I had a weird dream last night. Let's see if I can remember it. It had to do with my mom and I only remembered it as I was typing the title to this blog entry. My plan for this entry today was to talk about how guilty I feel for not having anything to do tonight. I suppose there are things to do, but nothing that is very pressing.
My dream has to do with my mom...I think. At least that's the impression I felt when I typed the title and I'm pretty sure it does. I had some kind of dream about going somewhere or doing something. OH now I remember. I had taken my sister Audrey and her friend Katherine shopping in this very strange place with geysers and outdoor shops and we were trying to get tons of stuff done before my mom and dad came back from some vacation in this vehicle...not a car, but not a truck or RV. It was very strange. That's about all I remember. Very strange. Except whatever vehicle they had was red -a very deep red. Dreams are so very awesome. I have weird ones every once in a while. They tend to be vivid, they are always in color, and one of the things I remember most the next day is the color impressions in the dreams. Color is important to me.
Have you ever listened to a song or some kind of music and "saw" the music? I can -and I see it in the form of color ebbing and flowing. I also see letters and numbers represented as colors. I have no idea where or how this came to be -it's just how I've always been. Sometimes the colors switch depending on the mood I'm in or the context in which I'm thinking of or using the numbers or letters. I've honestly, all my life, thought everyone was this way and saw the same things. However, I've learned that this is not so. That's pretty cool. :-) It does make sense because I am highly visual. I am not a very good auditory learner -though music is different. I can hear a song and recognize it immediately the next time I hear it. However, you can tell me directions -very simple directions- to somewhere and you will lose me at the second turn. Always. I will smile, nod, repeat things like I'm following along, but I have absolutely no clue what you're saying and I'll just ask for the address at the end so I can plug it into my Google Maps and SEE the directions on a map. OR, if there is no address, I'll make sure I listen to how you're describing how things look like and I'll form a picture in my head and then make sure that as I drive, I'm looking for that. That's why I always ask what color people's house is and sometimes the colors around the house. I'll drive and even allow myself to get lost because every road leads back to some road that leads back to the road you were just on -and sooner or later I'll find what I'm looking for.
But today we're talking about guilt. I had CPI training today. That is Crisis Prevention Intervention which is a technique for de-escalating situations that can get out of hand with students and how to deal with students that become physically aggressive. I trained about 30 people today. I really like training-it's very fun and teaching the nonviolent physical crisis intervention techniques, the personal safety techniques and the physical control/hold techniques (formerly termed "restraint") is super fun for me. I LOVE it when participants actually listen to me when I say, grab my arm and do.not.let.go. -cuz I can get out of it. I like that because I can honestly demonstrate to the participants that these techniques CAN work if you do them right and with enough umpff. So I was busy with that all day, and fielding emails all day as well during breaks.
But tonight, I have nothing to do. I feel really guilty about that. I'm bored and I feel a little lonely as well, but mostly, what I am feeling is guilt. For a week straight I've had tons of work to do in the evening and on the weekends that I couldn't get finished AT work. Tonight and Tuesday night I had nothing to do. Tuesday I did laundry, dishes, and a bunch of other stuff to tidy up the house. Tonight I have absolutely no idea what to do. I could do SOOOO many things too. Too many choices, too many options. -but too much by myself I think. I do have a book from the library that I have to read before it needs to be back on the 10th and I could definitely write...and I suppose I COULD vacuum, dust, sort my CD's, exercise (God forbid), and call up some people I haven't talked to in a long time. But I'm stuck because I know that I COULD and then I know that I'm doing stuff that some people that HAVE tons of work to do can't do and THAT is what makes me feel guilty.
If there's one thing my mom taught me, it was guilt. And not necessarily in a bad way either. Guilt can be a good behavior moderator. It builds conscience and it provides scaffolding for motivation. Of course, there is a dark side of guilt that comes with that too that has to do with a feeling of being unworthy, not good enough, and "bad" -sprinkled with a HUGE dose of shame as well. But used in a healthy way, guilt can help a person make right choices -either right away, or after the fact when there is an opportunity to repair a fissure in a relationship. Guilt can be a mega-motivator!
One of my mom's favorite sayings was "See, Jesus punishes!" whenever one of us kids would get hurt or something after doing something stupid we KNEW was stupid or against the rules. Overt defiance was usually met with some kind of "payback" demise which was then ruled as "Jesus punishing". Today I find it humorous. When I was a kid, I am not sure what I thought of it -I think mostly I found it incredibly hard to believe that this guy who was supposed to be all nice and sweet and forgiving and loving would be so mean and judgemental for one eensy teensy little mistake. It had more to do with me being a stupid jackass than some otherworldly being punishing me. I was more or less punishing myself. -and I think that was punishment enough!
So tonight I still feel guilty. It immobilizes me and I can't quite figure out what to do with this free time. Maybe that's what it is too. When you are so insanely busy and running on adrenaline all the time putting out fires left and right and then cleaning up all the messes later, it is extremely difficult to stop and just "be". I think I know how to just "be"...but I haven't mastered the skill to just "be" and not feel guilty about it. Unapologetic, with no shame and no reproach. No worrying that I should be doing something else or what I will have to do tomorrow.
Maybe that never stops. Maybe that's what being an adult is all about -maybe that's what holding down a professional job, climbing the career ladder, and managing all the balls in the air for that is all about. I have a strong suspicion though that it's not -not "all". I do believe, however, that there's a time and a place to just "be" with no forces pulling at you. Just as there's a time and a place to just "be" AND have that stuff still in the back of your mind. That's life. You can't control everything...you can only control your reactions. I can't drop balls just to give myself a break. That's ridiculous. BUT, I can give myself a break after I deal with all the balls and they are either suspended in the air by themselves or are on the ground. That's when I can just "be". -and not feel guilty about it.
Still...having nothing to do is wonderful, but having something to do is wonderful in its own right as well. Having nothing to do when I know that there are others in my life who have far too much to do for one person still makes me feel guilty. I don't know how to change that. It's not Jesus punishing me or them...it just "is". It's life and life sucks sometimes. It's not fair and it certainly isn't right sometimes, because my mom would also say in this situation "who told you life was fair?". I should consider myself lucky that I have the opportunity to just "be" with no real obligations tonight.
Guilt. I learned about it from my mom, with help from church and parochial school of course. But what I really learned was that I can make it work for me and let it keep me grounded, or I can let it bind me and snuff out the light in me. So tonight I'm going to try to "be" without feeling guilty about doing nothing, even though life isn't fair and I can't control or change anything other than myself.
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