I'm depressed. Just in a funk. But ONLY sometimes and ONLY when I think about what I don't have, what I haven't done, what I wish I would have done, and how boring and in a way out of control my life is.
BUT.....I am detoxing. I am changing. I am improving.
I have AWESOME friends who have been there for me in all of me "woe is me!!!" moments. I've learned to reach out. I've learned to stop pretending everything is fine and not asking for what I want and need. If I get it, great! If I don't, then it might tell me one of two things: I am being a pest and need to pull my head out of my ass, or the people I reach out to don't deserve my time because I'm done giving giving giving without getting. I very highly suspect that the second holds the key to the first. I think that I have a defunct thought pattern that tells me subconsciously that if was just nicer, more giving and more sacrificing then people would want to like me/make me happy. So then I obsess and that turns pesty instead of getting to the root of my problem whatever that is. And I go back to the "if I were just more ____ for them then I would be worthy of their time" thought pattern.
I realized today that I have a problem with altruism. It makes me feel selfish to say, but I need to watch that and NOT be so giving and so sacrificing. It's bullshit. I've been looking into minimalism and reducing the amount of "stuff" in one's life --the consumerism, the hoarding, the hanging onto things that serve me no real or profound purpose. I have not had a severe drive to get stuff and be "somebody", really. When I was younger, my biggest issue was being accepted, liked, not pushed aside, and not lonely. I grew up a very lonely awkward little girl into a lonely awkward adolescent who hid behind other people I chose to be around because they were safe and I was the "helper" in the friendship. It made me feel important. I never saw materialistic things as the way to achieve being awesome. I think I thought that if I was good enough, nice enough, sacrificing enough, giving enough, and for lack of a different word, "holy" enough, then my life would be rewarded and I would want for naught. I thought I had to do all that to BE important. As an adult, it was just the way things worked for me. Or so I thought.
That is a lie. There is no magic nor is there a guarantee that anything YOU do will be met with a reciprocated reward. I bought into that lie for so many years and could never figure out what was wrong with me. I felt (and still feel in many moments) that I did this all to myself. Well, now that I'm nearly 42 years old, I am beginning to believe that all I have done is live the only way I knew how. I did not "do this to myself"-I am not "getting what I deserve"-I have not "ruined my life". On the contrary, life is is just beginning (and it's been pretty darned good so far to be honest), I control what happens to me, and deserving isn't part of the equation unless it IS the equation. Everyone deserves to deserve. There's no this + this = deserving. It is deserving = deserving. It just IS. My capacity for compassion needs to be turned inward.
I'm looking at changing the way I think about things. We all know that major weight loss is more of a mind game to overcome than a body chemistry thing. Part of the reason for losing weight (of course) is to feel better about myself. Who hasn't thought, "if I just lose [any number] pounds, I will be successful, lovable, worthy, etc"? That there, my friends, is a serious mind-fuck. A killing spree in your brain that kills life and a will to live. I went to mass with my family last weekend for Christmas. I realized a few things. I do not believe in Catholic dogma (this was not new, however) and I HAVE been doing everything "right". I AM compassionate, I AM (mostly) obedient, I AM kind, I DO hold to a strict sense of morals & ethics, etc etc etc. My young mind told me years ago that THAT was the key to happiness and that I would be rewarded with a good life if I held to those traits and behaviors-those "teachings". When that never happened I felt it surely had to be MY FAULT. I must have done something wrong and I'm not even good enough for ANY kind of God to give me my "rewards" and "blessings" apparently because I suck at doing what I am "supposed to" do. FALSE thought pattern, right there folks.
Time to fix that. So instead of killing myself slowly with my bad health habits and my isolation, I've got some neat things to do with my life. About 10 years ago I was in this same space. Good things happened because I got fed up and made them happen. Now I have more understanding and more insight on things. I have rejected the silly notions that I have done something wrong. I've lived the best way I knew how to. And I've helped A LOT of people on the way. That is still really important to me and it will continue to be a cornerstone in my life.
I will continue to be compassionate, (mostly) obedient, kind, and not go against my values but this time, I will take time and let my guard down. I'll choose people who make me a better person - not be the one making others better all the time. That makes for exhausting relationships that steal the joy and life right out of me. In fact, I know my bad habits with food were the "filler". Obviously, that didn't work at all!
I'm lucky to have had this experience and lucky to be able to be in a position to change and make myself better and evolve as a person. I don't deserve anything but EVERYTHING - it's not a contingency. And I WISH people will stop with that kind of preaching and idiotic chastising.
It hurts people deeply and makes them hide.
Deserving = Deserving. Anything else is a soul-sucking suicide.
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