Good afternoon! 5 days until Christmas everyone! Today I feel very good about that. As you've probably gathered through my postings over the past 4ish months, this has been a long fall/early winter for me; lots of introspection and re-evaluation going on around the theme of loneliness here in this new adventure I'm in. This has been good -I have been blessed to have been able to be in this situation -which might seem kind of masochistic. It's been very uncomfortable and kind of new and if I'm honest, very scary. How awesome to be pushed out of my comfort zone and given the choice to grow! And I say "choice" because it is a choice. I think that's what I've been struggling with...the letting go of yesterdays and the acceptance of unknown roads and bridges to build today and tomorrow. Not many people are given this kind of chance to renew and reinvent. I'm very thankful and not only need to, but finally WANT to keep my perspective on that.
I've always been a somewhat hopeful person. Hopes and dreams, I believe, are all a person really truly ever has that they can call their very own. I've got my own hopes and dreams and have made some of them come true, have re-evaluated some of them, and have grown out of others. I'm still working on others. I'm hopeful, still. -and probably forever. That's just the kind of person I am I guess. Sure, I have moments of "woe is me" and "everything is hopeless"...but deep down, I don't really believe things are hopeless or things are so woeful. It's just a passing faze.
This morning I went to a different church. I want to find a congregation that is more community oriented and where I feel I fit in better. The Catholic church in town is fine and nice, but I don't fit in -and that completely affects my spirituality. Too many old people and too many young families or established families -the congregation is very family focused and very focused on their parochial school, which they should. I just don't fit in with that. I'm a single adult professional woman who is not cut out to be a nun or a "holy" lay-person, nor has much in common with others of my age who have families. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's my responsibility to find where I fit in where I can express both my spirituality and my personality. I need it for my wellness balance so that I'm able to be the best kind of person I can be and utilize the talents my Creator has given me. I've found that I need community and it's not good enough for me to just "believe" because tradition or practice says I should. So last night I thought maybe I should be looking at other denominations and just do some exploring. So this morning I went to a Lutheran church down the street from me. It's an elca lutheran church, which reflects the congregational inclusiveness of worship I feel should happen in our world. It was a long-ass service -WAY longer than a Mass, probably because there were also two baptisms and lots of additional music due to the holidays. It was nice and I felt more at peace -truly at peace and "one" with the world and my God than I have in a long time. I think I'll try this church out more and see how it goes. The people were kind and church wasn't full of all old people and families. There was much diversity. I very much liked that and felt at home. That's why I liked St. Joe's in Moorhead, MN. It was diverse and I felt I could connect with others there; and I did. Here I felt the same, so we'll see how it goes. I saw two teachers I supervise there; these two are teachers I have already felt much respect for and have been impressed by both their dedication to their job and their insight to the human condition. They treat their students and their co-workers wonderfully. They are people I don't have that feeling of "keep that professional barrier there" because they are already professional, but warm individuals -people I've "seen" goodness in and "felt" or intuited maturity and acceptance in. That further solidified in my head that this might be a good place for me. At least for now.
My cousin-in-law Tom called me today and after giving me crap about a facebook post I had the other day and chatting about how mean people are right now when you go out shopping, he wanted to confirm if I was coming to his birthday party on Jan. 2nd. He and Jodi (my cousin) are planning on going to roller derby in St. Paul and have invited a bunch of people. I had said "maybe" to the invite because I also have my mom's side Christmas get-together that day and I had to figure out how to finagle both. I think I've got it figured out. I'm really looking forward to spending time with them -and meeting some of their friends as well because they are good people (Tom & Jodi as well as their friends), not to mention very funny. So I'm going to do the Rotta family Christmas party Saturday morning through about 1:00-2:00 and then head down to St. Paul for roller derby, stay at Tom & Jodi's and then head out Sunday. On New Year's Eve I'll be spending time with my friend Cindy at her family's get-together. I always have loads of fun with them too, so I'm looking forward to that. And on the subject of holiday get-togethers, I'm going to Ada to spend Christmas Eve with Jami & Shaun's family and then heading to Perham to spend Christmas day with my folks and visiting my grandparents as well. If there is time, maybe I can do some ice fishing with my dad. I haven't done that in forever and it would be good to just spend some time wasting life away fishing, drinking beer, and shooting the breeze with my dad. Oh yeah, maybe catching a fish or something too!! :-)
I'm finally looking forward to Christmas and the holidays. For me, this year...how this fall has gone...THAT'S my Christmas miracle. :-)
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