Man...it's warmed up here in Northern Minnesota and I shouldn't be complaining...but I'm COLD again! It's probably because I've started eating right again. Whenever I eat well, I get COLD. What the heck is THAT about!!??!! Whatever! Anyway, I shudder and shiver constantly!
I was re-reading my earlier posts from this week. I find several holes in my thoughts. For example, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I often seem to take on a "live and let live" attitude or an attitude that some people find selfish because I tend to push self-focus primarily before focusing on others. BUT-I honestly believe that to be good to those around you and to live a life filled with purpose, contentment, and service to others, one MUST have a strong sense of self with an acceptance of oneself that allows for peace into one's soul. All of us have shit and garbage floating around in our heads, but cultivating the ability to wrangle that and rise above it is what allows us to not only grow, but to be better people. And when we are better people FIRST, we can be better people to others -in all of our relationships from work, to friendship, to dating/marriage, to children/parent.
Tonight was my shift at the homeless shelter in Grand Rapids. There were some new people there and some people from the last time I volunteered a few weeks ago. 75% of the people there right now are under the age of 22, 50% under the age of 20. These are only kids. I talked with most of them and one I knew already from other circumstances. All of these "kids" have been in the foster care system for much of their life. Some of them have been kicked out of their home repeatedly or have run away because home sucks so much repeatedly. How do these kids learn how to be a strong person? A strong adult who makes good choices? Yeah, they can say, "I'm never gonna be like my dad/mom/brother/aunt/sister/uncle/etc cuz I know how that feels"...but here's the problem. They do not know anything different. What role model do they have to KNOW they aren't being like what they say they aren't going to be like?? And who in the world do they have in their circle to give them realistic feedback??!??
I know people who have had shitty childhoods. I know people who have had some of the most traumatic childhoods imaginable coupled with continued dysfunction in their families through adulthood. I've learned a lot from these people. I've learned about resiliency and I've learned to appreciate the human spirit and will to live -the will to strive to be "more", the will to create a better life, and the will to treat their fellow human being with dignity and respect. It's not easy though. Once you're a "grown up", you've GOT to take responsibility for yourself and you've got to be the one to take charge and fix what's been broken in you. No one else can help you or do it for you because it's all on you. That's a mighty heavy-ass burden. Some people can't handle it. But some can. I think those who can -and who actually recognize their initiative and role in their own life- are more than survivors...they are shining stars, they are champions of their own personal hell, and they are actually, in a small, seemingly insignificant way, kindred spirits. To those folks, I say a GREAT big, "SLAINTE!" and toast a good pour of Guinness to them. :-)
The kids that I interacted with tonight at the homeless shelter have these kinds of difficulties and more as they mature and grow up. With no one to guide them -with absolutely no positive idols or role models- I really fear for their future and the future of their kids...because they will indubitably have children, maybe lots of them because that definitely seems to be the M.O. of the culture they are in. I don't know how to help them and I don't know what to do to encourage them to help themselves. That is a personal choice and it requires strength and courage. Lots of it. It requires hard choices and so many of us just don't have the fortitude for it nor the stamina. We blame our lack of such on our upbringing, on our parents, on our childhood, on our circumstances, on "the man", or ANYONE...but fail to see that the key lies solely within US. US. That's it. No one has the power to change or influence you more than YOU. You have the ultimate power for change. Always. You cannot change others. You cannot change the past, for God's sake. That's an argument you will never win and a path you will never be able to see clearly. Ever. You CAN create your future and you CAN influence your present. Even by a minuscule amount.
Do you know what the Butterfly Effect is? -besides that Ashton Kutcher movie? (haha) It means that a small, tiny, seemingly insignificant change or influence (a butterfly flapping it's wing) has the potential to change future events. Perhaps a butterfly flapping its wings in the right way in the right position of the earth at the right time will affect the weather (wind/atmospheric conditions) in such a way as to cause a tornado on the other side of the earth. Or one could think of Plinko. When you drop the plinko disk in a spot, you have little to no prediction really of where it will end up -there are several possibilities, several realities. The Butterfly Effect is part of Chaos Theory which has to do with the virtual unpredictability of outcomes due to slight variations in initial variables. That's how we change and influence our future, no matter how small. The 25 second delay I have one morning because I have to run back into the house to grab my cell phone might impact my future outcome that day by preventing my otherwise involvement in a car accident if I had been in that intersection 25 seconds earlier. We never know how our insignificant changes will affect our lives -but they are important. If we save one penny a day for a year (an insignificant thing to do each day), we'd have $365!!! That's a lot of money and would pay my stupid MN license tabs this year AND let me shop for something else I want for $25. If only I had been thinking ahead. Shit. :-)
But seriously, folks. I'm freezing cold tonight -but my brain's warmed up. I admire and appreciate it when people find their own zen and make their own "way" in life- the way that is positive and fruitful for them and their chosen relationships. That makes me happy. It makes me VERY happy because it gives me hope for the future of the world -or at least society. The more we are good to ourselves -the more we truly love ourselves, accept ourselves, and challenge ourselves, the more we can be good to others, love others, accept others and challenge others in a good way. And that just makes it better living for everyone.
And for all you religious nuts out there, isn't that what Jesus asks us to do anyway?? But really, religion has nothing to do with this. It is basic human needs stuff, people.
Thanks for listening and enduring another rant. I really, truly appreciate it! :-)
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