Cheating Dreams

Today is my birthday. Last fall I had wanted THIS day to be when I hit my goal of 150-160. That is not to be. But it will be soon.

I am concerned that 160 is "too fat" or "too heavy" for a woman. I keep hearing and seeing people of my same height (5'7") who are 145, 140, 130, even 120. I'm a bit concerned that I WON'T be satisfied when I hit my 160 goal and in my mind I keep thinking "but what if I got to 143", then I'll be just like everyone else. Comparing myself to others is my kryptonite and what causes me angst. I don't know if I LOOK like how much I weigh - but it's still there - that crappy number. That's a big reason why I'm focusing on the clothes I'm wearing instead of the numbers on the scale. It's hard though and it's getting harder the lower I get.

This am my scale said 182. That was a relief because one week ago it was hovering (if not at) the 190's. I'm back on track and things are getting better. I'm not missing junk food or anything else right now - and I'm very conscientious about what and when I eat.

Last night I had a dream that I ate tons of food and cheated on everything. I woke up feeling like "oh crap, gotta get back on the horse because I did it AGAIN and have to retrack AGAIN and start over AGAIN". Wow, was I relieved to realize I was DREAMING about this stuff and not remembering what yesterday and the days before had been like eating-wise. This whole week I haven't cheated. AT ALL. The only "cheat" I've done in the past week has been a can and a 20oz bottle of Diet Root Beer because I've been trying to stay away from diet soda. That was yesterday evening, so maybe that's what caused the dream. I also have been having an extra IP food now and then when I'm really hungry at night. I'm hungrier this time around than I was before when I'd do phase one by the book. I'm taking that in stride, not worrying about it, and just being mindful to be smart about it. It will probably not last. And if it does, then that's just what my body needs to get by I guess!

This is a crazy week at work this week and I am SO thankful that I am back on track with my eating habits. I feel great and a great side effect is losing weight. :)