharist linens). Does that mean that the Church intends to "delete" Christ by using such symbolics?? See....be smart. Know you stuff, research, QUESTION, meditate on it, and decide for yourself. Don't believe something just because someone says you should. (so I hope you look this up for yourself after reading this!!)

Here's another thought. I went to Mass last Tuesday. It was the feast of the Immaculate Conception -a "Mary" holiday, if you will. I like Mary, she was cool and she was a great mother-she knew her son had a purpose and she let him fulfill it, even if she didn't like it or thought it was awful and stupid. She let him live his life as he saw he needed to do it but was absolutely supportive to him the entire way. That's the kind of mother I'd aspire to be, I'd like to think. I'm sure she guided him well with appropriate discipline and all that, but she let him be who he needed to be. So for that, I think she's cool and enjoy going to masses dedicated to her. The homily of the priest was intriguing. He spoke about faith and it was profound for me at that moment in time. Faith, he said, is based in questioning. It is based in a constant searching and a constant re-evaluation of what one believes. It is not taking things as "they are" or as someone says they are (or as religious doctrines & traditions dictate), it is taking in some information, meditating on it, praying about it, and questioning how it fits into your life -if it does. Faith ebbs and flows and requires a person to not be blind. He was very clear in saying that faith is NOT blind. If one has true faith it is because they've questioned, searched, and they know that it's ok not to "know" or know not to follow something blindly. Otherwise, one is going through the motions and chances are, how they live their life does not match what they profess to have "faith" in because they are merely following either tradition or what they are "supposed to be" following. WOW. Talk about refreshing for a Catholic homily!! I've thought this way for YEARS. -and it's another topic I could go on and on about: hypocrisy related to lifestyle and piety.

Ok...I'll stop my preaching!!! Yesterday I watched a biography special on John Candy. That was very sad. He was an awesome person who was gone far too soon. I've enjoyed his movies over the years: Spaceballs is one of my favorite movies of all times, Uncle Buck makes me laugh, SCTV was great because of him (we used to watch that when we were kids!), Nothing But Trouble...I could have done without-but he was ok in that-it was just an AWFUL movie!!, Cool Runnings made me believe ANYONE could be a bobsledder with him as a coach, and he breaks my heart -but gives me hope- in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. He was a good person through and through. I would liked to have known him I think.

Today I woke up at about 4am and just couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got out of bed around 4:45, made coffee, and started my day. I've watched the news this morning, did some office work I had to catch up on from being in St. Paul this week, and caught up on some emails. I've got a pretty big list of things to get done today yet -laundry, more office work, etc.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves. They are just opinions and opinions can change -that's the beauty of life, I think. We can think whatever we want and I'm grateful to live in a country where I can say this stuff in a public forum without fear of death, imprisonment, or mistreatment/torture. I also hope that some of my opinions make people reconsider their own opinions, if only to make them more steadfast in their own beliefs by re-examining those beliefs. I wish people thought for themselves more and had courage to live their purpose in life -I don't think people can even know their purpose until they think for themselves...otherwise that's someone else telling you what you're good for. No one can do that except yourself. :-)

So be good to yourself, be true to yourself, and know yourself so that you can be good, true, and wonderful to others. It'll make a difference in the world -or at least someone's world.

I Feel Like A Freezie...Rootbeer Flavor, Of Course.

I am freezing. I've been cold for about a week, but this week, I have NOT been able to get warm. I am even sleeping with a long sleeve thermal Henley and long flannel pants with an extra blanket. It's not that cold in my house, the temp says it's like 70 degrees, but I'm FREEZING COLD. That is sooooo not like me. I usually sleep with as little clothes as I can possibly get away with or feel restful in because I'm usually super hot all the time. At home I wear sweatshirts constantly and usually I would wear a tshirt -or if I DID wear a sweatshirt, I was hot-ish. Now I'm still COLD. I need to buy some very warm sweaters. And more sweatshirts. I talked about that dilemma already in a previous post. I'm serious people, I.Am.Cold.

I've been told it's because I've lost tons of weight -80 to 85 pounds to be exact (depends on the day and if I've kept up with my exercise...hehe...which I haven't lately!!) and have less "insulation". Well, I think there is some merit in that. Never thought there would be. In fact last spring when the dietitian told me that I would probably get cold very easily and stay that way longer (i.e. it would be harder to warm up -or take more layers to keep me warm), I was like Pssshhhhheeeeaaaaaahhhhhh, right, whatever! I'm hot all the damned time and I'll NEVER be cold -my blood runs fricken hot. I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong. Because now I'm freezing all the time.

I was at a workshop/training today on special education finance (which was actually very fun/interesting and kept my workshop-specific-ADHD interest) and the entire time I was FREEZING. No one else was!!! I couldn't believe it!! I was drinking hot tea all day to keep warm and almost put my coat on. Oh well!!

Again, another hazard of losing weight you don't really think about. New wardrobe=expense and less body fat=COLD. Maybe if I start to build more muscle I'll get warmer...maybe. That's a nice theory to think about right now. That and Arizona or the Mediterranean or South America or ANYWHERE south.

Anyway, I'm in St. Paul for a couple days for a couple meetings. A MASE one today and a Director's Forum tomorrow at the department of ed. I've got my hotel room set to 75 degrees and it is not getting any warmer in here. Man....I wish I brought my long sleeve sleep shirt with me, but I forgot it. I'm gonna FREEZE all night. yuck.

I have nothing profound to say today because my brain is frozen. I can't even type because my fingers are freezing. Not really, but they are awfully cold.

Now....don't get me wrong. I LOVE snow. There is NOTHING better than the first really good snowfall of the year -you know, the first really measurable one -when you can't see the grass anymore and the trees look like you've plopped white frosting on them -especially the evergreen ones and sidewalks are paths excavated with straight sides. Absolutely awesome. But the cold can go away. Far, far away. Leave the snow, take the cold. I don't want that. In fact....I like snow...for a while, but then I get VERY sick of it. But for a while, it is completely wonderful. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's serene, it's magical. Even snowstorms and blizzards. There's just something about them that really just gets to me, you know? In a very good way. I actually really like snowstorms and blizzards -especially the first ones of the year. I think there's a sort of magic or something in them and it makes me smile and feel cozy. But after that....enough is enough, so around the end of January, I've usually had enough. Sometimes the middle of January, but we've had a late winter this year, so I think that I'll be ok until about February. Then it's got to go and spring needs to come.

And this damned cold weather needs to go right now. I'm freezing.

Here or There? And then Gone.

I heard some sad news today. A teacher I used to work with at Norman County East whose husband I sorta worked with at Fertile Beltrami passed away last night. I hadn't talked to this woman in many, many years, but it was one of those things where you heard news of someone who passed away who you used to know and saw/interacted with on a daily basis and that's how they remained in your mind...and then you learn they are gone. It's a strange feeling and an even stranger thought.

This lady was very passionate about English and actually taught me a few things about different works of literature. I used to secretly love having students in her class so I could be involved in her class and go through Romeo and Juliet, Les Miserables, and countless other classics. In fact, I became a fan of Les Miserables in her class and discovered the fact that Romeo is a big ass crybaby who probably deserved to die, while sitting through her classes with my students and fighting with them to get her work done. I got to get to know a different side of my students through her classes and her field trips as well. While she was a very good English teacher, she struggled with special education and I was able to learn a lot about myself and strengthen my purpose in life in response to her attitudes towards my students. For all of those things, I am glad I knew her and am glad she was in this world. It was kind of weird too, because a friend and I were just talking yesterday about her propensity for concentrating on the fact a student wasn't doing their homework than the fact that maybe they are experiencing some kind of crisis in their life and probably COULDN'T do the homework. I hadn't talked about her in years.

It makes me sad when people pass away during this time of the year. I'm not sure if it's sadder because of the holidays, but I think that's true...even if you don't ever think of a person for a very long time and then find out they've died, it's somehow sadder during the holidays. I continuously dread the time I will get the phone call letting me know one of my loved ones passed away. Recently I sent a text message to a friend expressing my sorrow at one of his like-a-family members passing away...he immediately called me and I found out I was the first one to tell him. That was sad. He already was carrying plenty of sorrow of his own for many different reasons and that kind of left me a little bruised and battered myself. Sometimes it seems like we are bombarded by stuff all at once -good and bad things, all at once- and I found I don't like being the person to deliver that news to anyone -especially good friends.

So in my hectic day today when I was literally running all over the county to meeting after meeting, I intercepted an email about an ex-coworker passing away. I was sad...saddest for her husband because he is a stellar person and my heart goes out to him, but I also had happy memories and all I felt mostly was an incredible gratefulness to have known her.