Gratefulness

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Wow. What a weekend this was -on so many levels!! It was the first holiday weekend in many, many years that I have been completely free of "personal/professional" development plans -either executed or planned. I'm just a regular girl now. I work, I play, I live. No more school. :-) Also, it was the first holiday in many, many years that I did not spend with any friends. At all. That was kinda sad to me. I have a very large family, but I only have a handful of very good friends and I usually spend time with some of them during holidays because they are as much family to me as my family is. Sometimes even more so because they are people I have chosen...or seem to have chosen, although the people I call my good friends feel like they have been pre-destined be in my life. I've got about 4 people like that and it's weird sometimes.

I actually hit both sides of my family this holiday as well and saw every single one of my brothers and sisters. Thursday I was at mom and dad's and saw Amelia and her boyfriend and Audrey. Albert, Jen and Grace showed up a little later then too. Friday I went up to Aurora and saw Andy, Amy and the kids and hung out there for a while. And then Saturday I went back to Perham and saw Anna and Ben who showed up to surprise mom and dad. I went over to Grandma Rottas and saw most of my aunts and uncles there and my Grandma. That was really nice. I am making chicken chili for Christmas dinner on January 2nd and volunteered to try my hand at making Beer Cheese Soup in honor of my uncle Paul who passed away last year...he always brought that and when no one jumped in to say they'd make it, I volunteered. A great challenge and something to occupy my time with during Christmas vacation. Then I went to the Doll family thanksgiving celebration at the St. Lawrence church hall near Rush Lake (rural Perham). It was very, very fun. I had fun with my cousins and my cousins-in-law and siblings. Aunts and uncles were ok as well. We had an ugly sweater contest. I decided to amp it up and wore my "eatin britches" -an old pair of bib overalls that my dad used to have long ago. They were pretty big & with my ugly sweater it was grotesque!! It was awesome -and I won the "girl" ugly sweater contest. Score!!! The food was good too. I brought a bottle of whiskey because I don't like box wine and I know at least some people would appreciate whiskey too, and I was not wrong. My uncle Tim ended up drinking over half the bottle...but I got in trouble about it. Apparently Grandpa got angry, found out it was ME who brought it and therefore, my fault. Retarded. But typical.

I wasn't going to go. I have a very difficult time sometimes with that family because I don't feel like I fit in or don't feel like I live up to what they think I should be. Lately, I've been doing A LOT of thinking, a lot of sorting out in my head, and a lot of taking inventory in my life. And you know what I've decided? I don't care. Here's what I care about: Making sure people are treated fairly. Making sure that people are treating OTHER people fairly. Making sure people are being kind to each other. Making sure people are treated kindly. That's it. I'll do whatever the hell I want to otherwise. I'll show up with a bottle of whiskey, huge paint-splattered bib overalls and a realllll ugly sweater, get a bit tipsy and be as loud as I want to playing Apples to Apples with my cousins. I won't stay for church (which I am GLAD about because I guess the priest is a hate-mongerer... OOOOOOOOO that would have PISSED me off) and I'll be unapologetic for being loud and standing up for people I feel are treated wrongly. I'll always and forever side with the underdog. Always. I'll defend and I'll make time with the "enemy" if I feel they are being treated unfairly. Because I know what it feels like to be left out, misunderstood, left alone, fend for myself, and not have a defender, only a prosecutor telling me how wrong and how bad I am. In some ways....I think it's my family's fault I'm like this.

And I'm grateful for that.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my life's journey. I'm grateful for my friends. ...for many different reasons -good reasons, twisted reasons, sweet reasons, positive reasons, tragic reasons, sad reasons, future-focused reasons. Reasons don't matter. The thankfulness does.

When I reflect on my life, I've come a long way. I've affected many people, mostly positively I hope. I've made some mistakes and I do have a few regrets about hurting some people and wish I could go back and fix that -but I've been able to let that go and accept it for what's meant to be. I feel like I've been so very privileged to be able to do the work I do -from classroom teacher to special ed administrator. It's my purpose. It gives me a positive outlet to advocate for those underdogs, to be outspoken for those who can't speak out, and in some ways, reconcile myself inside that had needed that kind of an advocate at different points of my life. So in some ways, this talent, this conviction that I have to help others is entirely selfish. This compassion that I am capable of, this insight I am able to access, this understanding I am able to be secure in is helpful to me and helps me be the person I am happy being.

So I don't care if that makes me seem defiant, outspoken, uncooperative, reckless, or "bad". I don't care if people don't like what I have to say sometimes. I'm the person I have to live with. At the end of the day I have to answer to myself. I have to be the first person that is ok with myself -so I have to live my life so that I am able to BE ok with myself. I can't be any good to any one else in any meaningful capacity ever if I'm not first and foremost good and strong with myself.

This weekend was good. I saw lots of family. I spoke with -or at least texted- all four of my good friends, even though one of them was tainted in loss and other icky stuff -it was still good and ok. I put up my Christmas tree -and I decided that only lights are going on it this year. No ornaments. For some reason, I don't have it in me to do more than lights on it this year. I love the Holidays, but if I'm not careful, they are very empty and depressing for me. However, the Thanksgiving holiday was a success because I remembered to be myself and do what I wanted to do.

I'm looking forward to December. November felt like it sucked a lot. I'm looking forward to finding my place more and getting more involved in life. I'm hoping there is life up here to get involved in...I'm not sure though. I'm kinda scared about that -what if I moved to another Ada, MN?? Great. Well, I've got until about February/March to figure that out and decide what next year is going to look like, so I'll give it a very good shot. :-)

In the meantime, I'm going to buy my camera and capture some things, find some parts of me in what I see around here everyday. I'm also going to go back to where I was for 10 years and capture parts of me that are there as well -when I was living there I wished so many times I had one to take pictures of stuff. I want to learn to ski. I want to do more stained glass projects. I want to get stronger and lose probably 30 more pounds -at least 10-15 this winter. I want to play more piano. I want to write more. I want to get some books on leadership read and studied. I want to meet more people and feel part of a community and part of a group.

I was dreading Thanksgiving -this entire weekend because of how much unstructured time I'd have. A lot of things had been bothering me in the month of November and I've been feeling a bit unsettled with several things up in the air and un-confronted. But inside of it all, with everything swirling around, settling, and changing like the fall-into-winter season change, things turned out ok. I found gratefulness...or, rather, perhaps it found me.