When it is a Sunday afternoon still and I start to feel anxiety and dread...I know it is about time for a vacation. And by vacation, I don't mean running away to somewhere warm or even taking a trip anywhere....I just mean taking days off from work to do nothing, something, etc. -anything but work.
I would like to find some time to take a day or two off in the next coming weeks. Yes, there is Thanksgiving, but that has already been accounted for in my brain and besides, let's face it, those days are filled with activity anyway. I want a day of no plans. No housework, nothing. Actually, I should take a vacation day during a week soon and get my stained glass project worked on. 10am-5pm would be plenty of time for me to get it completed. I'd like to get it done before Thanksgiving...how to do that, though, is the question.
I know exactly what is bothering me and making me want to take time off away from work. One of my buildings is bothering me because there aren't as many special ed needs to address there as there are other issues that want to pull me in. That adds onto my already large workload and my purpose is not only blurred, but my true purpose is then diluted as a by-product. If that doesn't make sense to you, that's ok. I wish it didn't make sense to me. :)
So I find myself in a quandary. It's a fine line to walk and yet each day I see more and more how I need to make that line clear but walk it assertively and with clarity of purpose. I figured some of it out last weekend, and by being more cognizant of things this last week, I have come to a definitive conclusion: While I need to be cooperative and provide leadership, I need to remember my place and what that place does not prefer that I do...how responsibilities that were never meant to be part of my own set to begin with need to remain not mine. I need to deflect. But deflect with tact. That's the challenge for me I think. In a way it pisses me off. For all intents and purposes, I am a new leader and shouldn't have to be putting parameters around a leader with more experience. HOWEVER, I see how I need to do so because it's that experience that has been honed to utilize any perceived resources available. I am a perceived resource. However, it's very much like putting limits on enabling loved ones or not getting sucked into family/friend drama. I need to set my line, be true to it, and advocate for myself with assertion and professionalism.
Yeah, I know this was a cryptic entry. Sorry about that. It brings up a good point though. Have you ever been involved in a project or activity with others and knew deep down that you were being asked to play a role (and had agreed to play that role) that you were not sure was actually YOURS, but the person who coerced you into that? And then, you found that perhaps you were "in too deep" and just had to follow through, with the promise that there would be no more...you were "getting out"? HA! Wow, that sounds like I am involved in something illegal!! LOL Nothing that glamorous, folks! Sorry.
At any rate, it's exhausting mentally and even somewhat emotionally to be constantly on your guard. It's a game of sorts. I had thought at first that this person could play the game and would play nice in the sandbox. Now I see that they only really play if it's with their own idea. There is no playing nice in the sandbox. There's no overt fighting either...but it's not really a complementary relationship...it's more of a "hey, I'll play nice...as long as you do my bidding or have something I want to play with too". or, "you can build sand castles? Great! I'll play with you, so you should come over every day and make these here sand castles while I do this other stuff over here -but to everyone else, it does look like I'm making them too...and if they don't stay made, it certainly isn't MY fault, I never made them."
Not sure if I got my point across. BUT, the past month I've been dreading work. Then I started to realize it was just on certain days. And now I realize what exactly it is that I dread, what makes me feel anxious -and almost panic-attacky (which is new for me -or at least I haven't felt that way in YEARSSS!!), and what I need to do about it. I love my job...I really, really do. In some ways, I have my dream job (so far anyway, until a new dream develops in my brain). So...I just won't let this building suck the life out of me or take my dream job away from me. I have to put up my own perameters, stick to what I'm actually there for, say no with more clarity as to why it's a "no", and focus on the reason I'm there...which is the basis of that "dream job".
I'm grateful for having the weekends to myself to get done the things I need to, to have balance, to put work away for a couple days. The next step is doing this for at least a couple nights during the work week. The stained glass is a very good outlet and healthy activity (even though I tend to cut the crap out of my fingers on the glass, for crying out loud!!!!haha) and it's not something I HAVE to do or be bound to.
My theme for November is "Build a Bridge & Get Over It". So I guess if I say I need a vacation, I should have that same theme -quit complaining about it and freakin do it already then. :) Here I go, off to check my schedule to find which day would be the best to use some of my vacation time! Thanks for tuning in blog reader!! I appreciate it! :)
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