The Human Condition

This week I've had several moments where I was amazed at the human condition. The ability to bounce back after a profound loss -to keep plugging away when all you've got is a huge hole inside you, the interwoven patterns in our lives that try to both devastate us and keep us afloat all the same, the power of camaraderie and sharing, the point at which one has to ask, "Is this the right path for me? And if it's not, what would I be satisfied with?", and the infinite love and adoration a parent has for their child who will never be "normal".

This morning I was in a meeting with parents for their child who is incredibly mentally ill. Although I was only there as a support for all parties present: the special education teacher, the principal ("the district"), and the parents (including the student who was not present), I was a part of the meeting and the experience changed me a little. I can't go into details, but what I do want to communicate is what I saw in the parents. Here is a mother who has a child who she knows is never, ever going to be like anybody else. This child will never, ever live a "normal" life; the child will never, ever be "easy" to parent. Here is also a step father who is absolutely in love with this child and you would never guess that he was not this child's biological father -he has a bond and a love so strong that it's unfathomable.

Mom and dad know this child won't be "normal" and they accept that. What they do not accept is the fact that under "ordinary" circumstances, "normal" people might have given up on this child or put this child in some kind of facility to manage them. These parents choose not to; they are dedicated to being a family WITH this child, even though people think they are crazy and continuously refer them to social services for neglect. There is no neglect here, there is only a shift of the paradigm of what it means to deal with a special needs child in the arms of the family.

Mom and dad have chosen to celebrate this child's strengths and this child's uniqueness. This child's condition causes very immature behavior and even though the child is older than elementary school, the child's best friend is a 4 year old because the 4 year old is playful, kind, nonjudging, and "safe" to be friends with for this child. Mom and dad support this. The child sees the world completely different than "normal" people and what this child sees is often incredibly frightening. That's hard to manage sometimes and causes many things we take for granted (like looking into mirrors, having someone smile at us, and simply our sense of touch) a very big deal for this kid to handle without a whole lot of support. This child would be a handful for anyone out in the community. The child is very strange and would definitely be looked at as crazy, weird, and parented poorly by the general public -and has been. However, I know this kid's story, I know this family's story and it astounds me.

This family has made some very hard choices and has chosen to live with the quirks, challenges, and almost danger this child presents with. We often say in education, especially special education -and in fact, in any human services field- that it's not the kid's fault. People are born sometimes with huge challenges. It's not fair, it's not right, and it is really too bad. But blaming the child, and oftentimes, blaming the family is counterproductive to progress because it's not their fault so we cannot treat the situation like that. Sitting there in that meeting, listening to the mom and dad speak so lovingly, with humor -both self-depreciating and joyful- about their child, I felt incredibly privileged. While there are several things this family has chosen to do that I am not sure I would agree with, I've got to admit that I don't live their life. I don't live with the constancy of the challenges this child presents and I don't live with the stigma of having such a child. So to see two people keep a family together while still advocating so very well for their child was humbling to me. I'm not sure I would be as strong, as resilient, as supportive, as accepting, and as tolerable as these parents are -or have learned to become.

It really gives a person perspective. It shows how the human condition is resilient and how we do have the ability to make hard choices and make them work -even when it takes so much out of us. It's difficult, it makes us cry, it drains us, and it tries to steal our very soul, but in the end I think if we look back, we can see that yes, we embraced this challenge and we treated this special child as a human being, respecting the difference as part of them -just as we would respect their preference for dark meat over white meat.

To be able to see the wonderfulness of this child shine brighter than the differences and the "wrongness" of the child's condition is a personification of grace. So very often we see the bad of the human condition: the wars, the anger, the dysfunction, the meanness, the selfishness, the greed, etc. I could go on and on. But at times like this, when I get to be a part of this kind of experience, I'm reminded that we are wondrous in our existence -we CAN be wondrous if we make the choice. These are the great moments in my job. When parents and families allow me into their lives and allow me to experience their lives, their challenges, their triumphs (as small as they might be at times), their love for their child, I am humbled and thankful to be able to see this side of humanity. And sometimes I am even more privileged and am invited into their lives to help if I can.

When life is easy, I'm not really sure if it's worth living. If we have something we struggle with, something that tears us apart at times, I think that is when we can fully access our humanity. Sometimes we reach out, sometimes others recognize our struggles and reach out to us. Sometimes we are lucky enough to experience the grace of another person sharing their humanity with us.