AHHHHH Saturday! I love Saturdays. Saturdays are MY day to do whatever I want. Today I decided that I want to get up at 7am. I woke up at 5am and went back to sleep and snoozed a bit before I dragged myself out of bed.
Last night I met a friend from work for some drinks, split a fancy cheese/meat tray with her, and had a great catching up conversation. Then I went home and ordered in Erberts & Gerberts and let er rip. I ate A LOT. So much that I was insanely tired by 8pm and went to bed at round 8:30. I was sleeping by 9 and slept hard all night until about 5am. What a good sleep!! I realize that one of my tricks when I can't sleep when I am eating low carb is to eat a shit ton of carbs at once or have a drink or two and I fall RIGHT asleep and sleep like the dead.
That's probably not healthy at all and my slumber is likely because my body is slowly killing itself and trying not to die--but it works far better than any sleeping pill over the counter or not. If I can't sleep? Gimme a beer or two or let me eat a bunch of bread or pasta or chips/crackers. I'll settle right down.
Today my Saturday will consist of getting back on track eating-wise to stop some of the weight damage I've done in the last few days, a few loads of laundry, errands, maybe doing a photo safari with a friend later today, and just basically catching up on life. Next week is going to SUCK at work and I have some work prep to do sometime this weekend too so I'm more prepared.
I'm in a conundrum. My friends keep telling me to eat whatever I want when I vent that I just wanna eat some carbs and not stick to my plan. That's not helping me and it's hindering me because I'm TAKING their advice - willingly!! It's like permission for me to cheat. It's making me feel bad about myself and making me incredibly frustrated and mad at my choices, giving me more reasons to hate myself instead of loving myself. I have to stop venting I think and just suck it up and keep it to myself. The thing is, I keep WAY too much to myself already...I'm trying to be more real/authentic/open...but this just might not be the right thing to be open about. Maybe at least not right now. I have to remember that this style of eating is NOT forever and I AM tackling my food addiction well. But it's like being a recovering alcoholic and hanging out with a bunch of active alcoholics or just people who drink regularly without problems--it's a slippery slope.
YES, it's different because we all have to eat...BUT, we all don't have to eat shitty food that is not good for us. I do have to eat...but people who tell me that splurging once in a while right now is ok are like people who tell alcoholics that one little drink isn't going to hurt. Addiction is a beast and a control issue. Once I have "permission" to break that control even a little, it's all on. Granted, my slips now are NOT as crazy as they used to be -they are very small breaks and the majority of my choices are right on. But these choices are STILL detrimental to my goals and my plan - and soooo very detrimental to how I feel about myself. Being gentle with myself has always been difficult so when I make it harder for myself it just compounds things. Plus, I've been just beside myself with boredom and a bit of loneliness sometimes too - THAT makes me want to eat and just fill up with food. And that's the beast I've been conquering for years. Oh the stories of food-loving I could tell! It's pretty scandalous stuff.
SO this weekend I'm re-committing. Next week is Easter and food choices will be hard because I'll be at a relative's for lunch. I feel good when I eat on my plan and not only physically but psychologically I feel like I'm accomplishing my goals. I'm getting tired of placating myself and forgiving myself for my slip ups. And I'm getting tired of redoing my goal plans- pushing my end goal out further because I can't take care of shit enough to stick with a plan. I do just need to suck it up and get this shit done. Then I can be a "regular" person and have different issues to vent about.
No comments:
Post a Comment