So I'm wearing clothes about two sizes lower than I did in April of this year. Which reminds me that weight loss is ongoing and gives me a bit of apprehension about "will I ever really be "done" losing weight" issues.
The clothes that are baggy and too big on me right now used to fit tightly, thus accentuating my "spare tire" and other flabbiness. However, as I lose weight and wear smaller and smaller clothes, my tire is STILL there and I never really feel like I'm losing any weight. So my dilemma is that even though I've lost 30 pounds and two sizes, I STILL feel as if I'm super fat because the clothes I am fitting into now still show that I have a long way to go.
I also suspect that when I get down to my goal weight I will STILL feel this way due to extra skin. Going from 245 to 160 in a short amount of time means that my skin elasticity has some catching up to do. Therefore, I really truly do not want to lose too fast. I'm crazy impatient - like REALLY REALLY REALLY impatient and want my excess weight gone NOW, but I also realize that it did not balloon into this fatness overnight or within such a fast time. Still, even though I cognitively know this...my feelings about this are bothering me.
Weight loss is such a mind game. Staying on track really requires a lot of mental energy and positive (and nurturing) self talk. This is true for any healthy change a person makes in their life. We all have ideals that we want in our lives and we all have our "Master Plans". It really takes frequent revisits to our goals and reasons for change to keep us from slipping into old habits and behaviors (and thought patterns) that historically kept us from achieving these sooner. Changing ones life is difficult - but it's worth it AND doable. I greatly admire people who work hard to change themselves for the better. I admire even more when those people do so because they begin to understand deep down what they need to be sustainably happy -not just in-the-now rewards or instant gratification happy. That's not true happiness. That kind of situation is fleeting and actually becomes more damaging in the long run. I firmly believe that one's soul/life source is tainted, stressed, and cheapened by this kind of fast and sensation seeking lifestyle. This is where my thoughts on the need to be authentic come into play.
Authenticity is hard work. It requires that a person accepts themselves for all of their faults and vows to love themselves enough to lead their own self through a positive change. We also need anchors in our lives. For some of us, an anchor is a quote or saying. For others it is other people we feel good with, admire, and love. For still others, it is both and usually a combination of many things. I need people anchors and I need what I'll call "philosophical anchors" - those being ideas from others which could include quotes and writings of others that expresses ideas and ideals I want to emulate or at least TRY to emulate. I need people anchors who I admire who are doing this kind of hard work themselves -because I admire the shit out of that kind of bravery and insight. I love deep thinkers who still manage to have a sense of humor and are gentle with their dealings with others -especially those with misfortune, the "underdogs", and the easily forgotten/dismissed. And when I say "gentle in their dealings with others" I'm not talking about push-overs. I'm talking about assertive people who are capable of talking about more than gossip, the weather, and other frivolous topics that do not encourage reflection and brain stretching --AND these people have the doggedness to stand up for what is right and stand up for people who need help. I'm also talking about people who inherently know what the "small stuff" is and what the big, important stuff is -and spend their time setting their sails towards the big important stuff and not the mickey-mouse crap that sometimes consumes people. At the end of the day, what's left? I would contend that at the end of the day what SHOULD be left are harmonious relationships that challenge, compliment, and nurture each other and actions that create goodness and hope for other people. Those are the big, important things. I find myself tiring of people who assume things without considering all viewpoints (or at least the possible viewpoints to consider) and who tend to have a negative outlook or who look at other people as less in some way. Also, people who do not give others the benefit of the doubt and/or who do not practice understanding and tolerance REALLY upset me and I have a difficult time accepting those folks into my life. It's kind of ironic...those people who are dismissive or who assume things about others based upon past events are the kind of people I have a difficult time NOT dismissing or assuming things about them! See?? Life is a challenge and it's OUR challenge to find and promote real meaning. Being present and being authentic is a worthy goal for me and a worthy goal I feel EVERYONE should take on.
This is not to say that I don't sometimes get caught up in seemingly frivolous things. For example, I love geeking out on stuff. When I'm interested in something, I'm INTERESTED and want to devour all of the information I can. I can get pretty involved and nit-picky about whatever topic I'm currently obsessing over (coincidentally, I do this same thing with music...I will listen exclusively to ONE album or ONE artist for quite some time and completely immerse my musical senses into that world) and it can consume me so much that I start to focus on those dumb little things.
So my ongoing dilemma is this: although I am losing weight, I don't FEEL as if I am because the shape of me remains in slightly smaller forms. I need to be gentle with myself and persevere because it WILL get better. Keeping my sights on my goal and being vigilant not to get caught up in the small things (those "skinny rabbits") about weight loss, but truly see the forest for the trees. I am making myself "better". I'm actually extending my life in years and experiences -and allowing myself the opportunity to fully participate in life. I'm evolving into a better and better person, one who has much to give others -and accept from others as well.
And isn't that really what life is all about - or SHOULD be all about? Be bold, be true, be authentic. But be kind, be gentle, and be loving.
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