Funny Bone Exhausted...NOT!

This has been a fantastic weekend. I got a lot accomplished and it's not even 7pm Sunday yet! I didn't make it out to Andy and Amy's but I did most everything else I had planned. I got some work done, I cooked, I cleaned, and I relaxed. It was awesome.

Today Comedy Central's been running standup comics all day and that's been on while I've been doing this and that. Holy cow are these people funny! I laughed more today I think than I have in a long time. It's been great!!! And there's more -SNL special tonight that should have a few funny moments in it. Wooo Hooo!

Tomorrow means back to work for me. No problem...I'm kinda sick of staying at home. Sometimes when I have weekends where I don't do anything or don't see anything I get kinda blue and crabby. This time I didn't. Must have been the funny stuff I watched today, or maybe it's the activity I did today -the cooking, the food prep for the week's lunches, the cleaning, the sorting out of junk.

Tomorrow is February 1st and a day of reckoning for me in regards to getting some exercise -some regular, planned, and deliberate exercise. Time to get back on the horse. I've got the food thing back on track again and now it's time for the working out thing. yeee hawwww!

What a Week!

Good morning! I haven't posted in a week. I guess you could say I've been rather busy. The weekend brought a snowstorm, first we got ice, freezing rain and sleet on Saturday and Sunday it turned into snow. It still snowed a lot more on Monday. All in all I think we got about 5-7 inches of new snow, depending on where it was measured. It sure was messy though!! I'm incredibly thankful for my tires, though, because I don't think that I would have been able to get around without them. Literally, I don't. So hooray for that!!!

I've been all over the cooperative this week doing various things: presenting to teachers about pre-referral interventions, child study meetings, IEP meetings, and paraprofessional analysis investigations. I also did a shift at the homeless shelter as well. Then on Wednesday evening, I was sooo tired and felt like just going to bed. But right when I was going to watch the State of the Union address, I started throwing up. Holy cow. I threw up all night! So Thursday I stayed home from work and slept most of the day. I stayed home Friday as well and felt much better. Now I'm up at 4am because I must have slept way too much over the past two days and am "done" sleeping.

Friday I ventured out and picked up some groceries and got some movies. I watched 4 out of 5 of them. So today I don't have much on my agenda. I think I'm going to make a roast beef with potatoes and carrots. Hopefully I can get up to Andy & Amy's and deliver some christmas presents and still stay rested so I can get back to work with both guns blazing on Monday. That flu really knocks the energy out of a person.

What is Success??

I watched the last Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien today. He's not my favorite late night host -I'd rather watch Craig Ferguson and even Jay Leno, to be honest. I think that Conan's funny...sort of, but he kinda creeps me out for some reason and I'm not sure why. HOWEVER, when he's got Andy Richter on there, that creepiness kinda evens out a bit. I like Andy and actually USED to watch Late Night with Conan O'Brien when Andy was on there. When he left, it got very stupid, tedious, and creepy so I quit watching unless it was on and I had nothing better to do or someone I was interested in was a guest.

But last night, towards the end, Conan said something that boosted my respect of him a little bit more. I wish him well in whatever endeavor he finds next, but I'm pretty sure I won't be watching it unless it's amazing (and Andy is with him!). He said, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."

I agree. I know this is true. Completely. I would never be where I am nor on the path that I am if I did not believe this and know this is true. There are no handouts. There is no room for cynicism. Everything you need is all in your own power. In the end, it might not work out exactly as you had envisioned in the beginning, but if you have been working hard, have been kind to others (and hey, face it, that means being kind to yourself...FIRST, in a healthy way), and are genuine in both your work and your kindness, things literally fall into place and what you've got is amazing -maybe even better than you had originally thought you wanted. Even if what you've got is a nice, stable, small, quiet little family -isn't that as amazing as earning a bazillion dollars a year with 5 houses scattered among the globe and a private island? Happiness is perspective and I really think that success is as well.

Success is the result of working hard and being kind to your fellow human beings -and your world. And also, I think that success is FEELING that sense of accomplishment, that sense of how far you've come. It's intensely personal. So maybe one could say that "success" is both a transient feeling and more of a personal perspective than a tangible "thing". There are some people who would say that I am successful in some areas of my life that I don't agree with -that's because I know what more I want to do, but to the outside world, I'm "successful". There are others who look at my life and say I'm not successful because I don't make a lot of money -their definition of success is earning lots of money. Here's my take on that: I COULD make 30% more money somewhere else, so to me, the mere potential I have for earning that is success enough. I don't need to earn that to feel good to feel like I've "made it". I make enough to support myself and not get myself into situations where I need to rely on other people to bail me out or worry how I'm going to get to the next payday. That is success to me. And, people respect my knowledge about several topics. That's success to me as well. And, I've got great friends who would do almost anything for me if I needed something. That's success to me too. All of that reflects my hard work, my kindness, and my persistence.

So now I feel bad because I totally talked about myself this entire post, but that's how it goes on blogs. I'd rather talk about myself than talk about other people because I like to respect people's privacy. Unless I get mad. Then all bets are off. HAHA!

Today I've got a roaring fire going and I'm catching up on my DVR programs from the week. I'll be making chili this weekend as well along with pretty much doing nothing. Oh yeah, I'll indulge in my dirty little secret (see previous post) as well on Sunday and I will probably get some housework done as well because I have company coming next weekend.

Thanks for checking in and reading! Be nice to people and work hard...you never can tell when it pays off. But remember to work equally hard at being good to yourself and taking care of yourself; that pays off too.

confession

Ok my faithful blog reader, I have a secret. Two actually. I need to confess. Ok, here it goes. I've been watching football. Vikings games, actually. That's secret number one. Secret number two is this: I am really, really looking forward to watching the game this Sunday.

AM I SICK OR WHAT? I know! I HATE professional football! What the heck is wrong with me??

So, you two or three people who actually know me who actually read this, you know my secret. And you people who just happen to come upon this site by accident or whatever, you know it now too. Whoopee!!

Here's my predictions for Sunday: Saints will win. However, the Vikings will be ahead going into halftime. But, like the Twins, the Vikes will choke when push comes to shove.

UNLESS they can keep their heads out of their ass and play hard. So yeah. Play hard or go home. That's the ticket.

Ok. That's it. I've been watching football. A lot. I still have absolutely NO idea what anything means and I don't get what the extra point kick is for or what the hell a conversion is or what all the calls are and stuff. AND, I still think that they are a bunch of cheaters with far too much communication capabilities and control over how the players play the game on the field. I suppose that's not much different from all the signs in baseball. Oh well.

But yeah. I will never tell anyone and I'm pretty confident that only like 4 people in my life read this thing -and those that do, don't care about football anyway, so my secret's pretty darned safe. :-)

WINTER!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............ thank you winter weather! So if you've been reading my posts, faithful blog reader, you know that I was planning on going to a workshop in St. Paul this Friday. That's been cancelled because of the weather! Yay! Now tonight I'm not doing ANYTHING but watching tv, burning wood in my fireplace, and drinking amarettos and whiskey waters on the rocks. Plus taking Facebook quizzes, browsing my friends' profiles (i.e. catching up on their lives!) and doing a little bit of cleaning, sorting, or just plain "puttering around" my house. AWESOME. Then, tomorrow, since I was scheduled to be gone, I have nothing on my schedule, so for all intents and purposes, I am out of the office and I can actually GET STUFF DONE in the office without being bothered!! OMG...I think that's probably too good to be true, though. I can get a BUNCH of stuff done and won't have to take ANY work home!

AND THEN! It's gonna be very crappy weather all weekend! I can't wait. I can have my fireplace going and watch movies, and just be a BUM all damned weekend!!! I freakin LOVE it. *sigh* how wonderful!

Anyway, now for some substance. Nah, just kidding. I've been in "work" mode rather than "reflection" mode lately. Much to do. Much to accomplish. Much to make happen right now. Later I'll decompress. :-) But, I will say, I had another conversation with my director today and wow, he and the superintendents are incredibly serious about keeping me around. However, that's all talk. I'll believe it when I see the contract come across my desk and the numbers inside it. Wish me luck. As a friend of mine in the banking/mortgage regulations industry told me the other day, I should be making more money that HE does because of all the education I have. Unfortunately...that's not how the education "industry" works. :-(

Winter Winter Winter???

There's a ton of talk about there being a winter storm this weekend again. Hot Damn!!! I LOVE snowstorms! :-) I've got my snow tires and plenty of junk in my trunk (in the form of 300lbs of sandbags), so I'm good to go!!! I do have to find gloves though...I need mittens or something. I should really work on that. :-)

I like Tuesdays. I have absolutely NO idea why. I think that if I were ever to get married, I'd get married on a Tuesday. If I ever got to choose when I would give birth to a kid (cuz let's face it people, if I ever give birth, I'm going the C-section way...ain't no way I'm passing through a watermelon!!), I would choose a Tuesday. Tuesdays are usually the best days of the week for me. Thursdays are actually a close second. There is nothing really special about them at all. It's just how I think. By the way, Tuesdays are yellow -a sunshine, bright, sparkly, SHINING yellow -hardly a color at all, but bright light with a yellow hue. Thursdays are a rust-ish orange-ish brown-ish color. Yep, I know, I'm weird.

So today I had my board meeting. It went very well and I really think that I have gained a whole lot of credibility with my board. Each and everyone of them have been positively affected (in a fiscally way, actually) by a change or influence I've done this year already. When you are dealing with superintendents, that is a very good thing. I was informed that I'm being offered a contract for 2010-2011. Hooray! But now comes the tricky part: negotiating them up to my price. So essentially, all the money I've saved them already to this date, I'll ask for in a raise. HAHA!! Let the dance begin.

I have a project I'm working on at work. I'm trying to streamline some of the office work we do. I have two secretaries and while I do need both of them for various reasons, their work could be streamlined and the data they collect could be managed much more efficiently. That being said, I'm in the process of exploring HOW I'm going to do that. I know what I want in my head...or at least, I know the process I want to have in place and I know what I want for my end product...I just have to find a way to get there. Not only that, I have to find a way to make my board want this to and find value in it. So I've got a friend who's a freakin whiz at this kind of stuff helping me out, giving me some direction, and possibly doing some actual consulting for me to create this vehicle. AND, I've got a board who wants to move the cooperative into a different sort of entity in a couple years which means whatever I create and implement now must be both adaptable and salient enough to weather that kind of transition. AND, most importantly, I have to get all of these things together in a room and get them to want to hook up with each other. Again...another dance.

At the end of the week I'm in St. Paul for a New Leader's training at the Minnesota Administrators of Special Education (MASE) headquarters. I "get" to stay at the Radisson again. I HATE Radissons. I used to like them or think they are ok. But I've really learned to hate them. I think they are just a bunch of fluff and fanfare and absolutely no substance. I hate them. But I love my MASE workshops, so it will be worth it. We're going through budgeting stuff and that will be very good. So I'm hoping that this fantastic "Winter Storm" we're going to have will wait until Saturday or LATE Friday to hit anywhere because I'll be done around 4pm Friday.

Anyway, I'm told we're getting 1.5 mn more of sunlight per day. That's great! Groundhog day is coming up, folks! I hope it's a good one. :-0

Well, I haven't done my work yet today. BUT, I put away all of my Christmas stuff finally! I did forget about the tires in my car though...so they will have to stay in there until tomorrow! Oops. However, I DID get a handful of things done late last night, so it's not that bad. I have not made my evaluation procedure checklists yet. I've been putting this off since probably October. I can't stand this. I think it's SO incredibly unnecessary because there are at least 3 different tools for this already available to teachers and for God's sake...make your own that makes sense for you. So, I'll get to that later. It's the thing on my list that I keep moving down as other things come up. I believe in prioritizing rather than keeping things in their original spots on a list as other things come up.

But I am very glad that I got my Christmas stuff done and put away. It's about time!! I need to clean in here and I want to do a little bit of re-arranging too.

I've been watching Seinfeld reruns while I've been puttering around the place today. This show amuses me to no end. I'd like to invest in the DVD series. The same with Friends and a couple other shows I really like laughing along with.

January is halfway over. I'm very much anticipating spring -warmer weather, longer sunlight, green coming back. Mostly sunlight though. When it stays lighter longer, I feel like I have more time -like I have more hours in the day to accomplish things and I just feel like being more productive.

You know? I need to get my eyes checked. I realized it's been over a year and I should really get contacts again. Glasses are driving me nuts lately. As a matter of fact, last year was the first time ever I did not get both glasses AND contacts and this entire year was the only year in probably 5 years that I started to dig out my contacts and realized I did not have any. Actually, what I should do is look into lasik surgery. We'll see how my negotiations go. If I get a substantial increase, maybe that's something I'll look at doing next year because I can flex it and that will bring down my taxable income a bit.

Anyway, half of me feels bad for not getting my list of work done this weekend and the other half (the more reasonable half, actually) doesn't really care. I had fun with friends, laughed quite a lot and got some things accomplished around the house. To me, that's a good weekend! Maybe 25% of it was work. That's ok with me too.

Well, it's been a busy few days again! On Friday it felt like it had been two weeks since the last Friday. -and things don't look to be getting lighter in workload either. Much of the problem is that I keep adding more work for myself. I see so much that can be improved at work and I get myself involved in things that take lots of time outside of work hours to do. It's almost like September again!!

On Tuesday I open up my negotiations for my next contract here. I'm unfortunately not very optimistic about the outcome mostly due to the state's climate on funding right now, but am optimistic about the long range planning that will happen with my position. It's very sad because I've actually got more qualifications than half of my board and most of my district principals, but I am paid 20-35% less than them all. Also, if it weren't for me, this year alone 4 districts would have gotten into some serious compliance (meaning: ILLEGAL) issues because they don't know enough about special ed law, rules, and regulations to know better. That's what my job is. So, they pay me pennies and I save their ass. I am also doing a lot of supervising of their teachers by ensuring they are following due process guidelines, which is a major part of their job descriptions, but 85% of the principals have absolutely NO clue what that means...so here I am again to save ass which allows them to keep THEIR high paying jobs. I knew it would be like this going into this position this year, but my learning curve has been incredibly high this fall and I have grown by leaps and bounds and I do believe that I've proven my worth to this place more than is humanly possible. In fact, when people ask if I'm returning next year and I say I don't know, they have started telling me how they hope I stay because they feel I'm doing very good things here and starting to make changes that have been needed for a long time (which I agree).

That's very nice to hear. It's great for the ego and it's also very good for my gauge of effectiveness. However...it's also bittersweet. Words are nice. But actions are what mean the most to me. In fact, I find that I don't listen well sometimes because I don't want to hear it. I want to SEE it. Don't tell me what you're GOING to do or what you know you HAVE to do or what you'd LIKE to do but just can't seem to do it for whatever reason. DO IT. Show me with an adequate contract that I'm so awesome (apparently). And that's all I'll say about that.

So today I got my tires installed. Wooo Hooo. $1000.00 down the drain. Well, not really because I still believe it's a great investment for my car -and my safety in my car. I went to Brainerd this afternoon to have lunch with a friend of mine and then we decided to go up to Walker to the casino. I hate casinos and I don't often go at all. In fact, I hate gambling. Usually. Today was not much different because I was losing VERY bad. Every single slot machine. Then I played the Wizard of Oz, which usually kicks my ass, but I LOVE the bonus rounds and REALLY love when Glenda the Good Witch of the North comes to spin the wheels and win me money. Well, I was about $80 down when Glenda came and gave me 4 reels of wilds and won me $130!! I played $10 bucks of that down and promptly cashed out. Then I put a $20 in the machine next to me (wizard of oz as well) and FINALLY won the bonus round where the flying monkeys won me $10 more so I cashed out of that one. All in all I was $50 ahead when I left. So for once a casino was good to me. Did I tell you though, that I hate casinos? I do. It will be a very long time until I go back to one willingly. Before I went to lunch though, I did some shopping and found some incredible deals at Herbergers. I got 4 sweaters and a hoodie for under $80. One of the sweaters was regularly more than that. They've got a great 70% off clearance sale going on now and wow are there a lot of great clothes on sale!!

I have to get some work done tomorrow and I can't stay at home to do it. In fact, I need to go somewhere downtown and do my work -preferably somewhere without internet access so I can't goof around with other stuff when I should be working. I wish I had more time during the week to finish my stuff. I suppose I would if I didn't spend time in districts and making sure I was available to teachers. But...I think it's more important to be present and visible than locked in my office and doing my "projects" and paperwork. I've got the time and the ambition now.

I'm thinking I should be getting to bed. I'm getting chilly -and I think that when I'm tired I get colder, so that's a good clue to go to bed. It was SOOO warm today! It felt a little like late March today. That was super sweet. Tomorrow I hope it's warm again because I'd like to clear off my sidewalk better, as well as parts of my deck. People walked on the deck and part of the sidewalk before it was shoveled, so a bunch of snow has been packed and stuck there for a long time. I don't like that because I like to be able to have it all completely cleared.

Anyway, that's about it. I think I started writing this blog early-ish like 11 or so, but now it's closing onto midnight. I've been half watching SNL (which pretty much sucks tonight...even Laser Cats was stupid) and half typing this.

Thanks for tuning in. :-)

What Are My Favorite Things??

You know, I think I've said it before, but 2010 feels good to me. It feels nice and hopeful and just plain nice. I am going to list some of my favorite things for you tonight. Things I've forgotten about this fall during "crazy time". I'm "better" now -and that's a whole different post that I'll probably never bore you poor blog reader with.

But here you go.

I love Craig Ferguson. I started recording him again and watching his show after school/in the evenings when I have time. Some days I don't have time so I have to do a Craig Marathon, but that's ok. He makes me laugh. A lot. I like it things and people that make me laugh. I want more of that in my life. I had stopped watching him last fall. 2010 has me watching him and enjoying laughter again.

I love the Daily Show with John Stewart. I'd like that to be my primary news source...HA!! No seriously, I like his point of view, the sarcasm, and the common sense of that show -and it's a little goofy too. :-) I used to watch that religiously in college and early on in my teaching career but got away from it and started up again this summer. Then lost my way again. However, I decided that show is something I needed to watch. Compared to the rest of the stuff on TV today, this show is not that bad.

I also like watching American Idol. I love music and I like talent scouting. If I could have a "dream" job, it would be to be a talent scout. I'd never do that now. Not ever. But in a parallel universe, that's what I would do.

I've already started recording Seinfeld even in the fall, but haven't started really watching them until lately.

There's also the Colbert Report...which is ok. Some things are FUNNY. Some are so-so. Not my absolute favorite, but still good.

Let's see....what else is my favorite thing? I went shopping tonight after work. That is one of my favorite things. I bought some stuff at Benders Shoes downtown. Nice place -spendy, but they have VERY good sales. I will spend more money in that place because they carry very good quality shoes and they have an entire section of clothes. Tomorrow I'm hitting a couple other stores downtown after work (IF I can get out of my office at a reasonable hour). I really just like browsing and not buying anything most of the time. That's really relaxing to me.

I also really enjoy www.theonion.com. Fantastic satirical news-"fake" news. Makes me laugh EVERY TIME. Again, something that makes me laugh. I like that.

You know what I thought of today? It's kind of warmish (like 20degrees if you can call THAT warm! OMG) and I started thinking, geez, I'd better get on it and learn how to ski soon. Then I realized...I have no ski stuff. I'd be incredibly mis-dressed. I need to at least get a columbia or northface jacket or something for "everyday" wear -and THAT I could use for skiing. Plus...I need some mittens/gloves. I have a hat, I think. But I've got stretchy mittens that are definitely NOT warm enough! ;-) So yeah...before I get off my ass and start to learn how to ski appropriately, I'd better make sure I have some outside winter clothes for that! I should probably get some snowpants too. Still, that would still be a good investment. Maybe a trip to L&M Fleet is in order one of these days.

On Saturday I get my snow tires put on my car. How awesome is THAT going to be!?! I'll tell you: SO freaken awesome. That's how awesome. :-)

So I'm watching American Idol auditions tonight. One from last night and now the one that's on tonight. I am SO SICK of seeing these people who are like "I don't care what you say, I KNOW I'm a good singer". They are NOT. They have a strange sense of entitlement and a stranger sense of inflated self worth or disillusionment or something. Ye-gads. Yikes and double yikes. That makes me more mad than it entertains me. However, there ARE some very, very good ones. Wow. So that's why I watch this. I LOVE seeing new talent. I LOVE seeing new fresh faces and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE seeing new talent discovered. Love it love it love it. So, for showmanship, I understand the airing of the wacky and stupid auditions...but the heart of this show is the discovery of talent and the sharing of talent that the contestants are able to do. That's so great and it makes me smile. I like things that make me smile.

This has been the longest week ever. I have been SO incredibly busy with work and life stuff lately that I swear it should be the weekend already, but it's only Wednesday night. Oh well!! Tomorrow I've got back to back meetings all morning and have to catch up on some emails and return calls in the afternoon from being out of my office all day today while training a group of teachers and paras in CPI today (a non-violent crisis intervention program). Friday I'm booked with a meeting most of the day (I think). Next week I start it all over again with my monthly trip down to St. Paul for meetings at the end of the week. Oh joy! I get to stay at the Radisson again! I HATE that place, but whatever. One of these weekends I have to make it up to Andy and Amy's to deliver presents for them and the kids from Christmas yet.

So...nothing profound tonight. YET. When I can't sleep, I seem to think a lot-cuz last night I couldn't sleep. I drank a lot of coffee at Grace house last night. Oops!! :-) but, here's to getting to bed at a reasonable time tonight since I have an early morning.

Freezin Ass Cold...Again

Man...it's warmed up here in Northern Minnesota and I shouldn't be complaining...but I'm COLD again! It's probably because I've started eating right again. Whenever I eat well, I get COLD. What the heck is THAT about!!??!! Whatever! Anyway, I shudder and shiver constantly!

I was re-reading my earlier posts from this week. I find several holes in my thoughts. For example, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I often seem to take on a "live and let live" attitude or an attitude that some people find selfish because I tend to push self-focus primarily before focusing on others. BUT-I honestly believe that to be good to those around you and to live a life filled with purpose, contentment, and service to others, one MUST have a strong sense of self with an acceptance of oneself that allows for peace into one's soul. All of us have shit and garbage floating around in our heads, but cultivating the ability to wrangle that and rise above it is what allows us to not only grow, but to be better people. And when we are better people FIRST, we can be better people to others -in all of our relationships from work, to friendship, to dating/marriage, to children/parent.

Tonight was my shift at the homeless shelter in Grand Rapids. There were some new people there and some people from the last time I volunteered a few weeks ago. 75% of the people there right now are under the age of 22, 50% under the age of 20. These are only kids. I talked with most of them and one I knew already from other circumstances. All of these "kids" have been in the foster care system for much of their life. Some of them have been kicked out of their home repeatedly or have run away because home sucks so much repeatedly. How do these kids learn how to be a strong person? A strong adult who makes good choices? Yeah, they can say, "I'm never gonna be like my dad/mom/brother/aunt/sister/uncle/etc cuz I know how that feels"...but here's the problem. They do not know anything different. What role model do they have to KNOW they aren't being like what they say they aren't going to be like?? And who in the world do they have in their circle to give them realistic feedback??!??

I know people who have had shitty childhoods. I know people who have had some of the most traumatic childhoods imaginable coupled with continued dysfunction in their families through adulthood. I've learned a lot from these people. I've learned about resiliency and I've learned to appreciate the human spirit and will to live -the will to strive to be "more", the will to create a better life, and the will to treat their fellow human being with dignity and respect. It's not easy though. Once you're a "grown up", you've GOT to take responsibility for yourself and you've got to be the one to take charge and fix what's been broken in you. No one else can help you or do it for you because it's all on you. That's a mighty heavy-ass burden. Some people can't handle it. But some can. I think those who can -and who actually recognize their initiative and role in their own life- are more than survivors...they are shining stars, they are champions of their own personal hell, and they are actually, in a small, seemingly insignificant way, kindred spirits. To those folks, I say a GREAT big, "SLAINTE!" and toast a good pour of Guinness to them. :-)

The kids that I interacted with tonight at the homeless shelter have these kinds of difficulties and more as they mature and grow up. With no one to guide them -with absolutely no positive idols or role models- I really fear for their future and the future of their kids...because they will indubitably have children, maybe lots of them because that definitely seems to be the M.O. of the culture they are in. I don't know how to help them and I don't know what to do to encourage them to help themselves. That is a personal choice and it requires strength and courage. Lots of it. It requires hard choices and so many of us just don't have the fortitude for it nor the stamina. We blame our lack of such on our upbringing, on our parents, on our childhood, on our circumstances, on "the man", or ANYONE...but fail to see that the key lies solely within US. US. That's it. No one has the power to change or influence you more than YOU. You have the ultimate power for change. Always. You cannot change others. You cannot change the past, for God's sake. That's an argument you will never win and a path you will never be able to see clearly. Ever. You CAN create your future and you CAN influence your present. Even by a minuscule amount.

Do you know what the Butterfly Effect is? -besides that Ashton Kutcher movie? (haha) It means that a small, tiny, seemingly insignificant change or influence (a butterfly flapping it's wing) has the potential to change future events. Perhaps a butterfly flapping its wings in the right way in the right position of the earth at the right time will affect the weather (wind/atmospheric conditions) in such a way as to cause a tornado on the other side of the earth. Or one could think of Plinko. When you drop the plinko disk in a spot, you have little to no prediction really of where it will end up -there are several possibilities, several realities. The Butterfly Effect is part of Chaos Theory which has to do with the virtual unpredictability of outcomes due to slight variations in initial variables. That's how we change and influence our future, no matter how small. The 25 second delay I have one morning because I have to run back into the house to grab my cell phone might impact my future outcome that day by preventing my otherwise involvement in a car accident if I had been in that intersection 25 seconds earlier. We never know how our insignificant changes will affect our lives -but they are important. If we save one penny a day for a year (an insignificant thing to do each day), we'd have $365!!! That's a lot of money and would pay my stupid MN license tabs this year AND let me shop for something else I want for $25. If only I had been thinking ahead. Shit. :-)

But seriously, folks. I'm freezing cold tonight -but my brain's warmed up. I admire and appreciate it when people find their own zen and make their own "way" in life- the way that is positive and fruitful for them and their chosen relationships. That makes me happy. It makes me VERY happy because it gives me hope for the future of the world -or at least society. The more we are good to ourselves -the more we truly love ourselves, accept ourselves, and challenge ourselves, the more we can be good to others, love others, accept others and challenge others in a good way. And that just makes it better living for everyone.

And for all you religious nuts out there, isn't that what Jesus asks us to do anyway?? But really, religion has nothing to do with this. It is basic human needs stuff, people.

Thanks for listening and enduring another rant. I really, truly appreciate it! :-)

Chasing the Dragon...

I blogged earlier about my family's "Liger and snowman hunting" activity this weekend. We found this dragon sculpted out of snow, thanks to my little little sister who's friend lives where the dragon was created.





Cool, huh?

Intermission: On Growing Up

I'm in the middle of posting pictures from this weekend on Facebook and some on here. I've only recently been posting lots of pictures on Facebook- mainly because previously I never took many pictures and also because the process takes so much time. As it is, this morning I'm closing up on one hour uploading stuff and I'm not done yet.

So this weekend we had Christmas at my mom and dad's. Something that's been percolating in my head lately is something that was sparked actually by the Christmas DVD of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a show on FX that is insanely rude and many times crude, but incredibly funny. In it, the father figure played by Danny DeVito, "Frank" ruined Christmas again for Dee and Dennis by buying their dream gifts for himself and then gloating about it. Charlie and Mac took a trip down Christmas memory lane and found that the "specialness of Christmas" their parents provided them was actually insanely dysfunctional and awful but they never realized it until they were adults. The main theme of the show was that Christmas is all about the kids....so when you happen to grow up and are still part of a family (or make your own family through friends or whatever), the specialness and the feelings we have about it being a "good" Christmas or "bad" Christmas is entirely up to you -not other people like how it was when you were kids and the adults created the "world of Christmas" for you. Kind of substantial and thought provoking for a crazy show like this one, but nonetheless, it's true.

All of us kids are adults; Audrey is 17 and well on her way to being an adult and she's definitely not a kid anymore. Only a handful of us have kids (Albert and Andy and Amelia's boyfriend's kids), so that leaves more than half of us kid-less and stuck in the "adult" world yet and not in that mode of "creating Christmas" for one of our kids -though I think us aunts and uncles have done an ok job of it for our nieces and nephew. At Thanksgiving I had a revelation-I would and could have fun at any family event if I chose to. This get-together was no different. I've always seen my role in my family as the one who keeps everyone together; the peace-keeper, the care-taker, and the one who strives to do the very best at everything I do. It's a role I still have -because it is who I am. BUT, I think that in that role, I have found an influence unlike I realized before. I could spark more fun. I could still maintain the role I have had in my family as to not upset the "flow" of stuff and other people's roles, but I could drive the tenor and personality of our gatherings into a lighter sense. My sisters often seem to stay back and let things happen. My brothers do to an extent, but they are very stand-offish at times and do their own thing if they want no matter what anyone says while still being influential in a lot of our fun. My parents still want to be the "bosses" of everyone yet do understand that's not necessary. It's a tough role to break out of when you've brought up 7 kids!! I've always said that when we do one of our family pictures that is the "goofy" one, you can tell the functions of all of us in our family. My mom is smiling, enjoying the goofiness of her kids, my dad is to an extent but he still has a look of "get on with it you guys", my little sister Audrey is sort of part of the revelry but is not quite sure where she fits in yet, Anna is usually very cool looking and happy though not participating in the "back row", Amelia is the same -a little less cool looking but non participating nonetheless. Then, what is typically the "back row" in our pictures: Andy had the goofiest look on his face and is quietly doing something funny, Albert is cool for a tiny bit until the camera flashes, then he's being a goofball, Tony is consistently doing something funny and sometimes inappropriate, and I am doing the same -trying to keep from flipping off the camera (my mother says I have a "small" problem with sticking up my middle finger at people at bad times...I say it's great comic relief). So...knowing that and understanding that (and just plain accepting that), I've decided to use that reflection as a springboard for my role.

This weekend Christmas was good...at least in my perception. We had fun, we all got along, and we made some very good memories. Utilizing my talent as an instigator, we went snowman and "liger" hunting (see previous post for that!!) and we just plain had fun. I broke out the rabbit coat from my childhood, which OMG!!!! fit me (I hadn't been able to actually zip up that thing since 1993) and did a fashion show -completely absurd because it's a completely absurd jacket made from actual rabbit fur. I kept my tone light and jovial and a tish on the side of crazy. I had a good time. I've found the key to having a great time with my family and not going crazy.

So, in keeping with my Christmas theme and the Sunny reference, Christmas for me is what I make of it. It's not about what other people give us or even how other people treat us. It's not about our expectations of things we can't control at all because you cannot control another person's feelings, actions, or thoughts...only your own, now matter HOW much you wish people were different -especially family- your biggest influence in that is YOU. Wow people, once you "get" that, you feel free, calm, strong, and secure -I promise. It takes practice and very deliberate practice at that if you've been caught up in a "I wish my family, friends, people in general, etc were different" mind-clog ...but it's awesome. So any family gathering or holiday success (or anything for that matter of fact), depends on what you make it. When you're grown up, it's about making the fun with yourself and anyone who will go along with it. If no one does, who cares! Have fun on your own.

So still, if I'm a bit obnoxious, if I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times, if I flip people off just for sport, or if I say what I think when I know it won't go over well...I don't care. As long as I'm not hurtful to others and I treat people well, I'm ok.

And let's talk about another thing that I've noticed, not necessarily with myself (though I have been in this rut before), but with plenty others and that is that some people are afraid of hurting other people's feelings by standing up for themselves or by taking a stand on something. I know many people who go along with insane or even hurtful to other people things because they don't want to piss off their parents or other family members, disappoint them, or something else like that. So they either pretend to be something they aren't, or they pretend to go along with whatever and end up seething mad about it inside which locks them into a cycle of a sort of self loathing that permits them from really living their own life. As long as one is respectful in their disagreement, refusal, or otherwise insane idea, you are under no obligation to support that. You can still love your family and let them know that (or your friends for that matter) and completely disagree with them AND refuse to be a part of something you don't feel good about. In fact, you should. Think for yourself and be strong in that. It might be a mistake and you might have to do some relationship repairing later...but I really thinks it chips away at a person's soul to just blindly follow because you don't want to rock the boat or -which is most likely- you want to be liked or at least feel a PART of that family or group. Feeling a part of something, especially a family is a basic human need. But it shouldn't come at the cost of selling yourself short and in the end, that will be the relationship killer, not the action of advocating for yourself. And remember...if it DOES end up ruining the relationship, only you can control what YOU do...not anyone else.

So I think I'm rambling now, but my bottom line is that things happen for a reason and nothing always stays the same...unless you are consistently playing the same role and being disappointed over and over again. So create your fun, create your own place, and remember that being good to other people starts with being good and true to yourself. I'm sure there are holes and flaws in this rant of mine, but the great thing is -being true to yourself also means remaining open and flexible with some of your ideals. So as things change or people change, we can adjust our paradigms to change as well if we decide we can. If we can't do it, we've got the power to make that decision and stand up for it. We also have the power to find and develop the courage to do so. In fact, I feel that's one of our obligations to other people for truth and honesty in any relationship is more important than "getting along" or keeping the peace. However, truth and honestly requires a courage many of us find difficult to access for whatever reason. We've got to reflect on that and do some "inside work" so we can be a better person in this world all around. That should be our very first obligation.

And that, my friends, is my big idea for today. Thanks for tuning in and reading!

And Now Onto Just Winter...

Hello wonderful blog-reader! Thanks for tuning in today!

This weekend marked the end of Christmas for me. Finally!! I spent Friday and Saturday in Perham with my family and it was really fun. Friday morning I got my car fixed -the front lower control arms were bad, so it was a straight up warrenty fix and now it drives super smoothly-like it is supposed to!

Then the rest of the day I got a haircut (FINALLY!!) and hung out with my sister and brother in law from Mankato, my sister Amelia, my sister Audrey, and my mom. We played a couple rounds of Apples to Apples and it was hilarious. Ben and I tried out a new whiskey ,8I picked up, Wisers out of Canada. Wow, that's some smooth stuff. So, good times, good food, good whiskey, and good company. Saturday Audrey, Anna, Ben, and I went "snowman and liger hunting". We drove around Perham taking pictures of snowmen and this very strange looking thing we call a "liger", after Napolean Dynamite. It doesn't really look like a liger I guess, it kind of looks like a horse or something, but it's WEIRD and we aren't sure what it is, so that makes it a "liger" in our eyes. Here's a picture:


We also saw a number of snowmen. Here are some pictures of them:





And, we found a couple other snow sculptures. This one is an igloo made by one of my little little sister's friends:



And this last one, we've dubbed "Jabba the Hut". You can see why maybe...because we're not really sure what else it could be.


Oh, but here are some more...these WERE snowmen at one time, but toppled down. Man down!!!!!!!!!!


So that was Saturday morning. Then my entire family that was home (Andy, Amy and their kids couldn't make it this weekend :-(, but they were there in spirit) and we met at Lake's cafe for lunch. After that we headed to Mom and Dad's where we played Uno with Amelia's boyfriend's kids until my niece Grace got up from a nap. We had the entire table full at one time, with Albert taking pictures of everyone's hands and sharing them. Ha! Never give Albert a camera. You'll get strange pictures back. Ben and I finished off the Wisers and soon it was time for gift opening. Albert was super happy with the gifts I got him (I had his name), a Chicago Bears lawn gnome, rubbermaid containers, Finnegan's Irish Amber beer, and a splitting axe. I was pretty happy with my gifts as well. Anna had my name and she gave me a blanket/afghan she knitted for me and it is spectacular! Here's a picture of that:


More later, folks!! Stay tuned...the BEST snow sculpture of all is coming!

Warm Today? Are You KIDDING??

I encountered at least 5 different people in 5 different environments today who called today's weather "nice", "balmy", and "warm". Oh my goodness. Do you know what the temperature was today?? Like between 0 degrees and 10 degrees. Granted, it's above zero....but my freezer is warmer! It is supposed to get below zero for a couple days later on this week too.

You know what? (I say that a lot, don't I!?! :-D) I think that I would be ok moving somewhere warmer. Never thought I would say that, but I'm sick of the cold. I LOVE snow and the cool part of winter (like ice fishing, skiing-if I ever get around to that!-, and Christmas), but I seriously just want to hibernate. Blah.

I haven't had my fireplace going since a couple weeks ago when I got it started at first. I pretty much haven't been home!!! Geez. This weekend I'll be gone again so maybe next weekend I can get it going again.

I have a bunch of work to do tonight. But right now I'm watching Entertainment Tonight and I can't look away. They are going ON and ON and ON about Kate Gosselin's new hairdo and new "look". Oh my double goodness. Why do people watch these shows?? Why do people care about all of these other people? You know what? I used to watch this show ALL THE TIME and I used to be really up on pop culture. This year, I have really slid back on the pop culture thing and am pretty ignorant of things now. Oh well! I actually don't really give a crap! HAHA!!!

I do have some things on my mind...but they need to percolate first. Lucky, lucky blog reader! Soon you'll be graced with another longgggggggggg purging!! :-) WOOOOO -EEEE! I bet you just cannot wait!!!

At What Temperature Does Whiskey Freeze?

You know what? It's cold. Not just KINDA cold...it's COLD. I guess it's ok. I don't live in the land of wind anymore, so it's not that bad -but it's still cold and I don't like it. I swear, it is like absolute zero cold though.

Plus, I'm GETTING a cold. I DON'T like that. No way, no siree. Mucinex to the rescue once again. That stuff is EXCELLENT. I highly recommend it much more than pansy-ass dayquil or nitequil.

That being said, it's about time for me to head to the pharmacy and stock up on the cold medicine. I bought sudafed last week and haven't used it yet. Maybe I should start taking some. Huh. It doesn't work if you don't take it, right?? Haha.

I've got laundry to do tonight...a whole bunch and then some paperwork to go through. Work never ends...but it sure is fun.

Today I am 95% sure I will be here next year and even started re-looking at my contract to start scheming and planning my negotiation plan. 2010 is going to be a super fantastic year. 2011 won't be too bad either because although it is an odd numbered year, 11 adds up to 2, so that's ok with me...and all of the numbers add up to 4, so that is REALLY ok with me. I like the number 4. I like practically any even number. If something can't come in 3's, make it an even number. That's what I say. 3 of something is usually aesthetically pleasing, but an even number of anything makes my brain feel happy. And by the way, 4 is a "red" number, 2 is "yellow" and 3 is "green". 5 is "blue", fyi, in case you were wondering.

:-)

There's No Place Like Home

Hooray! I'm home! I wish I had this whole week just to laze around my house and catch up on stuff here. Tomorrow I have to go back to work. ...blah. I still wish I could have this whole week to do nothing. My vacation and visiting was very good. Very, VERY good. But there's no place like home.

I have to get back on track health-wise. I have to get back to recording what I eat, paying attention to what I eat, and maintaining my fitness routine. I've got plans, I've got goals, and it's time to get back onto the horse!! I saw my dietitian and weight loss doctor today and things are good. It's all up to me. Wooooo-hooooooo!

You know what though? I'm getting sick. My head is getting all stuffed up and I feel very sickly -headache, achy, etc. I've felt this coming on for about a week. Staying at my mom and dad's for an extended time always seems to give me some kind of sickness. It seems like someone there is sick all the time and then add the fact that they burn wood for heat, which makes the air incredibly dry, that just makes for conditions ripe to catch something. Oh well. I've gone all year without really getting sick at all. I can deal with it. I did get my H1N1 vaccination today when I was in Fargo. One of my friends works at FargoCass Public Health and he found out I didn't have my vaccination yet so he offered to give me a dose if I stopped in today when I was in town.

I haven't even unpacked yet. All I've done since I got home at 3 has been uploaded some pictures, cleaned pictures off my camera, put dishes away that had been drying over break, and watching the news. I need to get some laundry done. Maybe tomorrow. I need to go to bed early tonight -hopefully! Whenever I have plans to go to bed early, I never seem to get there!!!

You know what? I am watching the news on channel 10, WDIO and the anchor both irritates me and completely fascinates me. He looks like a walrus and sounds fake. It's all I can do to NOT make fun of the guy. I also think he has a toupee. Wow. That's all I can say. Anything else would make me get carried away!!

Thanks for reading! Have a great day and I hope your new year is fantastic!!

Welcome, 2010.

I want to be at home. In a span of 12 days I will only have been home for two and a half days. January 1st is today, but I feel like the month is already half over. I am not just going to bitch in this post. It seems that's all I've been doing lately on this blog. Sorry, faithful blog reader! I will do better...

I did not really make a New Year's resolution this year. I don't like them. However, I have reorganized my goals, "bucket list", and reflected on some "this is not working for me anymore" things, so maybe you can say my New Year's Resolution (if I had to say I had one), is to refocus and reinvent -or in other words, just plain "renew". I've realized I have many, many things waiting down the pike for me right now and I just have to get out and grab them, make them mine.

I went ice fishing again tonight. It was a very fun time. I met Tony, my brother out there and we just bullshitted and played Cribbage while watching our lines get absolutely no bites and listening to his crazy music. After a while one of his high school buddies came over with his girlfriend and more bullshitting ensued -mainly Navy vs. Airforce bullshit (Tony was in the navy and his friend had gone into the airforce), but it was fun. Tony snagged a BEAUTIFUL walleye -it was huge and gorgeous, but it was too big and Big Pine Lake has a walleye restriction of over 27 inches and this one was well over that, so he released it. Not long after that, I got a hit and lost a fish with a snapped line. :-( how sad. That would have been my first fish of the year -which would have been pretty good after only spending about 5 hours total in a fish house all season and only since a week ago. Oh well!! Some fishy is swimming around with a hook in it's mouth probably now. I hope he got to at least eat the minnow on it! Haha.

My niece Grace is spending a few days at my parents' house while my brother and his wife are on vacation. She's such a sweetie...but she's inhabiting my room. So, part of my crabbiness tonight is that because both of my brothers are home tonight, I get to sleep on the couch. I have no "room" or no "bed". My parents don't really seem to care much -or rather, haven't been too keen on problem-solving. Whatever. I'll make do as I always do. Then, one of my sisters keeps posting passive aggressive bullshit on facebook how she is "glad she has another family who wants to spend time with her" -her boyfriend's family- because she gets pissy that no one is around when she is. So what if both of my brothers are home and I am too and both she and her boyfriend happen to be staying at her house in town for once. She COULD have called up each of us and made arrangements to invite us over instead of getting all pissy about nobody coming around or caring that she and Jeff are in town all night. That's just dumb and kinda psycho, if you ask me. At least I didn't have to spend the time and money to make beer cheese soup. I wanted to, but she claimed Grandma likes hers better, so whatever, I let her make it. -which is funny, because I've never made that before in my life, so how could she like that better than mine when she never ate mine? Psycho. Also, she knows that I have no where to sleep here at mom and dad's and she has an entire house empty but for her and her boyfriend, but did she offer to let me stay there? Nope. So I see how it is in her world. Huh. Here comes my defiant, oppositional, and uncooperativeness parts of me....I guess you could also say I can be rather vindictive. That really works for me when I'm fighting for the rights of others -when I'm crusading for a kid who's being treated wrongly because he or she is misunderstood, vindication really fuels my fight for that kid. But personally, it doesn't make me feel very good about myself when I feel vindictive against people I feel slight me. Ahhhh, look! A chance to renew! LOL.

I just wanna go home...be in my own bed, my own town, and leave the tv off and enjoy some silence or something. Or have the tv on, but watch one channel all night. And especially- not have people ask me a zillion questions over and over again which they already know the answer to or tell me things that are completely and totally obvious. OR (EWWWWW), drink water or something out of a glass and not find weird stuff stuck to the inside of it when I've already drunk 4/5 of the liquid. That JUST happened to me right now as I type. *sigh*

I have to go and make some calls I promised I'd return tonight. Hmmmm....I wonder where in the world I can find some privacy in this place. And that's ANOTHER thing I could go on and on about.

In closing, I honestly believe that 2010 is a good year. It will be a good year for me. I have many, many opportunities and many, many choices coming my way this year. Both are good, but exasperating at the same time most of the time. Here's to choosing well! Cheers!