Change.

I spent the weekend back in my old stomping grounds, in the flatlands where I had lived for the last 10 or so years. It was interesting driving back there. I felt very good about the trip when I left, but as I got about 10 miles away, I started feeling anxious and a sort of a hopeless frustration I felt when I was living there. I don't know how to describe it or why that area made/makes me feel that way. It's not the people; I have very good friends there and I miss them very much. I'm really not sure what it is. Maybe that area represents a time in my life when I was just searching, then just waiting for the next thing...for my next "act". I knew I didn't belong there and it wasn't the place for me. That very fact evoked many different feelings because although I had made good friends there, I always knew I would be leaving and I would never be THERE always. I think that in itself was always unsettling to me.

So now I'm home and I have some things I'd like to do for myself before the weekend is over. I'd like to take a long soak in the bathtub. It's been a while since I have done that -and never have in my new place here. I'd also like to sort through some of my clothes and weed out the big ones again. I've "lost" some of my clothes...the ones I used to like a lot I've given away because they don't fit and then when I go to find them I am dismayed. For example, I had a really nice grey sweatshirt I LOVED, but found out I had given that away at some point. I have another one, one with Perham Yellowjackets on it, but it's not the same as the other one I thought I still had. Man I miss that one! Oh well!

One thing I do want to blog about today is change. Change can be good or it can be bad-depending on how you look at it. Most often, you can't control change -it's a natural progression that just happens and you just have to learn to deal with it. Learning to go with the flow and deal with change is one of our biggest difficulties in life I think. I know that I have moments where I struggle when things change. Relationships change, living arrangements change, and even simple things like your favorite brand of tea change as well. With every change comes an element of grieving of what once was with a resistance to what is now new. Even if it is a welcome change, there is still an adjustment period where we must adjust our way of thinking and living, even though we are happy about it. Change causes a level of adrenaline or stress (or "eustress" if it is a positive stress) to affect our equilibrium and disrupt our usual routine.

Some things, though, never change, even though we might change. I recently had a small posting exchange with someone on a social website about change. They said I had changed, but I insisted that I had not really, I had only just been able to show a different side of myself that hadn't been able to "shine" before because of other circumstances. They insisted that we DO change because God changes us and then they quoted a bible verse about being born anew in Christ. That's all well and nice, but I still believe that we cannot change completely unless we have that spark of what we change into already inside of us -we are not necessarily born NEW, we may appear to be, but we've always had that capacity within us, we just have not had the means or the way to tap into it. Whether the catalyst to reveal that part of us is by divine intervention or by our own perseverance and hard work -or by some other event that affects us greatly, it was always there. All the time -it is not "new". The word "anew" means to me "once again" or "repeated" or "in a new way". To me it does not mean completely and totally NEW and different. It is a resurgence of what was or what was already once there in some way.

However, I should qualify this response. If, by chance, a person experiences a physiological change such as a brain tumor or some other kind of traumatic brain injury, then perhaps one CAN change into something totally and completely new. If your brain and personality are affected by something physiologically or even if psychologically you are affected so profoundly that brain chemistry is affected (which sometimes happens in extreme trauma or abuse cases), then perhaps a person CAN completely change without having any sort of basis or inkling inside them already.

I used to be a very timid, depressed, fatalistic, quiet and passive little wallflower. However, inside I still felt I had a fighting spirit, a drive for leadership, a craving for confidence, and a zest for life I just could not access for whatever reason -and I often expressed these traits quietly and almost secretly -sometimes translating as being stubborn or noncompliant. Through my journey of adulthood, I've been able to conquer much of how I "used" to be and let how I "wanted" to be come through. I've made hard choices and I've worked hard to stay on this path of self-development. I've given a lot up in the process and I've made plenty of sacrifices. BUT, this change that happened in me was not "new". It could be classified as "anew" as I interpret it, but not totally, completely, and unabashedly "new" because I already had that inside of me.

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person. I struggle with "religion" because I find much hypocrisy and unhealthy thought put into religious doctrines that causes people to be very unkind to each other. I do not consider myself "religious" at all. I do identify with Roman Catholicism and call myself as such, but I do not feel I am a very "good" Catholic. I have a lot of disagreements with their dogmas and traditions. I find comfort and peace in the ritualistic nature of Roman Catholic worship services, the Mass, but I struggle very much with accepting in full faith a lot of things. I do not know of ANY organized religion out there that I have found that I could fully subscribe to. Catholicism is probably the closest I can say that I can agree with. However, personally, I feel that I have a bond and a relationship with a higher power that I access and communicate with on a daily basis. That does not make me religious. So to quote bible verses doesn't do much for me. I can interpret most verses five different ways, depending on what meaning I'd like to derive from them. That's the beauty of it though, I think, and what makes me feel more spiritually bonded with my higher power.

So I believe that my Creator gave me certain traits and gifts to work with and it has been up to me to recognize them and consciously decide to work on developing them to make myself a better person -or at least to make myself be who I feel I would like to be. The changes in me that have resulted have been both through grace and my own efforts. I firmly believe that. I can't take credit for all of it, but I can take credit for what has been presented to me as a chance for change. The changes happening around me require me to adjust my thinking and my perspectives of the paradigms I hold to allow myself to develop the ability to embrace the changes.

Change is difficult. When it doesn't come from you, when it is forced upon you, or when it blindsides you, it is a formidable opponent to reckon with. Grieving what once was can be a trap that some people never get out of. That can breed bitterness, contempt, anger, and an entire host of other negative, nonproductive emotions and states of mind -especially if we are not careful and remain vigilant. As much as I dread change usually, I also welcome it. It's a challenge for me and it allows me to flex my brain a bit -to consider other points of view and other patterns of thought. I think that's one of the coolest parts to being alive -having that ability to adapt to new and different things and the privilege to do so is actually one of our greatest gifts as human beings.

So things in my life are changing. Past relationships are changing, new ones are forming, lifestyle changes are happening, job changes have definitely been occupying much of my life right now, and I know there is more change coming around the corner in who knows what area. That's a constancy of life. If I've changed, it's only because I've flipped over my quilt to allow the underside that had been hidden to now show through; it had been there all along.