I Guess There's Just Too Much In My Head to Sleep: PURGE

I guess I'm not that tired. I made myself some tea and that will get me settled down. I've been so busy going here and going there and being pissed off at all the driving on crappy roads I've had to do lately that I've been shoving back the stuff that's been on my mind lately, so I haven't had any insightful posts lately -besides the one I stole from Bob Christmas Eve. I still stand by that one though. You want to win me over, get on my "good side", and weasel your way into my "inner circle"? -my TRUE inner circle where I won't shut you out...ever?? Give me those kinds of gifts. Nothing...absolutely NOTHING irritates, makes me angry, saddens me, or causes me to drift away from people more than when they don't put out the effort to stay in contact with me, show me they are thinking of me, make me feel like I'm important (and not like prima-donna important...I'm talking like #36 & #34-so insanely powerful), and put forth effort to show they are "here", etc., etc.

I think the biggest gift you can ever give someone is the gift of time. Time to talk on the phone, taking time to email, text, or just visit in person. Even just a quick email "hi, how are you? just checking in" or "hi, just wanted to say hi today" is enough. That doesn't take much time, BUT, it takes thought and lets the other person know that you think they are valuable and that you are willing to find the time to at least reach out. Another thing that irritates me? When people claim to be such good friends with you but then never make an effort to communicate with you. How in the world can ANYONE not communicate in this day an age? It is so EASY. There is email, there are cell phones, there is text, there is email ON cell phones. There is no excuse. Any kind of relationship be it friendship or familial or romantic needs to have attention paid to it or it will go to the wayside. It will die. If you don't give a relationship time it will die. That's just how life goes. Duh. And honestly? I do not believe there is any excuse except laziness or something similarly counterproductive why one person cannot keep up their end of communication in this day and age. I won't do all the work either. That may sound callous, but it's only fair and I've worked hard to NOT be the person to fix everything and make sure everything is alright -that everyone has what they need. If they don't, and it's because they dropped the ball? Screw 'em. Whatever. Doing all the communication and work in that relationship only serves to enable that kind of behavior and perpetuate the maladaptive behavior that just doesn't work for me. I will not be the glue...something much bigger than me or anyone is the glue, but I will be a piece of the puzzle -and a puzzle is not a puzzle or creates a picture unless there is more than one piece of that puzzle. I look at it as a choice that person has made in their life -whether consciously or unconscious, nevertheless, it is a choice. Their choice doesn't include me, so why should I waste my time then??

I think for the most part I'm a very good person, kind, loving, humorous, very compassionate, tolerant, mostly easy going, and accepting. However....when I go on these rants, I have a slight problem with myself. I'm not sure if it's the old dysfunctional family role I've played or the martyr-syndrome-walk-all-over-me-so-you-can-be-happy-and-everyone's-happy or responsible oldest child role still whispering in my head OR if it's reality saying "you dumbass, you are totally contradicting yourself left and right...what in the world is wrong with you?"....but it's something I'm aware of. It's something I stumble on inside.

So while I think that I'm a pretty decent human being with qualities that are mostly admirable, I do admit and concede that I have qualities that are defiant, oppositional, and uncooperative. I'm not sure if that's in defense -to protect myself from something, or if that's what a "healthy" human being does. That's something to think about and study up on. I will also admit that I LIKE my qualities of defiance, opposition and uncooperativeness. I feel that is part of my voice and what makes up my value system. I think, for the most part, I've made that work for me. I think it's important not to be wishy-washy about some things and to take a stand- even if you are wrong and later you change your mind. But for now, take a stand.

My stand today is that I'm thankful for the friends and family who stay in steady contact with me -even if it's once every few months or so. Who ask me what I'm doing for New Year's. Who text me now and again just to say "hi". Who call me even if they know I won't or can't answer but just leave a voicemail anyway to say "hey, hope you're doing well." And, at the same time, I sincerely hope that I am the type of friend or family member who does the same. I think I should work on that -even though I refuse to "do all the work"...I can do my part. But I still believe that there comes a time when you've got to cut some people loose and just leave things up to fate. Things will be what they will be. Jobs will come and go. Cars will come and go. Tv shows will be cancelled and recreated in new formats. Weight will be gained and lost. Same thing with people sometimes too. Friends have seasons I think. And that's ok. Family does too...the only difference is that you're stuck with them because they are related, but those relationships ebb and flow too.

But seriously, here's a HUGE insight to me: I don't need stuff and I don't like stuff. I like attention, I like being thought of, I like knowing I'm thought of, I like every single one of those 50 Gifts You Can Give All Year Round mostly because they require effort and effort is meaningful. And that means you care -who doesn't want to know someone cares about them! And that's paying it forward and keeping positive energy going. I get empty too. It would be very nice to get that energy from the people in my life instead of always from within. I think you would agree, if you reflected on this a bit, that this is true in your own life as well.

So I guess I have had some stuff on my mind. I think this has been percolating a very long time. VERY long. Since before fall I think and my move to Grand Rapids has just served to re-percolate, pile more on, and exacerbate more.

And by the way, today I am 90% sure I am staying here next year.

so..........sleeeeeepy...

I am super, mega, mega mega tired. Beyond belief, actually. That's what I get for getting up so darned early. I got quite a bit done today BUT I forgot to get my H1N1 shot. OOPS!!! It was 5:05 and I remembered that there was a county public health shot clinic open from 2-5 in town today. Oh well! I was too concerned about getting snow tires for my car.

I found some and my God are they expensive!!! Wow. Four tires installed will cost me just under $1000. That was the CHEAPEST rate in town -and, I have to wait at least a week for the tires because they need to be ordered in because my tires are not an "average" size. Pontiac G8's are a pain in the ass. :-) But they are pretty cars. I guess I could have gotten a cheaper set immediately...but I did a considerable amount of looking around and asking around and found that Bridgestone Blizzak are pretty dang good. Luckily I can get these ordered in and the place that will install them is a Bridgestone dealer. This will be my second foray into a "local" service (my first was my chiropractor -who I love...and coincidentally helped me meet my insurance deductible of the year already), so I do hope that it works out well. I did not ask around about this particular business but every question I had was answered well and every "tricky" question I asked (sometimes I act like a dumb girl when I already know the answers just to see how I'll be treated) was dealt with VERY well. So they passed my bullshit test for now. That is very good.

I very rarely go blind into a business to purchase a service or just choose a place at random without doing some legwork of my own first. Then I spend a good amount of time feeling them out when I contact them. I'm a good judge of character when I really pay attention and control the conversation-or attempt to control the conversation. I know already that I will never take my car to one place in town because they are incredibly overinflated in price and tried to answer very vaguely and almost kind of talked down to me when I asked one of my "girl" questions about tire balancing (I can't remember now what it was -but it wasn't even that bad...I've asked MUCH worse). I should quit that. I don't always do that, but if I get the feeling that the business doesn't have much respect for me as a customer, I just go nuts and can't help it. I probably shouldn't do that in town here. It was fine in Fargo/Moorhead because that was a larger community, but this is pretty much a "small town". Not good. :-) You never know...I might find the business owner or worker in a meeting as a kid's parent some day and THEN what will I do?!? The jig will be up.

I made my chicken chili tonight and holy cow is it hot. The Rottas are gonna LOVE it. I'll make my beer cheese soup later... not sure when...maybe even that day. who knows! Right now I've got one heck of a headache and should probably get to bed. I've got traveling to do this weekend again -no rest for the wicked. I hope that February lets me stay at home more than January. Ha! I finally get snow tires and then I just stay home. PERFECT!!! :-) Oh yeah, I've REALLY got to find some sandbags tomorrow before I head out to begin my long weekend of fun and fantastic voyages since it's illegal to put a dead body in my trunk. I'd need a pretty heavy one too. I think 200lbs ought to do it. I needs me some junk in my trunk. A whole LOT of junk in my trunk to weigh that puppy down and squish my wheels into the road a bit better. This car just wants to FLY over the pavement. Cool in the summer, sucky in the winter.

Ok, I'll stop obsessing about my stupid car and it's inability to handle winter weather conditions with it's rear wheel drive and all season touring factory issued tires with a light ass. Oh yeah, I can't forget about the loose ball joints! I wonder when Norseman's will get those parts in...rat bastards. I could lament more on that, but I'm beyond tired now and I'm not so sure I know exactly what I'm talking about at this point. Good night y'all! Have a safe, fun but relaxing, happy new year!!! 2010 is going to ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Early Bird Gets The Seinfeld

This morning I woke up at 3:00am and could not get back to sleep. So I laid in bed for about an hour and then decided to just get up. I have to make chicken chili today to take to the Rotta Christmas on Saturday, so I decided to get a jump on things and give the dry beans a good all day soak instead of quick-cooking them. Also, I had time to cook the chicken as well ahead of time. It's a little after 6 now and I've been watching reruns of Seinfeld. What a great way of spending the morning. You know what I like most about watching Seinfeld reruns (besides the absolute hilarity)? It's all of the actresses who play Jerry's girlfriends -at the time they were on his show, they were "unknowns" -like the chick who's on the Gilmore Girls now, "Grace" from Will and Grace, the chick on Full House (Uncle Jesse's wife) and a zillion others. I watched Seinfeld sporadically when I was younger, but have begun to appreciate it more in recent years and finally decided to record episodes this year and watch episodes whenever I need a good laugh.

But anyway, it's about time to jump in the shower and head to work. I've killed as much time as I can do before heading into work today. I guess the earlier I get there, the sooner I can get finished with my docket of back-up work and begin the New Year's weekend.

I'd like to get done fairly early today and shop around for some snow tires today. I did a bunch of research last night and have some very good ideas on types and prices -all I need is somewhere to buy them and install them. It would be great if I could do that this afternoon or tomorrow morning. I need something since I slide all over the road!! Sandbags or something else very heavy for my trunk would help, but tires would be even better. I also have to make my chili this afternoon!!

Christmas Is Over! Hooray!

As I write this, I'm actually watching a football game. Yes, it is true. Me, Angela K. Doll is watching a pro football game. I think that professional football is stupid. Incredibly dumb. I like football for the most part- like high school football and some college football, but professional football is just far too "big" and it just seems so orchestrated. It's like in "Strange Brew" when the hockey players are all brain washed and are being controlled with beer and music tones. That's exactly how I think pro football is. There's too much help from the sidelines, too many technical things and too much "big show" stuff for it to seem very nice and organic...nice and "sporty" to me. It's just a big show. I don't like that.

But I'm watching it because there isn't much else on and sometimes I am really interested in games, especially when it's teams like the Vikings and the Bears because I am very amused by two of my brothers and their love affair with the Bears and not the Vikings...and practically EVERYONE else's love affair with the Vikings in this state. Still...I do have to say, that I absolutely LOVE the sound of helmets smashing together. Kinda masochistic, I know, but that's how I roll.

I had a great Christmas. I was stuck in Perham for a couple days through the snow storm and it was good to spend time with my parents and Audrey without any of my other brothers and sisters around. I taught my mom and Audrey how to play Canasta (the Ada way) and went ice fishing with my dad. I also took a bunch of pictures with my camera. They sucked ass, but oh well!! Gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince I guess! Ha!

I also spent time with my nephew and nieces. I think that was my favorite time. They are all cool. That's what makes the holidays fun: kids.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work and get some things done. If it weren't for some high maintenance parents and some overloaded teachers, I would be free as a bird all week. As it is, I now have to work -for free. I am not contracted for these days and I do not get these back, unless I am lucky enough to sneak in a comp day. Comp days are illegal, so if I want to switch out a day of work for an extra day I've already worked, it has to be a "slow" day/time. I do believe that is virtually impossible in this line of work. There are ALWAYS irons in the fire and there is ALWAYS something just waiting to explode as soon as I leave. I guess I can't stop that and just have to deal with that. Still, it sucks sometimes. Tomorrow would be a fantastic day to make chili and go through some stuff here and clean a little. I won't be home for the next two weekends and that is usually my "catch up on housework and stuff" time.

Well, it looks like the Bears are kicking the Vikings' asses tonight. I still don't get what the purpose of the "extra point" kick thing is or what the heck a "conversion" is or a bunch of other crap. Football rules do NOT make sense to me...but who cares. It sounds cool when their helmets smash together and it is fun to see them run down a field carrying a ball. I guess. :-) But baseball....man, that's my game!!!!!! SOON it will be starting. Soon. Not long now. Baseball. Yum yum. I love that game. Love it. Love it. Love it.

So Christmas is over...kinda. I still have Grandma Rotta's Christmas and Christmas at mom and dad's yet after that...so it's not really over. But the calendar says it is, so it is. Time for a new year. Time for a new beginning. Time for a new NEW. I like new beginnings. I get sick of the same old thing and like renewals. 2010 is going to be a fantastic year. In many, many ways.

Gifts You Can Give All Year Round

And now, in the spirit of the Holidays and giving from the heart: "Gifts You Can Give All Year Round". I read this tonight on my brother-in-law's father's blog ("Now What Are They Doing?" blog link down below on the right of this page) and I have to share this. I could not have made a better list, because ALL of these things are meaningful to me. These are the gifts I would appreciate receiving the most and have given to people myself without realizing they are "gifts" -to me, they are just something a friend or a fellow human being does for one another.

I am paying this forward. Read, reflect, and put into practice. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world who feels these 50 things are the most meaningful but simple (and, coincidentally FREE) gifts one would most appreciate receiving AND giving over and over again all year 'round. What a better world it would be for us all if we treated one another like this.


50. Make a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.

49. Create a hand-made card and leave a thoughtful note.

48. Randomly, without any prompting, look them in the eye and say, “I really appreciate you—just for being you.”

47. Compliment them on something people may not often acknowledge—like their work ethic, or consideration for other people.

46. Give them something from nature that reminds you of them—like a unique shell, or a smooth but sturdy rock.

44. Send them a funny video from YouTube, and write, “You make me laugh more than this video. Thank you!”

43. Draw a map of your apartment with them in it and write, “I’d be lost without you.”

42. Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.

41. Give them a book you’ve already read, and inscribe it with a meaningful message.

40. Ask them if you can take care of their responsibilities; for example, you could offer to pick your friend’s children up from school.

39. Tell them they were so right about something and let them know how that information impacted your life.

38. Look for something on Craigslist you know they need—a job or a piece of affordable furniture, for example—and forward them the ad.

37. Squeeze their hand and say, “thank you.”

36. Ask, “How are you—really?” Then do nothing but listen and respond to what you hear for as long as they’d like to talk.

35. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?”

34. Notice how they affect other people—not you—and comment on it.

33. Cook dinner for them.

32. Make a simple sacrifice to spend time with them; for example, TiVo that show you always catch, and stop by with a 6-pack.

31. See their potential, and encourage them to pursue their dreams.

30. Ask them to retell their favorite story.

29. Let them pick the plans and find a way to really enjoy it—go line dancing, and see the experience through their eyes.

28. Offer them your skill for free. For example, my friend Cori who’s a graphic designer designed something for me last year as an early birthday gift.

27. Tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.

26. Introduce them to someone you love as, “My dear friend who taught me…”

25. Introduce them to something new that you think would enrich their lives.


24. Let them be right, even if you think they’re not, if it’s not that big of a deal.

23. Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means the world to you.

22. Send them a text that reads, “Thought of you today, and it made me smile.”

21. Notice when they do something that might have been challenging, and applaud their efforts.

20. Tell them the block in your planner that includes their name is the most important on a busy day.

19. Tell them you understand their struggle—whatever that may be—and say you’re always a call away to help.

18. Say thank you for something they don’t realize they gave you, like inspiration to seize the day, or the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship.

17. Let them know how they helped you think about something differently. For example, tell your friend she helped you see losing your job as a gift (if she did).

16. Surprise them in some way with something you know they’ll enjoy.

15. Send them a picture of you two together, and remind them why that day was amazing.

14. Ask how their big day went—whatever that big day may have been.

13. Share their pain when they have it. Hold their hand, wipe their tears, and be their shoulder to lean on.

12. Give them an uncomfortably long hug, like the Do Happy tip suggests.

11. Share a childlike experience with them. Go on the swings, get some ice cream, and let go of your stresses together.

10. Sing a song at karaoke and dedicate it to them. It doesn’t have to be a mushy one. Dedicate Ice, Ice Baby—it’s the thought that counts!

9. Encourage them to be completely themselves around you. Tell your female friend she’s beautiful even without makeup; or tell your guy friend you like his corny jokes because they’re his.

8. Be honest even if it’s uncomfortable for you.

7. Invite them out with friends of yours they don’t know. Nothing says “I value you” like inclusion.

6. Forgive something they did that hurt you without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

5. Look out for someone they love.

4. Remember something they said that they thought you didn’t hear.

3. Help them reconnect with someone important in their life.

2. If you blog, write something they inspired, and dedicate it to them.

1. Simply say, “I really care about you, and I wanted you to know.”

I didn't write these, but they are right up my alley. Whoever did, is a genius in my eyes and a person not only filled with compassion but wisdom as well. Happy Holidays everyone! May peace, love, and perseverance find you and stay with you throughout this next year. :-)

Snow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas Eve Everyone!! As I write this, it is Christmas Eve morning and I'm at my brother Albert's. I got here last night because I have an appointment for my car this morning to get the brakes fixed. So in anticipation of the weather, I came down last night. I'm glad I did because not only did I avoid winter weather driving difficulties, I also got to spend time with my brother & sister-in-law and my niece Grace. She's 2-1/2 and a card! It takes her a little while to warm up to new faces, even if she knows who your are, but if she doesn't see you a lot, she needs some time to get used to you again and go through a bit of showing off before she really interacts with you. But after that, watch out! She is your best friend! In fact, she wanted me to give her a bath last night, saying "angela, will you take a bath with me?". During bathtime, I gleaned quite a lot of information from her, such as, apparently she and I will be going on a boat ride this summer, she's going to take swimming lessons when she gets a little bit bigger, she "warms up the water" by swimming around in the tub, and a mountain of other things. She's very bright and a complete sponge, so you must be VERY careful what you say infront of her because she'll incorporate it into her vocabulary the next day permanently - and she understands the context in which to use the words as well!! Her favorite question or response right now to everything is "why?" Needless to say, it has been a fabulous start to Christmas vacation!!

The weather is unpredictable right now and I'm up in the air as far as plans go. I have two options: go to Ada and spend Christmas with my friends there and wait out the storm and then spend a few times in Perham before heading back home or the opposite which is spend Christmas in Perham and wait out the storm and then make my way to Ada to visit adn then go home. Right now it's looking like Ada might not happen right now. That's sad, but it will be ok because it would be good to spend some Christmas time with Audrey and my parents as well. I haven't seen them in a while, and haven't spent time with just Audrey in FOREVER.

My car apparently needs MUCH more work than just the breaks...something with the ball joints or lower control arms...I have no idea what that means, but I'm on my way to the dealer to find out. Fun times!! :-)

Hello, Christmas Spirit!

Good afternoon! 5 days until Christmas everyone! Today I feel very good about that. As you've probably gathered through my postings over the past 4ish months, this has been a long fall/early winter for me; lots of introspection and re-evaluation going on around the theme of loneliness here in this new adventure I'm in. This has been good -I have been blessed to have been able to be in this situation -which might seem kind of masochistic. It's been very uncomfortable and kind of new and if I'm honest, very scary. How awesome to be pushed out of my comfort zone and given the choice to grow! And I say "choice" because it is a choice. I think that's what I've been struggling with...the letting go of yesterdays and the acceptance of unknown roads and bridges to build today and tomorrow. Not many people are given this kind of chance to renew and reinvent. I'm very thankful and not only need to, but finally WANT to keep my perspective on that.

I've always been a somewhat hopeful person. Hopes and dreams, I believe, are all a person really truly ever has that they can call their very own. I've got my own hopes and dreams and have made some of them come true, have re-evaluated some of them, and have grown out of others. I'm still working on others. I'm hopeful, still. -and probably forever. That's just the kind of person I am I guess. Sure, I have moments of "woe is me" and "everything is hopeless"...but deep down, I don't really believe things are hopeless or things are so woeful. It's just a passing faze.

This morning I went to a different church. I want to find a congregation that is more community oriented and where I feel I fit in better. The Catholic church in town is fine and nice, but I don't fit in -and that completely affects my spirituality. Too many old people and too many young families or established families -the congregation is very family focused and very focused on their parochial school, which they should. I just don't fit in with that. I'm a single adult professional woman who is not cut out to be a nun or a "holy" lay-person, nor has much in common with others of my age who have families. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's my responsibility to find where I fit in where I can express both my spirituality and my personality. I need it for my wellness balance so that I'm able to be the best kind of person I can be and utilize the talents my Creator has given me. I've found that I need community and it's not good enough for me to just "believe" because tradition or practice says I should. So last night I thought maybe I should be looking at other denominations and just do some exploring. So this morning I went to a Lutheran church down the street from me. It's an elca lutheran church, which reflects the congregational inclusiveness of worship I feel should happen in our world. It was a long-ass service -WAY longer than a Mass, probably because there were also two baptisms and lots of additional music due to the holidays. It was nice and I felt more at peace -truly at peace and "one" with the world and my God than I have in a long time. I think I'll try this church out more and see how it goes. The people were kind and church wasn't full of all old people and families. There was much diversity. I very much liked that and felt at home. That's why I liked St. Joe's in Moorhead, MN. It was diverse and I felt I could connect with others there; and I did. Here I felt the same, so we'll see how it goes. I saw two teachers I supervise there; these two are teachers I have already felt much respect for and have been impressed by both their dedication to their job and their insight to the human condition. They treat their students and their co-workers wonderfully. They are people I don't have that feeling of "keep that professional barrier there" because they are already professional, but warm individuals -people I've "seen" goodness in and "felt" or intuited maturity and acceptance in. That further solidified in my head that this might be a good place for me. At least for now.

My cousin-in-law Tom called me today and after giving me crap about a facebook post I had the other day and chatting about how mean people are right now when you go out shopping, he wanted to confirm if I was coming to his birthday party on Jan. 2nd. He and Jodi (my cousin) are planning on going to roller derby in St. Paul and have invited a bunch of people. I had said "maybe" to the invite because I also have my mom's side Christmas get-together that day and I had to figure out how to finagle both. I think I've got it figured out. I'm really looking forward to spending time with them -and meeting some of their friends as well because they are good people (Tom & Jodi as well as their friends), not to mention very funny. So I'm going to do the Rotta family Christmas party Saturday morning through about 1:00-2:00 and then head down to St. Paul for roller derby, stay at Tom & Jodi's and then head out Sunday. On New Year's Eve I'll be spending time with my friend Cindy at her family's get-together. I always have loads of fun with them too, so I'm looking forward to that. And on the subject of holiday get-togethers, I'm going to Ada to spend Christmas Eve with Jami & Shaun's family and then heading to Perham to spend Christmas day with my folks and visiting my grandparents as well. If there is time, maybe I can do some ice fishing with my dad. I haven't done that in forever and it would be good to just spend some time wasting life away fishing, drinking beer, and shooting the breeze with my dad. Oh yeah, maybe catching a fish or something too!! :-)

I'm finally looking forward to Christmas and the holidays. For me, this year...how this fall has gone...THAT'S my Christmas miracle. :-)

Home

Today I was driving back from a meeting in Duluth and I looked out my window and suddenly felt at home. Everything was familiar to me and it felt like I have been here forever and ever and ever -as if what I was seeing outside my window was actually a part of me. Then I passed a lake with fish houses, four wheelers, snow mobiles and people milling around and I felt "right". I don't know if all of this makes sense or anything. There is something about ice fishing that really reminds me of home and feels like home...it's very familiar to me. And then I GOT home and there were more fish houses on my lake with snow mobiles and people milling around on my lake. Wow. I really honestly feel at home here. I missed this kind of stuff living in Ada. A lot. I don't think I realized how much. When I moved here, I knew I had missed the lake and trees in the summer time (or just before everything was frozen), but now I can definitely say that it is a true assessment of my content of moving to this area. I really honestly missed this kind of area for the past 10 years -maybe even more because before Ada I was living in Fargo/Moorhead. Perhaps that was a major component of my habitual discontent of being there that I could never access or put into words. It always, ALWAYS felt like something was not "right", but I couldn't figure it out. I was definitely made aware today with a quiet whisper in my heart and head that this is where I am meant to be for now. I am home. Finally.

Santa came to my house today! I got my camera. Holy crap. It is very, very technical and complicated...well, I guess it doesn't HAVE to be because it is very user friendly, but it has awesome potential. Amazing. I am completely intimidated. Completely.

Expectations

Tonight I went to volunteer orientation at GRACE House. It is the homeless shelter in Grand Rapids that is housed in one of the local churches. It's sort of a "make shift" shelter that's been in this "temporary" state for about 4 years now. I'm planning on doing two evening (4:45-9) shifts a month -at least that's what I'm able to actually commit to. I'm looking forward to it. I really want to do this and get involved a bit more here.

I ordered my camera today!! I hopped onto Amazon today and found that the price went up a dollar, so I thought -crap!! I'd better get that sucker ordered! I should get it the early part of next week. Right in time for Christmas! YAY! Merry Christmas to me!!! :) I was going to wait until after the lessons this week in my online photography class (they are about how to choose a camera), but I pretty much already knew what I wanted, so I just went ahead and bought it. I'm pretty happy about it though. I cannot wait!!!

So...I have to make a decision on whether to stay here or not next year. I will be thinking of this a lot over the next few months. I'm hoping I can get my contract negotiated well and my salary can see a bump...I know the coop can afford it- I see the budget, I know what the individual district budgets are...I know they can afford to give me a good bump -a very good bump and it won't affect any of their budgets or anything because I know how much money is floating around not being used because of the absence of some other things. Well....we will see.

On another subject, but still related to work, I've decided to put into the principals' laps a scheduled meeting with me, them, and their special ed staff. I've described it as a "coffee with the coordinator" type of meeting where it's not a mandatory or systems based meeting (like child find, or IEP, etc), but just a scheduled time each month they can pick my brain or just bitch -get some frustration off their chest and maybe feel like they are being listened to. I'm surprised at the overwhelming response I've gotten from principals!! All of my Monday mornings are now booked every month and more to come. That is just incredibly awesome and I'm more than happy to provide this opportunity for them. It will also allow me to get into their building and maintain a relationship with the teachers and principals. Maybe some of the teachers' frustrations about regular ed teachers dumping kids into their classrooms or paras being incompetent can get communicated to the principal in this kind of atmosphere -because some of the teachers are reluctant to "cause waves" so maybe if I create a forum or a venue for them to voice their frustrations they can feel less threatened and get some of these things they complain to me about (but mostly each other) out into the open.

That makes me think....I've got to get on the ball and get some of my leadership books read. I've been putting that off like CRAZY!!! No time like the present!!

Well, that's all tonight. Thanks for reading and thanks for clicking on the ads on the page. I really appreciate your visit here. :-)

Hodge-Podge

Do you know that tomorrow is December 15th? And do you realize that means Christmas is only 10 days away?

Huh. I'd better get cracken and get some of my Christmas gifts bought. Usually, I make a list in August/September of all of the people in my life I give presents to and what I'm going to give them. I think quite a bit about it and put tons of thought and consideration into it. However, this year, I have not done that. Oh-I take that back! I have done that -I did that on Friday...but I have absolutely no desire to do anymore with it. I am half way done. I know in my head pretty much what gifts I am giving...however, I just haven't had the urge to go shopping for them. Maybe it's because I'm so busy with this job or maybe because I just don't feel...I don't know..."right". For some reason, I just don't want to think about Christmas. At all. I want it to come and go very quickly. I'm not sure what that means, but it hasn't really bothered me. I do wonder, though, if it has to do with the fact that I am pretty busy with work and don't have the energy to put towards that. Plus the fact that I'm pretty much by myself up here and alone and maybe that makes me not want to think about Christmas this year. Who knows! :-) It is what it is, I guess.

I have a huge list of "to do's" for Christmas break -and I'm talkin HUGE. Mostly, it's stuff for work that I have to get finished before January that I never have time to work on when I'm at work because I'm either running here or there, on the phone, addressing emails, or talking with whoever comes into my office to chat. I don't mind all of that stuff -it's my administrative style to be present, visible and accessible...it just means that I have to spend extra time on my own getting office stuff done. I guess that's ok though, right now because what else do I have to do!!?? Nada. So...I just hope I can get all this stuff finished. I'm kind of worried about that because I usually bite off more than I can chew -or plan more than I can actually accomplish.

So anyway...nothing profound today. I've got some stuff swimming in my head about a lot of stuff but I'm not ready to purge that yet. I've been thinking lately that I need to really take a good look at what I'm going to do next year. I'll have to start negotiating my contract in February/March. I'm really divided on staying or not. There are so many things I could do and accomplish in one more year...but I'm still not sure this is the right "fit" for me. So, I've got some soul-searching to do between now and then.

On a funner note, I've started taking an online class through community ed on digital photography. It's just an intro class where you learn about camera features, an intro to digital editing, and the history and application of digital photography. This has always been an interest of mine but I've always been too intimidated to delve into it -either because I thought the equipment needed was too expensive or it was just too complicated. It's a little more reachable for me now I think and in just one week via two lessons, I've already learned quite a bit. I don't have my camera yet...I'm putting off buying one until after next week's lesson -PLUS, Amazon keeps dropping the price of the one I want, so I'm just gonna let it ride and see how far I will go before I get too nervous and have to buy it! I'm looking at a Canon Rebel xsi. It's a 12.2mp, dslr, and it comes with a 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 EF lens. It should be a pretty good camera and not too expensive either. I can "collect" different lenses later on, which would be a very good addition. So maybe I'm glad that I wasn't able to take photography in high school...that was completely film based and although I probably would have learned some of the technical stuff in general related to photography, I can easily do that now with a digital. I remember one of my friends was in photography and I would stay after sometimes and help her develop some of her pictures. I always thought that was fun and I actually had plans in my head of creating a little dark room in my bedroom or some other area in the basement so I could develop my stuff "when I came home from college". Then I tried getting into photography classes in college, but they were always all filled up. :-( guess that wasn't meant to be, but now it is. :-) I don't know if I have ever told anyone that -my plans for a dark room and my desire to take classes in that when I went to college. Huh. Well, it's true. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

WHICH REMINDS me...I spent the weekend catching up on housework and office work and watched 4 movies. The Proposal (which I liked...cuz Ryan Renyolds is yummy anytime and Sandra Bullock is super pretty and I want her hair), 4 Christmases which was very funny...funnier than I thought it would be, The Ugly Truth which was surprisingly VERY good and Catherine Heigel didn't bug me too much and wow, never realized Gerard Butler would be good in a role like that-but he was and I very much enjoyed the entire movie, and finally, GI Joe, which I was pleasantly surprised at because I actually liked it. When I was a kid, in junior high-high school, I watched the GI Joe cartoons after school mainly because my brothers just HAD to. Well, secretly, I LOVED them too. Loved them. It was interesting to me as I was watching this movie that I completely remember all of the characters from the cartoon...but where was Lady Jay?? She was my favorite cuz I wanted to be just like her. Scarlet was too pretty for me, but Lady J was pretty but more kick ass in my mind-she was more of a leader than Scarlet and I liked that kind of role better.

But anyway...that's what's on my mind today. There's lots of stuff swimming around in there, but this is the stuff I wanted to skim off the surface.

So, thanks for reading, thanks for checking out my blog. I appreciate it and appreciate your passive listening to my thoughts. :-)

Man....I Can't Keep Quiet About This One...

I have an opinion (SHOCK, HUH??). An opinion about the Duggar kid that was just born. I have no opinion on that kid nor the family specifically but this is my opinion: 19 kids is irresponsible. I'm surprised that woman's uterus hasn't prolapsed. Regardless, filling the world with people just because you can or because it's your religious beliefs is irresponsible to me. There are plenty of kids who need homes and need loving families. Making a small town of people is maniacal and irresponsible. If they have such strong values and live by such great morals and faith, then they should be using that to provide a home to kids who are already HERE on Earth and NEED it. Not making more people. PLUS....I also have issues with the publicity and tv time this family gets. I really feel caution about that -how many other people are going to get this into their heads and make lots of people without realizing the ramifications of having that many kids?

Yes, God will take care of them and provide for them. It's called charity, it's called welfare, and it's called you and me. I really don't have a problem with that in itself. I have a problem when people act irresponsibly in the name of God. I can't IMAGINE how a couple who cannot have children and who have been trying and praying for YEARS for a child feels when they see things like this. It's gluttony actually. Yes, she had two sets of twins, right?? well, that's only 4 kids....that means she had 15 others single-ly. WOW. Gluttony.

I hope that their 19th will be ok. Babies born that early have a very slim chance of NOT having some sort of disabling challenge later on in life. In fact, there are some in the special education (and medical) field who feel that the reason we've got such an increase of medically fragile kids, kids with strange diseases, and some even think spectrum disorders, is because of all the kids we are letting be born premature. I think that's ok- if a kid's got to be born premature, they have to be, no question. But it creates a trickle down effect and people need to start understanding that when special education funding issues come up...and then their school district has to use general ed funds after the sped ones have been used up to take care of these kids...and then their school asks for tax levies to cover that cost...it trickles, people.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. One person having 19 kids affects us all in some way. Please, though, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful these people/children are here on the Earth-perhaps one or more of them will make an important contribution in some way (I believe everyone has the potential and ability to contribute in an important way if they are willing). But to bring that many people into the world when there are thousands who need loving homes -or homes at all- is a sort of gluttony that makes me sad.

It's like what our parents told us when they told us to clean our plate: "children in China are starving". Well, I always thought, if they are starving, then why am I expected to eat all this? Why shouldn't I be allowed to NOT eat all this so that there is more to go around for those starving kids in China? That guilt trip backfired.

Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just be more conservative; like if I could just follow things blindly, be more simple, and not have the perspectives I do. It would make hearing about stuff like this easier...I could be more socially acceptable in my comments and beliefs and it would cause me less distress in my head and heart because I can't agree nor support that perspective in my life. I grew up feeling a lot of shame -for many different reasons and it trapped me as an adolescent/young adult. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I've come through that by being true to my own thoughts and standing up for what I think and believe. So I'll apologetically say, I think the Duggars are gluttons and they are irresponsibly contributing to population pollution and taxing our already heavily burdened resources -natural and man-made. There are SOOOO many kids who need to be cared for. Quit being selfish and making more people. Take care of the ones who are already here. Start seeing THEM and start caring about THEM.

And really...just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Ohhhhh geez....Here She Goes, Preaching Again....

There have been a number of things on my mind in the past couple days since my last post. Let's see if I can remember them.

I'm becoming increasingly impatient listening to the drivel surrounding the "outrage" some people have over the switch of "Holiday" and "Christmas" for things like trees, parties, programs, etc. It does not bother me. I'm secure in what Christmas means to me and in that security, I also know and believe that it's not my place to condemn and bitch. It's a word, people. AND, by the way, the "Christmas tree" is actually quite pagan. It was FIRST a pagan practice for Winter Solstice in many cultures (Egypt, Rome, Druids/Celts) and that practice evolved into a "Christmas Tree". So many of our traditions were pagan to begin with and someone of "the cloth" or something thought, "oh dear, this cannot be, we must think of a way to turn this into Christianity!!!" And so the Christmas Tree was born -given meaning in the Christian faith, as were many of the Celtic symbols (such as the trinity knot or "triquetra" and the Celtic "solar cross" became the "Celtic Christian cross" after Christianity "came to" those areas). I could go on and on. But the main idea of this thought is: You are forgetting the reason for the season if you have a hissy fit over Holiday/Christmas interchanges. The only way "Christ" is taken out of Christmas (or the Holidays) is if YOU start to act unlike Christ. If YOU condemn your neighbor for their transgressions rather than work to live in harmony as a positive contributor to the human race. That goes far beyond religious dogma, it is a universal respect and care you give your neighbor. This petty preoccupation with semantics is silly; rise above that and be smarter about things. It's like people who think Christmas is too commercialized. Yep, I agree, it is. But I also feel that the Christmas spirit is merely the spirit of goodwill and unity with your fellow man/woman that all people should be showing the entire year round. No one can take the Christmas spirit away from you nor can anyone give it to you; you are the one who has to do that "inside" work yourself and decide to act in a way that benefits your fellow human beings on this planet. When others benefit, you do as well. And I'm not a socialist, but loving and respecting one another is not capitalistic nor does it have to do with any form of government. It is a basic way to behave.

And for crying out loud....when you say "xmas" over "Christmas" that is NOT a deletion of Christ. "X" is the greek symbol for the first letter of Christ (chi) and the Romans have been using such symbolism to abbreviate Christ for a very long time. In fact, "XP" is a Greek abbreviation for Christ. Go to church, especially a Catholic church and look around for that -most likely it will look like a big P with an X in the stem of the P (and MOST likely, it's on the priest's clothes and many of the Eucharist linens). Does that mean that the Church intends to "delete" Christ by using such symbolics?? See....be smart. Know you stuff, research, QUESTION, meditate on it, and decide for yourself. Don't believe something just because someone says you should. (so I hope you look this up for yourself after reading this!!)

Here's another thought. I went to Mass last Tuesday. It was the feast of the Immaculate Conception -a "Mary" holiday, if you will. I like Mary, she was cool and she was a great mother-she knew her son had a purpose and she let him fulfill it, even if she didn't like it or thought it was awful and stupid. She let him live his life as he saw he needed to do it but was absolutely supportive to him the entire way. That's the kind of mother I'd aspire to be, I'd like to think. I'm sure she guided him well with appropriate discipline and all that, but she let him be who he needed to be. So for that, I think she's cool and enjoy going to masses dedicated to her. The homily of the priest was intriguing. He spoke about faith and it was profound for me at that moment in time. Faith, he said, is based in questioning. It is based in a constant searching and a constant re-evaluation of what one believes. It is not taking things as "they are" or as someone says they are (or as religious doctrines & traditions dictate), it is taking in some information, meditating on it, praying about it, and questioning how it fits into your life -if it does. Faith ebbs and flows and requires a person to not be blind. He was very clear in saying that faith is NOT blind. If one has true faith it is because they've questioned, searched, and they know that it's ok not to "know" or know not to follow something blindly. Otherwise, one is going through the motions and chances are, how they live their life does not match what they profess to have "faith" in because they are merely following either tradition or what they are "supposed to be" following. WOW. Talk about refreshing for a Catholic homily!! I've thought this way for YEARS. -and it's another topic I could go on and on about: hypocrisy related to lifestyle and piety.

Ok...I'll stop my preaching!!! Yesterday I watched a biography special on John Candy. That was very sad. He was an awesome person who was gone far too soon. I've enjoyed his movies over the years: Spaceballs is one of my favorite movies of all times, Uncle Buck makes me laugh, SCTV was great because of him (we used to watch that when we were kids!), Nothing But Trouble...I could have done without-but he was ok in that-it was just an AWFUL movie!!, Cool Runnings made me believe ANYONE could be a bobsledder with him as a coach, and he breaks my heart -but gives me hope- in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. He was a good person through and through. I would liked to have known him I think.

Today I woke up at about 4am and just couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got out of bed around 4:45, made coffee, and started my day. I've watched the news this morning, did some office work I had to catch up on from being in St. Paul this week, and caught up on some emails. I've got a pretty big list of things to get done today yet -laundry, more office work, etc.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves. They are just opinions and opinions can change -that's the beauty of life, I think. We can think whatever we want and I'm grateful to live in a country where I can say this stuff in a public forum without fear of death, imprisonment, or mistreatment/torture. I also hope that some of my opinions make people reconsider their own opinions, if only to make them more steadfast in their own beliefs by re-examining those beliefs. I wish people thought for themselves more and had courage to live their purpose in life -I don't think people can even know their purpose until they think for themselves...otherwise that's someone else telling you what you're good for. No one can do that except yourself. :-)

So be good to yourself, be true to yourself, and know yourself so that you can be good, true, and wonderful to others. It'll make a difference in the world -or at least someone's world.

I Feel Like A Freezie...Rootbeer Flavor, Of Course.

I am freezing. I've been cold for about a week, but this week, I have NOT been able to get warm. I am even sleeping with a long sleeve thermal Henley and long flannel pants with an extra blanket. It's not that cold in my house, the temp says it's like 70 degrees, but I'm FREEZING COLD. That is sooooo not like me. I usually sleep with as little clothes as I can possibly get away with or feel restful in because I'm usually super hot all the time. At home I wear sweatshirts constantly and usually I would wear a tshirt -or if I DID wear a sweatshirt, I was hot-ish. Now I'm still COLD. I need to buy some very warm sweaters. And more sweatshirts. I talked about that dilemma already in a previous post. I'm serious people, I.Am.Cold.

I've been told it's because I've lost tons of weight -80 to 85 pounds to be exact (depends on the day and if I've kept up with my exercise...hehe...which I haven't lately!!) and have less "insulation". Well, I think there is some merit in that. Never thought there would be. In fact last spring when the dietitian told me that I would probably get cold very easily and stay that way longer (i.e. it would be harder to warm up -or take more layers to keep me warm), I was like Pssshhhhheeeeaaaaaahhhhhh, right, whatever! I'm hot all the damned time and I'll NEVER be cold -my blood runs fricken hot. I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong. Because now I'm freezing all the time.

I was at a workshop/training today on special education finance (which was actually very fun/interesting and kept my workshop-specific-ADHD interest) and the entire time I was FREEZING. No one else was!!! I couldn't believe it!! I was drinking hot tea all day to keep warm and almost put my coat on. Oh well!!

Again, another hazard of losing weight you don't really think about. New wardrobe=expense and less body fat=COLD. Maybe if I start to build more muscle I'll get warmer...maybe. That's a nice theory to think about right now. That and Arizona or the Mediterranean or South America or ANYWHERE south.

Anyway, I'm in St. Paul for a couple days for a couple meetings. A MASE one today and a Director's Forum tomorrow at the department of ed. I've got my hotel room set to 75 degrees and it is not getting any warmer in here. Man....I wish I brought my long sleeve sleep shirt with me, but I forgot it. I'm gonna FREEZE all night. yuck.

I have nothing profound to say today because my brain is frozen. I can't even type because my fingers are freezing. Not really, but they are awfully cold.

Now....don't get me wrong. I LOVE snow. There is NOTHING better than the first really good snowfall of the year -you know, the first really measurable one -when you can't see the grass anymore and the trees look like you've plopped white frosting on them -especially the evergreen ones and sidewalks are paths excavated with straight sides. Absolutely awesome. But the cold can go away. Far, far away. Leave the snow, take the cold. I don't want that. In fact....I like snow...for a while, but then I get VERY sick of it. But for a while, it is completely wonderful. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's serene, it's magical. Even snowstorms and blizzards. There's just something about them that really just gets to me, you know? In a very good way. I actually really like snowstorms and blizzards -especially the first ones of the year. I think there's a sort of magic or something in them and it makes me smile and feel cozy. But after that....enough is enough, so around the end of January, I've usually had enough. Sometimes the middle of January, but we've had a late winter this year, so I think that I'll be ok until about February. Then it's got to go and spring needs to come.

And this damned cold weather needs to go right now. I'm freezing.

Here or There? And then Gone.

I heard some sad news today. A teacher I used to work with at Norman County East whose husband I sorta worked with at Fertile Beltrami passed away last night. I hadn't talked to this woman in many, many years, but it was one of those things where you heard news of someone who passed away who you used to know and saw/interacted with on a daily basis and that's how they remained in your mind...and then you learn they are gone. It's a strange feeling and an even stranger thought.

This lady was very passionate about English and actually taught me a few things about different works of literature. I used to secretly love having students in her class so I could be involved in her class and go through Romeo and Juliet, Les Miserables, and countless other classics. In fact, I became a fan of Les Miserables in her class and discovered the fact that Romeo is a big ass crybaby who probably deserved to die, while sitting through her classes with my students and fighting with them to get her work done. I got to get to know a different side of my students through her classes and her field trips as well. While she was a very good English teacher, she struggled with special education and I was able to learn a lot about myself and strengthen my purpose in life in response to her attitudes towards my students. For all of those things, I am glad I knew her and am glad she was in this world. It was kind of weird too, because a friend and I were just talking yesterday about her propensity for concentrating on the fact a student wasn't doing their homework than the fact that maybe they are experiencing some kind of crisis in their life and probably COULDN'T do the homework. I hadn't talked about her in years.

It makes me sad when people pass away during this time of the year. I'm not sure if it's sadder because of the holidays, but I think that's true...even if you don't ever think of a person for a very long time and then find out they've died, it's somehow sadder during the holidays. I continuously dread the time I will get the phone call letting me know one of my loved ones passed away. Recently I sent a text message to a friend expressing my sorrow at one of his like-a-family members passing away...he immediately called me and I found out I was the first one to tell him. That was sad. He already was carrying plenty of sorrow of his own for many different reasons and that kind of left me a little bruised and battered myself. Sometimes it seems like we are bombarded by stuff all at once -good and bad things, all at once- and I found I don't like being the person to deliver that news to anyone -especially good friends.

So in my hectic day today when I was literally running all over the county to meeting after meeting, I intercepted an email about an ex-coworker passing away. I was sad...saddest for her husband because he is a stellar person and my heart goes out to him, but I also had happy memories and all I felt mostly was an incredible gratefulness to have known her.

Purpose

A couple entries ago I blogged about my purpose in life, via song. Since then I've been keeping my eyes and ears open in the community of Grand Rapids to look and listen for opportunities to do some volunteering along my purpose, values, and beliefs. I think I may have found it, or at least a conduit towards a meaningful experience. In addition, it will give me an opportunity to get out and about, meet different people in the community and hopefully find my "niche" here. The only way I'll be happy and content with this job (and my life, actually) is if I can become part of the community and invest my time and talent here in other areas than just work. I could begin this search through the church in town, which is a fine congregation and one I feel fairly comfortable with, but that focus and beginning is not for me. I need to focus and begin in the civic and social area rather than religious area. I find work in the public sector outside of the "protective walls" of tradition and "rules" of a church to be much more spiritually relevant and rewarding. I believe spirituality encompasses much more than just "religion" and true spiritual development and maturity is intensely personal and cannot be "prescribed" by dogma...unless through one's journey they find that that is what works for them. I'm not sure that works for me. The times I feel closest to God and most "spiritual" is when I'm helping others and making a difference -especially out in the "scary, real world" of the public sector. I haven't been able to reconcile that within a specific religion yet, especially Catholicism because everytime I do, I encounter intolerance for a group of people and in good conscience I can't be a part of an organization of faith that encourages "do-gooding" but turns around and condemns those helped. That's pity and that's piety and I don't believe that's what Jesus intended through his work on Earth. I know that is not what others would choose me to believe or choose for me to choose...but I can only do what is right for me -to be true to myself and be genuine, even if it causes me to be an outsider with my family and friends and feel more alone. That doesn't mean I can't change my mind in the future, but it's what I need now. I know Jesus/God is ok with that, and that's enough for me -it's a difficult choice, but well, it is what it is. On a humorous, almost sardonic but still truthful spin, you could say my theme song in that area of my life right now is the song "Me and Jesus" by Tom T. Hall.

Today is the second Sunday of Advent. Advent is a time of renewal, of anticipation, of a waiting watchfulness, of preparation. So this advent, my time of anticipation and preparation is developing my purpose into the community and sharing my talents and life with others. I've got a lot to give -and really, isn't life about what you give rather than what you get?? Isn't that the spirit of Christmas? Isn't that the cornerstone of most religions? Isn't that the reasons for volunteering -"giving back"?? Isn't that what holds relationships together??? I honestly believe that the more you give, the more you get, though it may take a very, very, very long time to "get". It can be hard, it can be lonely, and it can be exhausting -and it may seem like you never "get"...I identify with that very much. But there's honor in the giving, in the courage to do so and being honorable means being genuine, being truthful, being real, being kind, and being true -doing the hard thing because you know deep down it is the right thing.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Albert Einstein: "Never do anything against conscience, even if the state demands it". God may strike me down, right here, right now, but "state" in that quote is interchangeable with "church" in my mind. It's actually interchangeable with anything -work, family, friend, etc...anyone with the position to have any kind of power over you. We've got a conscience, we've got the ability to reason, to learn and decide for a reason. Use it, be courageous, be true to yourself. Give back to your community.

The Hazards of Losing Weight

I need more clothes. Sweatshirts, as a matter of fact. I used to have a TON. I LOVE sweatshirts. There is nothing better than having a free weekend with nothing to do but putz around the house or just hang out with jeans and a sweatshirt. I have one sweatshirt that actually fits me. ONE. I have two zipper hoodies, but no pullover hoodies or "regular" sweatshirts besides one regular sweatshirt that fits. That makes me sad. More sad because the ones I have that I love are my favorites and it's sad they don't fit anymore. :-( So if you feel inclined to buy me a Christmas present, I could really use some sweatshirts (regular, hoodies, etc) in a size large. That would make me happy.

With that, I'm between sizes again. Not quite "filling out" a 14 and not quite feeling comfortable in a 12. Ugh. I have really enjoyed this weight loss journey though. I've learned so much about myself and have grown like you wouldn't believe, but I really never anticipated the frustration of clothes. It's a double edged sword. My goal at the beginning of all of this last January was to feel good in what I was wearing. Well, that is completely subjective and I can see how people can get carried away with dieting and develop weight disorders because as I go down in sizes, it never ends. My "problem areas" never seem to disappear really and at each size milestone I graduate down to, that area is more apparent. Albeit, it is definitely much better than before- I can say that with utmost certainty, but still...it is an ongoing battle that is more of a headgame than a physical game really.

This past fall I've really slowed myself down on the weight loss and have been rather stable since August. While most of that has been deliberate, there was a month or two within that where I gained a bit. I've since lost that and feel "back on track", but I've needed time to adjust to myself. I'm smaller than I have been since....geez....I'm not sure, maybe college?? I seriously cannot remember what size I was when I started college or when I graduated from high school. All I remember was that in 9th grade I was a size 9 -a "juniors" 9. I actually don't have too much angst to get back down to that ... I'm not so much shooting for "size" as my gauge of personal contentment. I'm more so looking for how I feel physically -do I feel healthy? Do I feel strong? Do I feel like I am fitting my clothes well? Am I a size where I can find clothes that fit well almost everywhere I go? I think that's a big part of it. When you are a bigger person, it is difficult to find clothes that actually fit you. It's getting much easier now because the market is finally recognizing that there are more fat people needing clothes and ready to spend money than skinny people, but still, I'd like for myself to be a "healthy" size.

I think there's value in that because a healthy size means a healthy life style and a healthy life style means a better quality of life. That's what I'm shooting for. I don't want to be on diabetic meds before I'm 65-70years old, I don't want to be on cholesterol drugs until then too. I don't want to be on any kind of medication for any kind of syndrome/disease that is mostly preventative. Diabetes runs rampant in my family, so for as long as I can stave that off, the better I will be the the better quality of life I will have in the long run. Also, I'll spend far less money too. Healthcare is expensive and I have absolutely no confidence that medicare or social security or any of those social welfare things that the older generations of yesterday and today enjoy will be available to me when I get that age. So, prevention is the intervention.

So I Got My Head Examined....

Well, I am deformed. Yep. Got my xrays back. I have absolutely NO curvature in my neck!! A normal neck would have a slight bend/curve toward the back of the head. Mine does not; it's straight. It's no WONDER I've been having problems. Luckily, the rest of the xrays of my head, neck, and chest showed a healthy me -no weird masses anywhere and no other abnormalities. The top vertebrae right where my shoulders start/neck ends is all askew as well...and that explains why my shoulders are always super tight. It was weird looking at the xrays and then comparing them to "normal" ones...I completely saw what was wrong and the parts that were different were the EXACT spots I feel the tightness/pain radiating from. Wooo hooo!! Luckily as well, the bones are in great shape, the discs are as well and there is absolutely no signs of arthritis. Now, if he saw an xray of my ankle, he'd see some arthritis! haha. I have no idea what's caused this...could be a combo of many, many things and he suspects it's been a problem for some time that has just never been caught "on film", just adjusted here and there and treated in other ways. Also, he confirmed what I had been suspecting all along: my tmj/jaw problems I've been treated for by my dentist has a direct relationship with my neck/shoulder problems. In fact, the "straightness" of my neck exacerbates the jaw joint stuff and vice versa. I am a mess. :-)

So he gave me some treatment options and I consented to the most aggressive one: 1/2hr to 1 hr deep tissue massage, then a 5mn ultrasound on the neck/shoulder area, then adjustments in the three spots 3x a week for about 4 weeks with a gradual tapering down of appointments along with adding strengthening exercises later on for that area. He gave me one simple exercise to do, which is simply to pull my chin into my neck for a bit. HOLY COW -that stretches the hell out of my jaw muscles, temple/head muscles, side neck muscles, back neck muscles, mid-back muscles, and even the muscles near my collar bone. Wow. So, I'm looking forward to feeling better and not battling this constant headache/neckache/backache all the time. I'm very glad I chose this chiropractor. He's young (well, my age -but hey, I'm young!!!), arrogant (oops, I mean confident!!!), and completely believes in the incorporation of massage with chiropractic care. That works for me.

I'm very much looking forward to a quiet evening at home tonight and a quiet, slow weekend. My week next week is packed full. I have a full day of meetings all over the cooperative on Monday, on Tuesday I have the same, and Wednesday a training all day long with a state specialist in learning disabilities. Bleh. I have to fit in chiropractor and massage appointments in those three days plus drive down to St. Paul for a new leaders training at MASE (see previous posts) on Thursday and then on Friday a director's forum at the department (MDE) in St. Paul as well. Yuck. An entire week out of the office essentially. That usually means an entire week of catchup not to mention a couple weekends of catchup as well. Oh well. There ain't no rest for the wicked!!!!

Just a Regular Thursday

Today I had one of my "Interagency Real Tear-jerker" meetings -or, formally, interagency review team (IRT) meeting where the school, children's mental health, public health, the county, and the regional early childhood coordinator get together and review the kids in early childhood special education. I hate these meetings. Absolutely HATE them because these kids and babies have sooooo much stacked against them and some of their family dynamics are atrocious. Sad. I have two more of these meetings this month and then five more of them this spring. Yikes. I absolutely hate these meetings, but am glad to be involved and able to make a difference. Very bittersweet. BUT...I'm honored to be in this position to be able to maybe catch a kid or a family that needs something so that the child grows up well-adjusted and feeling proud of themselves and who they are and who they could be. That part is worth it. But those meetings are soooo very hard.

On a brighter note, I went to get xrays on my neck today. I've been having big headaches and neck aches lately so I finally went to a chiropractor. Since I haven't had xrays in a very long time, he ordered some for me and I was ok with that. I'd really like to get to the bottom of this constant neck/shoulder/upper back pain and tightness I have. I know I hold my tension in that area, but there's got to be some way to treat it so that it doesn't continually bother me and affect my life because lately in the past four weeks I've been bothered quite a bit by it.

So tomorrow I go back to the chiropractor to see what the xrays say and figure out a treatment plan with the chiropractor. Good times! Also, I've decided that I need to get out of my house in the evenings and hang out downtown at the various coffee shops, keeping busy. I get too bored at home and need to get out and be around people. Tonight though I went for a short drive, got incredibly lost on a very windy, dark snowy road, but found my way back to town and settled in to watch Thursday night TV.

I am super glad tomorrow is Friday. It's been a long week and I'm pretty tapped out...I have nothing profound to say tonight. Just "regular" life stuff :-), but that's good too. In fact, that's great.

Three Insights to Me

I feel compelled to share with you, my blog readers, my purposes in life. I have two songs which define me. Actually, there are MANY, many more, but these two resonate so completely that I feel they were written by my subconscious or something. They are like my personal mission statements in life.

The first is from Garth Brooks. Now, if you know me, you know that I pretty much abhor country music. Pretty much. There are artists out there that I'll listen to a lot, Garth is one of them because I think he has an excellent voice. And I'm one of the minority who thinks his "Chris Gaines" project that bombed was awesome. But I digress. Here's the song. This is my professional purpose in life. I discovered this while working at Norman County East about 9 years ago, maybe even 10, when I was struggling in that community that treated my EBD kids as second class citizens and thought I was crazy for the work I did -for the dedication I had. This is why I'm dedicated and why I continue to be dedicated to this field I'm in:
"The Change"

One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

Now, that being said, there's another song which is a popular one and one that many people choose as inspirational. To me though, I also feel this was written by my subconscious, though I did not realize it until long after it had been popular. I heard it one day on the radio and I was finally in a spot in my life where I could really actually LISTEN to the lyrics. Every single thing in this song is true as well. This is the rest of me, by Whitney Houston:
"Greatest Love Of All"

I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

[Chorus]

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Now, my faithful blogger reader, these songs might seem trite to you, but to me, they aren't. So there, in two songs, is me. If you know me, you know that much of my life revolves around music -that's why I spend so much time driving and listening to the radio when I need time away to think. It's not just the lyrics either, it's the entire experience of the song -the melody, tone, texture of the different instruments, the arrangement, the vocal quality of the singer's voice (a BIG component, actually). It all creates colors and combined with lyrics, meshes everything into emotion and feeling. Weird, huh? Maybe not. I'm sure there are people out there who could "get" that. It's cool when I find them because I definitely don't talk about it much because most people think I'm weird, but at this point in my life, I don't really care. :-)

You know Maslow's hierarchy of needs? The last one is "self-actualization". I've gotten there -and so much so that I understand that self-actualization is realizing that that stage is not static -one moves fluidly between the levels depending on circumstance, but if one is truly self-actualized, they have the ability to get back to that level. I wish for everyone to get to that place. It takes work and it takes a lot of courage. It also takes a letting go of pre-conceived notions and old paradigms we've been taught to follow. It takes a thinking and a sorting out of things for our self and the courage to be able to break out on our own to advocate for ourselves.

Speaking of breaking out and away, here's another one...Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway". Someone knew me when I was younger and wrote this song about me. It's been relevant at about every major transition in my life so far:
"Breakaway"

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Ok, that's it. I completely used up an entire page I'm sure -and I feel sort of junior-high-ish for posting song lyrics...how weird huh? Oh well!! Thanks for reading. I really truly appreciate it. I have a lot to say and I wish more people would listen. :-)

Something is Rotten in Denmark...

I don't feel good about the next wave of troops being sent over to Afghanistan. I didn't feel good after 9/11 when that had seemed to "wrap up" so damned quickly and all of a sudden it turned into an Iraq war -before the primary "objective" of finding Bin Laden was accomplished. I am getting weary of war. What I'm getting the most weary of is seeing life go on as it will, but knowing there are people coming back from military service with PTSD, major medical problems/missing body parts, unidentifiable ailments, and in general just messed up from the experience.

On Veteran's Day, we "honor those who fight for our freedom". That's nice and all...but what I think is better is if instead of having a Veteran's Day parade or having the best high school trumpet player (or the nerdiest who has nothing else to do on that day, or who's mom makes him/her do it) play taps at a Memorial Day service, we start to acknowledge that these soldiers are not being taken care of when they come "home". They are sent off to fight or do whatever they are supposed to be doing over where ever they are sent to for whatever purpose, and when they come back, we call them heroes.

But do we make sure they have proper health care? Do we make sure that they are treated for their PTSD?? Do we make sure their children are ok and are handling the fact that even though mom or dad is back, they are different and things aren't the same anymore? I don't think so -not in general, and not for a majority of them. We call them heroes and leave it at that because apparently, heroes are superhuman and have no problems. Ever. That's very wrong -and in fact, if you really know anything about superheroes, you'll know that they are indeed very tortured individuals on the inside!!

Sure, this doesn't happen in every situation, but I've seen first hand more negative outcomes than positive outcomes from military service. I think, if we are a nation that prides itself on freedom and justice for all, on the humanistic treatment of others, then we need to start taking care of our own. We need to realize that we're hurting ourselves more by breaking apart families and destroying our own lives -our own hopes and dreams- than we would be by sticking our head in the sand. And let me repeat, this does not happen in every situation -there are plenty of men an women who are just fine and maybe even better...but if even one person who comes back damaged in some way is not cared for adequately, that's too many.

This makes me incredibly angry. Not too many things actually truly do, but this does. This, the mistreatment of children, bullying, and the neglect of people who have no voice -or I guess, in general, anyone who cannot speak out on their own, who doesn't have a voice for whatever reason- makes me mad.

I'm not sure what I will do about this. Probably just make my opinion known anytime I feel like it. I am not saying that the objectives for America's military actions are wrong because frankly, I don't know enough about it -and that's actually not what concerns me. But, I DO know that America's lack of care and respect for soem of those who carried through those actions is atrocious. That is what I care about. We need to take care of each other better. We need to recognize when we need to care. We need to stop being caught up in our own whirlwind of problems, look around, and see what someone else needs. Chances are, you'll be healed while you're helping another heal. That's the cool part of taking care of each other.