November!

Can you believe that it's November already??? I cannot. Wow. Time is just flying by. In some ways that's very good. In other ways, that's very bad. I can't say "It's only October" now when people ask if I like it here and if I'll be back next year. I'll tell you, there are several things that I would be interested in seeing through next year that I'm starting this year...but there are far too many things up in the air, far too many choices and far too much time between now and spring to really know the answer to those questions.

I've gotten back into writing and that's probably why I haven't kept up this blog lately, not to mention I've been super duper busy and just have nothing left for much of anything after all the work is done. I keep a small journal in my purse and jot stuff down now and then and have my notebook by my chair when the mood strikes. I write about nothing and everything and it's only for me. That's the cool part. I think that everyone should do that and I've forgotten how nice and cathartic that can be for me. A friend recently referred to me as a "writer" and I said, what the heck are you talking about? And he reminded me of my notebooks. I don't consider that as being a "writer"...but maybe so. I never thought about it that way. It's just been something I do, especially when I have a bunch of stuff in my head I want to get out, need to get out. Writing is just my way. I don't talk a lot. I consider that "wasting words" sometimes. My words are written. That's just how I've always been. Also, I think this place has really been an inspiring place for me as well. I've been calm (for the most part), I've had clear thinking (for the most part) and I've been able to take delight in everything I see around me.

Want to know something cool? The other night, I think Saturday, Halloween night, I was pretty bored around 10pm and decided to have some tea with a hit of scotch. I had been drinking tea all day. In fact, I'm on a tea kick right now and it's awesome. So I was bored and there was nothing on tv and I was kind of restless, feeling blue and lonely because I was all by myself on a weekend that most people have fun. That was my choice and I didn't have to be alone, but I had chosen that. Anyway, around 10ish, I decided to drink my "irish tea" (that's what I call tea I put booze in) outside on the front deck in my Adirondack chair (my favorite kind of outside lounging chair!!). I was just there, enjoying the dark, enjoying the quiet, enjoying the subtle sound of rain still falling through the sparsely leafed trees, drinking my irish tea and feeling warm and a bit more content. I heard a rustling to my left and thought it was the wind, because it was sort of windy that night too -kind of the perfect "it was a dark and stormy night" without much of a storm. I looked over and saw a shadow moving. It was a deer. It walked across my front lawn, not more than 15 feet in front of me, pausing for a little bit when I took a drink of tea, then ambling on across my driveway into the neighbor's back yard. That was simply wonderful! Then, last night, I came home after running up to gas up my car and pulling out some cash from the cash machine and turned into my driveway to see a deer in the driveway and a smaller one in the front yard. They certainly didn't stay long after staring for a little bit when I stopped the car! -but nonetheless, another beautiful thing. Profound.

Let me tell you why these instances were so profound for me, especially the one Halloween night. I've had several times throughout my life where I've seen deer in very strange places very unexpectedly with an air of quiet reverence surrounding them. One of the first times I can ever remember was when I was in college and my sister Amelia and I had come out of Lakes Cafe in Perham after having breakfast for some reason. I think it was breakfast...I'm not sure really. We were almost run down by a deer running through the back parking lot. At first, I thought it was a large dog, like a golden lab, but nope. It was a deer. That was one of the strangest, most "you'll never believe what I just saw" moments in my life. Amelia can vouch for this event!! Then several times, I'd see deer here and there, like on the I94 bridge between Fargo and Moorhead. Granted, it was during a time of high flooding, but still weird and I called the police dept to report it and the lady thought I was playing a prank on her. Most of the time, I see deer in places that sort of make sense, but at completely unexpected times before a turning point in my life or before some kind of change or upset (good/bad, doesn't matter...and usually the event SEEMS bad at the time but is actually the best thing that could have happened in the long run).

So now I'm introspective because it's been twice in 2 days that I've seen deer unexpectedly in my yard. I should expect this, actually. Deer are incredibly common here and there have been deer tracks down by the lake and in my driveway (Audrey can vouch for the driveway tracks!!) countless times. But for me to encounter the event is significant to me. Always has been. And these deer never ever run away from me (unless they are already running or I deliberately scare them). They just stare at me and watch me intently...kinda creeps me out too. I don't know what they mean or what's going to change/happen...I never do until I reflect on it later, and it's usually something highly personal...I just become aware. So now I'm just being introspective about it and have decided to go with the flow. Introspective and just riding the wave of life right now. :-)

So that's my deer story -and a little disclosure of my world as well. Do I read too much into events? Maybe. But I'm pretty much in tune with myself and intuitive enough to recognize significance when it happens. I've got to admit that I believe in signs, I believe in fate, or God's Will, whatever you want to call it, it means the same to me. I don't believe we're predetermined, but I definitely do believe we're presented with paths and we make our own journeys through our choices and behavior. And some things are just too crazy unbelievable to not believe in something like fate. Far too many things have either fallen into place good and bad for me not to believe that. There have been many times/events/instances where it's almost felt like "clunk", there's another piece of the fate puzzle that just fell into place. It's been a strange year of that for me; a very strange summer/fall.

You know, now that I think of it, I had a VERY strange weekend. Friday night I swear to God I was having such strong deja vu and I can't even describe it right now. Some people believe that deja vu events are essentially "do-overs" where we have the opportunity to make a better or just different choice to affect an outcome. I'm not sure about that, but when that feeling happens, I am very careful to be very cognizant of every choice I make. Then, Saturday night I had my deer encounter. Sunday was ok but still unsettling.

So...now I've written a book, but if you've read this far, it means you've read all this anyway, so I guess it was interesting enough to keep your attention. :-) I have lots more to say. I think I need to start saying more -I sometimes don't because I hold an old false belief that no one wants to hear anything I have to say. That's an entire other post and probably not one for this blog, probably one for my notebooks. Far too personal. But nonetheless, I've got a lot to say, and to sign off, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Henry David Thoreau that means quite a bit to me:

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."