I did something outrageous (to me) today. I wore yoga pants out in public. Yep. In all my glorious fatness, I walked out of my apartment and into the world wearing form fitting yoga pants and a larger tshirt with a jean jacket. I was just going to go with the tshirt, but c'mon...no one wants to see that, so I took mercy upon the world and wore the jacket. Ok, really- I needed something with pockets for my keys & phone so the jacket was an afterthought.
That brings up a big discussion and reflection on body image. I do not like the way I look. I have never really but for a few times when I was thinner, and even then I had some issues. And it's not just with weight either. I've never thought I was pretty or even beautiful. I know this is probably not true, we all have our unique beauty and pretty is subjective (as is beauty I suppose), but since I was young, I never felt that way about myself. I felt I was just plain, ugly, and homely looking.
When I was in the primary grades - I can't remember if it was kindergarten, 1st, 2nd grade or what but the older kids on my bus used to call me "gopher". What the heck! At that time, I didn't have a fully developed self-concept and in all honesty, I DID have a somewhat overbite - I still do. My dad used to always tell me I had a big nose - he used to call it my "snozz". He did not mean to be mean - he just didn't have a lot of "nice" skills I think, nor did he know what to do with a girl. I think he was relieved when the next 3 kids came out as boys. No matter though, my point is, those things as a youngster shape a person and either become barriers to stay behind or overcome or they become "in spite of" things. I had to overcome that barrier, as I had may other barriers from childhood we have no time to get into in this post.
I have a difficult time when people use their childhood or events that happened to them in the past to excuse their behavior or to excuse their stagnation as a human being. Screw that. Once you hit your 20's, your life is up to you and if you had some tough stuff go on when you were young, you just have a little more work to do than some people -that's life. But let me tell you, most people in this world have tough stuff to overcome. If it's not from their childhood, it's from something else. The great thing about being alive and being a human being with a conscious brain and the ability to think as humans do, is that we can overcome most anything. But it takes work and sometimes it takes help from others either professionally or just through human interactions.
I spent much of my childhood, most ALL of my adolescence, and a large part of my 20's and early 30's just sitting back & observing others. It's made me incredibly skilled at finding out quite a lot about people just by watching them and interacting with them -as well as knowing what they are thinking simply by their behavior. That's a plus. The downside is that it kept me on the sidelines for a very, very long time. I don't think I really participated in life until my 30's. And even then I was too cautious. As I'm entering my 40's (yeah, I'm 41...most folks think I'm only 35 or younger), I know so much more about myself and about life in general that I'm really not afraid of anything. Except for woodticks, extreme heights, and creepy movies that mess with my head. Duh.
But - I've made it work for me. I'm successful. And have a life rich in family and friends plus I have a job I very much enjoy. That's more than a lot of people can say. I'm relatively happy, too. That's A LOT more than a lot of people can say.
I guess my entire point here is that when a person looks at themselves- that self image they have, they go through so many feelings and usually have to navigate through old issues they need to put to rest. My venturing out in public in clothes that accentuated my weight gain was a brave step for me. Some of you reading might scoff at that, but you don't know me. You don't know where I've been, what I've done, what's been done to me, and what I've been conditioned to think. That's ok - I don't expect you to because I probably with most certainty don't know that about your formative details either (but if I observe you & interact with you enough, I'll have a pretty darned good guess!).
But for me, today was a day of empowerment. I am who I am and this body is not all that I am - but it's the package that I come in. For now. That package is changing...and it will be better as I go through further renovations. :)
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