The Crazy That are Family...

You know? I've been thinking a lot. That is scary-really, it is. When I think, I decide stuff. When I decide stuff, I make resolutions. When I make resolutions, I change my mind. When I change my mind, people usually get pissed off with me cuz I usually become alittle (ok...a lot) outspoken about it. BUT, in the end, everything works out, I'm a better person and the world becomes a better place for everyone because I'm not polluting it with negativity. You poor, poor blog reader, though, who is at the mercy of my latest "think"...

So here's what I've been thinking. I am really, truly, honestly digging family get togethers lately. I want more. I want to crash OTHER peoples' family get togethers! I want to experience the crazy that happens when you get a bunch of people who are forced to like each other in one room together. It's absolutely amazing. Outrageously cool. Scintillating. Now THAT's one hell of a word, huh?? But it describes how I feel about this in my head right now. I'm an observer. I watch. I participate when it's personal, when it's important, but mostly, I take everything in. Usually, I take it all in and sort it out later, if even. Sometimes I don't ever analyze what I see, I just "see". And family dynamics to me right now are scintillating. In fact, that's all I can say about the topic because I haven't processed or judged enough in my head to have any words to say about them -specifically my own family get togethers this past weekend. I only know that I need to be a part of more get togethers. Participate more. Quit caring about anything but being "there" and doing what I wanna do and being involved.

You know, maybe this stems from the fact that I had such a good time with my family on Saturday. Ok, maybe the whiskey helped a little, but really, I did not have enough to make a difference under normal circumstances. My family -both sides actually- have their own craziness. My dad's side is legendary for putting out an "I am waaaayyy tooo important for you and this drivilly thing" air while shopping at WalMart and Fleet Farm and drinking box wine. My mom's side is legendary for being "weird, pastey city people" with very weird kids and weirder spouses. I actually like my mom's side better -they are nicer and easier to be around -you pretty much always know where you stand with them and they'll accept you no matter what. But, while I always pretty much knew this, I'm beginning to realize that I can really, really mess with my dad's side of the family and find hours of entertainment doing it. I cannot wait for the next get together. Who's getting married next??!! I've got enough cousins for God's sake -one of them has got to be getting married soon. Who needs the Holidays when you've got tons of cousins and weddings all the time?

So I've decided that I'm gonna embrace family get togethers. March to the beat of my own drum, not give a flying rat's ass about anything but enjoying myself and enjoying my family members. All the meanies and crabby ones can stay away from me -they won't want to be around me anyway because my awesomeness will cause them to implode or something. I'm done playing my family role (the "can't everyone just get along?!?" role), so I'm making my own. It's actually the role I've always played in my head...why I have not decided to execute it until now is completely beyond me. Maybe I needed a change of scenery or something, new perspectives. Maybe I needed to be reminded that my family is not all that bad and that I've come a very long way in my own self-actualization and all the hard-ass work I've done on myself on my own has been worth it. Finally reaping what I sow I guess. Karma maybe? The stars have aligned in such a way since August with a combination of people, places, changes, and memories to shake my head out of my 10 year slumber and start thinking. Maybe it hasn't been slumber. Maybe more of an incubation. The egg has been cracked.

Well, whatever it is, I've changed my mind. Too much thinking will do that to a girl. I love my crazy family. They piss me off like you would not believe. They hurt me like you would not believe. At times they treat me worse than you would believe. But they are who they are. I can't change them. I'd hate it if they tried changing me...and OHHHHH, they try, have tried...CONTINUE to try.

BUT: I can only change how I deal with them -and how I think about things. And I changed my mind. I'm going to deal with them with a light heart, with a healthy detachment that allows me to be me and lets me remain me and not get sucked into their craziness. I'd rather watch the crazy and maybe participate in the crazy once in a while...but I don't have to BE crazy too.

And that's gonna be the fun of it.

Gratefulness

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Wow. What a weekend this was -on so many levels!! It was the first holiday weekend in many, many years that I have been completely free of "personal/professional" development plans -either executed or planned. I'm just a regular girl now. I work, I play, I live. No more school. :-) Also, it was the first holiday in many, many years that I did not spend with any friends. At all. That was kinda sad to me. I have a very large family, but I only have a handful of very good friends and I usually spend time with some of them during holidays because they are as much family to me as my family is. Sometimes even more so because they are people I have chosen...or seem to have chosen, although the people I call my good friends feel like they have been pre-destined be in my life. I've got about 4 people like that and it's weird sometimes.

I actually hit both sides of my family this holiday as well and saw every single one of my brothers and sisters. Thursday I was at mom and dad's and saw Amelia and her boyfriend and Audrey. Albert, Jen and Grace showed up a little later then too. Friday I went up to Aurora and saw Andy, Amy and the kids and hung out there for a while. And then Saturday I went back to Perham and saw Anna and Ben who showed up to surprise mom and dad. I went over to Grandma Rottas and saw most of my aunts and uncles there and my Grandma. That was really nice. I am making chicken chili for Christmas dinner on January 2nd and volunteered to try my hand at making Beer Cheese Soup in honor of my uncle Paul who passed away last year...he always brought that and when no one jumped in to say they'd make it, I volunteered. A great challenge and something to occupy my time with during Christmas vacation. Then I went to the Doll family thanksgiving celebration at the St. Lawrence church hall near Rush Lake (rural Perham). It was very, very fun. I had fun with my cousins and my cousins-in-law and siblings. Aunts and uncles were ok as well. We had an ugly sweater contest. I decided to amp it up and wore my "eatin britches" -an old pair of bib overalls that my dad used to have long ago. They were pretty big & with my ugly sweater it was grotesque!! It was awesome -and I won the "girl" ugly sweater contest. Score!!! The food was good too. I brought a bottle of whiskey because I don't like box wine and I know at least some people would appreciate whiskey too, and I was not wrong. My uncle Tim ended up drinking over half the bottle...but I got in trouble about it. Apparently Grandpa got angry, found out it was ME who brought it and therefore, my fault. Retarded. But typical.

I wasn't going to go. I have a very difficult time sometimes with that family because I don't feel like I fit in or don't feel like I live up to what they think I should be. Lately, I've been doing A LOT of thinking, a lot of sorting out in my head, and a lot of taking inventory in my life. And you know what I've decided? I don't care. Here's what I care about: Making sure people are treated fairly. Making sure that people are treating OTHER people fairly. Making sure people are being kind to each other. Making sure people are treated kindly. That's it. I'll do whatever the hell I want to otherwise. I'll show up with a bottle of whiskey, huge paint-splattered bib overalls and a realllll ugly sweater, get a bit tipsy and be as loud as I want to playing Apples to Apples with my cousins. I won't stay for church (which I am GLAD about because I guess the priest is a hate-mongerer... OOOOOOOOO that would have PISSED me off) and I'll be unapologetic for being loud and standing up for people I feel are treated wrongly. I'll always and forever side with the underdog. Always. I'll defend and I'll make time with the "enemy" if I feel they are being treated unfairly. Because I know what it feels like to be left out, misunderstood, left alone, fend for myself, and not have a defender, only a prosecutor telling me how wrong and how bad I am. In some ways....I think it's my family's fault I'm like this.

And I'm grateful for that.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my life's journey. I'm grateful for my friends. ...for many different reasons -good reasons, twisted reasons, sweet reasons, positive reasons, tragic reasons, sad reasons, future-focused reasons. Reasons don't matter. The thankfulness does.

When I reflect on my life, I've come a long way. I've affected many people, mostly positively I hope. I've made some mistakes and I do have a few regrets about hurting some people and wish I could go back and fix that -but I've been able to let that go and accept it for what's meant to be. I feel like I've been so very privileged to be able to do the work I do -from classroom teacher to special ed administrator. It's my purpose. It gives me a positive outlet to advocate for those underdogs, to be outspoken for those who can't speak out, and in some ways, reconcile myself inside that had needed that kind of an advocate at different points of my life. So in some ways, this talent, this conviction that I have to help others is entirely selfish. This compassion that I am capable of, this insight I am able to access, this understanding I am able to be secure in is helpful to me and helps me be the person I am happy being.

So I don't care if that makes me seem defiant, outspoken, uncooperative, reckless, or "bad". I don't care if people don't like what I have to say sometimes. I'm the person I have to live with. At the end of the day I have to answer to myself. I have to be the first person that is ok with myself -so I have to live my life so that I am able to BE ok with myself. I can't be any good to any one else in any meaningful capacity ever if I'm not first and foremost good and strong with myself.

This weekend was good. I saw lots of family. I spoke with -or at least texted- all four of my good friends, even though one of them was tainted in loss and other icky stuff -it was still good and ok. I put up my Christmas tree -and I decided that only lights are going on it this year. No ornaments. For some reason, I don't have it in me to do more than lights on it this year. I love the Holidays, but if I'm not careful, they are very empty and depressing for me. However, the Thanksgiving holiday was a success because I remembered to be myself and do what I wanted to do.

I'm looking forward to December. November felt like it sucked a lot. I'm looking forward to finding my place more and getting more involved in life. I'm hoping there is life up here to get involved in...I'm not sure though. I'm kinda scared about that -what if I moved to another Ada, MN?? Great. Well, I've got until about February/March to figure that out and decide what next year is going to look like, so I'll give it a very good shot. :-)

In the meantime, I'm going to buy my camera and capture some things, find some parts of me in what I see around here everyday. I'm also going to go back to where I was for 10 years and capture parts of me that are there as well -when I was living there I wished so many times I had one to take pictures of stuff. I want to learn to ski. I want to do more stained glass projects. I want to get stronger and lose probably 30 more pounds -at least 10-15 this winter. I want to play more piano. I want to write more. I want to get some books on leadership read and studied. I want to meet more people and feel part of a community and part of a group.

I was dreading Thanksgiving -this entire weekend because of how much unstructured time I'd have. A lot of things had been bothering me in the month of November and I've been feeling a bit unsettled with several things up in the air and un-confronted. But inside of it all, with everything swirling around, settling, and changing like the fall-into-winter season change, things turned out ok. I found gratefulness...or, rather, perhaps it found me.

I want to learn how to ski -downhill ski. Not crazy zooming down the mountain skiing...that's pretty damned scary to me (but secretly exhilarating, don't you think?? Kinda like sky-diving...which is on my to-do list too). But just a nice downhill swish-swish-swish skiing adventure. That's my project this winter. Do stuff I always wanted to do. Like learn how to ski. Maybe I'll even take up curling. It is HUGE here and a VERY big deal...not sure if I want to get myself into that though because I'm not much of a competitor when it comes to sports and games. I definitely am when it comes to stuff like work, school, and knowing stuff...but since I never was good at sports and pretty much was always picked last, I really never had a desire to compete physically in anything. But anyway, yes, I'd like to learn how to ski.

Now...I need to find somewhere I can do that! :-)

Another Fantastic Tuesday

I feel quiet. You know, I haven't been busting my butt finishing my field study...not really because the majority of it was done last spring -THAT'S when I was going crazy along with a job search, closing my program at ASEC, trying to find a place to live, and then moving. THAT was hell. Complete and total and I don't remember an awful lot of that time period....from March until July, I really can't tell you much but blurry things.

So it's so weird to me that even though I haven't had to really work too hard on that thing this fall, I feel completely relaxed and quiet in my head now. So much so that I did absolutely nothing of value tonight and did not feel restless, guilty, or anxious about getting something done. I did two loads of laundry, tried to do some yoga, but holy crap, the episode I recorded today on FitTV was CRAZY HARD! Like balance your entire body on your elbows crazy hard. My god. So I laughed that off. Then I did some looking on line for stuff I've been meaning to do (camera research again, news sites of course, staff development stuff I've been meaning to look into for work, and of course, facebook). That took up a good chunk of time. Listened to my scanner a bit. Then I went out and played the piano again for about 45mn. I started to go through some of my Christmas decorating stuff too. In between all of that I ate a baked potato for supper. And now it's pretty late and I'm just not tired yet. Kinda wired because although I have to work tomorrow, I don't feel any pressure to do anything. It is SO weird and I absolutely love it.

So today was a quiet day. It was a very good day. I had a very fun day at work. My supervision/administrative style is being "present" -interacting with people in person and being visible. I think it's really important for me to be around in my districts (if they let me...I have one that is run by a very controlling superintendent and he prefers me to stay away...which is sad...I'd like to get to know his staff better) and talk to people. I HATE sitting in my office. Absolutely hate it. I need to at least 2 days a week to catch up on phone calls and emails, and do whatever office-ey/paperwork-ey work I need to get done, but for example, last week I was in the office every single day and hardly had any meetings or any visits planned. It was the longest week EVER. This week yesterday I was in Sartell, MN at a meeting and today I had meetings in a district at 7:45 and then I went to two other districts on my way back to my office to touch base with staff and the principals. It was a very good day because I problem solved with people, helped people figure stuff out, and spent some time just chatting with some people I had not been able to develop a relationship with yet. But most of all, today I was challenged. I love that. My brain was engaged today. The older I get, the more I need my brain engaged in stuff. -even outside of work. Actually, especially outside of work lately.

So Tuesdays proved to be my favorite again. Tomorrow is the last day of the work week because this week is Thanksgiving already. Thank God. But still, that means I have some decisions to make for next year soon. That can wait until after Christmas though -and the path will become clear after that time too, I'm pretty sure of that. Tomorrow is my Friday and I should really get to bed...it's almost midnight. I'm in this insomnia stage right now. Which is ironic and actually quite cumbersome because I've got early mornings all week this week. So weird. Well, it is what it is. Who knows. :-)

Have a great Thanksgiving if I don't post before then. Geez. What the heck am I going to do TOMORROW night!???! My possibilities are endless! :-) LOVELY!!!!

Carpe Diem

Have you ever thought you wouldn't miss something, but then, you found out you did? What a stupid question, huh? Doesn't quite make sense, does it? How about if you found out you missed something but you kept putting it off? Well, let me explain.

On Sunday, I was working on my "weekend list" (see Saturday's post). It was about noon and I decided I might like to go see a movie. I had been thinking in the back of my mind of going to a movie since last Wednesday. But, that never happened and before I knew it I had exhausted myself of all the news sites online and it was about 1:30. All of a sudden, I thought to myself, geez, I sure want to play the piano right now. and lo-and-behold, I have a piano literally in my own backyard I can play whenever I want. So I got out my piano books and looked through them to find some of my favorite songbooks.

Needless to say, I did not find ANY. I found a whole bunch of sheet music and old pop music books, but no books or sheet music of any music of any SUBSTANCE that I was feeling like playing that afternoon. I wanted Fur Elise. I wanted Moonlight Sonata. I wanted Variations on Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I wanted a Mozart Sonata or Minuet. I found nothing in my collection. I USED to have ALL of these. Where did they go???? I'll have to check at my mom and dad's. Maybe Audrey still has them.

However, my landlord has MILLIONS of books in her piano studio. Ok, not millions, but a lot. So, I found a Beethoven book and found two of my all time favorite things to play when I feel quiet and sort of depressed. Fur Elise and Moonlight Sonata. For close to 2 hours I played and it was heaven. I had never played Moonlight all the way through...but this was great. It was the right arrangement for me and the right mood to keep me plugging away. It was glorious. I loved it. Now all I want to do is come home and play the piano over and over. I had not played these kinds of songs for YEARS. Absolutely YEARS. I was amazed at how it all came back to me. I did rather well sight-reading Moonlight if I do say so myself!!

To me, sometimes playing is soooo cathartic. I am not good at it and I probably choose to play things that are easier than my potential, but I don't care. I do it because I enjoy the energy that flows out of me with the music. It's spectacular. I'd like to buy a piano. A real one. Not an electronic keyboard. I want a REAL piano. One I have to get tuned by a funny looking weird old guy. One that cats ker-plunk & ka-plink on when I leave the cover up off the keys. One that I can put stuff on the top of. Like a plant. Pictures. Metronome. Candles. Stacks and stacks of music books. Anything I want. I want that.

Now that I'm done with my degrees for a while and I'm getting better acclimated at work, I've got time on my hands. I want to get back into playing. I have really, really missed that -the sounds, the feel of the keys, the mesh or mute of sound with the pedals, the wrong keys protesting, the pages of music trying to turn themselves too soon, the ache in the hands/fingers from reaching and stretching to cover the keyboard (well, maybe that just happens to me with my short bony hands/fingers). Most of all, I miss getting lost in the act of playing. Maybe I'll ask Holly, my land lady to show me around her studio and point me in the direction of other things I might like to play. Then maybe I'll write some of my own music. I used to do that when I was younger. I had a whole music book full of little songs and stuff that I wrote. I have no idea what happened to that book. I'd like to find it!! I have a feeling it might have went into the wood stove at one time or simply lost/thrown away. That would be sad. I was a creative kid. Until life happened and adult-hood intruded. Although I was a busy, uber-responsible kid, I was creative and I wrote music and stories as a hobby. Too bad most of those have been lost, thrown away, or destroyed.

But the moral of the story here today kids: if you feel like being creative, and need a creative outlet...don't stop. Don't push it down. Don't wait until tomorrow. Do it now. Seize the day.

Lovely Saturday!

Today has been a very nice day. I did not have to go anywhere this weekend, nor was I expecting any visitors. I also did not have a certain field study hanging over my head in the back of my mind, making me feel in constant limbo. It was a great day. So THIS is what life must feel like after that!! :-)

I got up around 9am -I could have slept longer too because I was VERY tired. It's been a very long and stressful month -well, let's say it's just been a long and stressful school year so far, not just this month. I started a load of clothes, made some coffee, said good morning to Facebook, email, and browsed the news sites. Then I went downtown to the stained glass shop to patina my project. That was finished, and I got home by noon. Direct TV came and replaced my receiver because the other one was being incredibly stupid, and I washed all of the rugs in the house, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the entire place, cleared the last of the leaves off the front deck, cleaned out my flower box in the front, and brought in my Christmas stuff.

Then I took a load off and watched some Pop Up Video on Vh1 Classic. Good thing I did, too, because I found out the year of the Challenger shuttle explosion: January 28, 1986. I think I was in SEVENTH grade! Holy cow!! I thought I was much, much older. Wow.

Anyway...I have a lot more things to do tonight and tomorrow. I have to scrub my kitchen floor & put the rugs back down, I have to go through my Christmas stuff, and put my field study materials (books, research, etc) away yet tonight. Tomorrow then I have to dust and I have a bunch of stuff to prep for before work on Monday. But so far, it's been a very nice weekend. I like this.

.....Exhale....it's over.

I'm done with my Education Specialist degree. Yup. Finished. My field study is approved, good to go, yadda, yadda, yadda. The very last step is this: Print off the thing and get 4 copies made onto 25% bond paper (or higher) and then bring it to the library at MSUM to be sent away to be bound. Oh yeah, I forgot, and pay big money for all of this too. $100 for binding and who knows how much for copies. I've got about 90 pages to copy four times onto "special" paper. Yuck.

At any rate, I'm finished. It's a very weird feeling and I don't know now what to do with myself. I can throw a LOT of stuff away...I can put most of my books back on my shelf. I can quit carrying around my jump drive. I can quit bookmarking RtI sites "just in case". Wow. How am I going to live now, after this????

Huh. I dunno. I suppose clarity will come later. Hard to believe I'm here. GLAD I'm here, don't get me wrong...but this grad school thing has been pretty much a part of my life for so long. I was text-convo-ing (that's what I call having a conversation with someone via text messaging) yesterday about it. I started my masters program in 01. Well, actually, spring 02. That took me until December 04. Then I took a little time off and restarted in spring 07, pursuing the education specialist degree. I completed requirements for Director of Special Education license and K-12 Principal license summer of 08 and then did my field study all of 08/09. I defended the fieldstudy summer of 09 and after dinking around with revisions and some miscommunications with my advisor, I'm able to graduate now, December 09. For all intents and purposes, I've been done with the "meat" of the study since May 09. I've only had to do simple, micky-mouse revisions since then and I'm VERY, extremely irritated about the whole ordeal. BUT, whatever. It doesn't matter in life whether I graduated summer of 09 with this degree or now. It only matters that it is done. But I went off topic.

So yeah, I was text-convo-ing about the fact that pretty much since January 2002 I've been going to graduate school. There were 2 years in the middle of that where I wasn't, but those two years were full of working at the ASEC developing programming and being involved in whatever administration would let me -plus being depressed and putting off the inevitable which was the specialist degree. About five years of graduate school, seven years of in that "mode".

Let me tell you a secret. I was scared out of my ever living mind to start my masters program. I literally had to force myself to go to class during that entire two and a half years. It got much better as my program had gone on, but it was not easy for me. The cerebral stuff and the work for the most part, that was easy. But the going, the participating, the socializing, the involving...that was hard. Through my masters program I built confidence. I found myself and who I was. I was able to tap into my potential. It was difficult for me to be done with that program...but I wasn't yet ready to move on to the specialist degree and subsequent licensure. I still needed to develop more. So I did.

Then, the specialist degree was easier. Nothing was very difficult. Well, content wise, it wasn't really -work wise, it was a heavy load. Very busy, very heavy on the writing, reading, and research. VERY extremely time consuming. I grew. I found one of my favorite quotes which I have in my signature line in my personal email: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." That's by Eleanor Roosevelt. That quote spoke to me like crazy because I know it's true, I saw it happen in my own life. You cannot grow, you cannot gain a thing unless you are willing to do what is hard, what you think you can't possibly do. I've done that. I've come from that place. I know.

This year, I feel somewhat in that place at times. There are times I am so lost in this job that I wonder what the heck I was ever thinking. Then there are moments where I have such clarity it's like I'm in a different dimension and the world looks different and stuff just comes spewing out of my brain. I've been having moments of clarity like that lately. I've been trying hard to recognize when my gut feelings are telling me things -when to listen closely to the voice in my head/heart that is telling me the "right" answer. -because I really think I have that in me. Call it whatever you want, I will not define it nor label it but to say that I've been listening lately. And it's working. I'm thinking that if I can continue to stop and look fear in the face, I can continue to gain clarity and continue to do what my fear says I can't do. I overcame that demon by December 2004. I've strengthened my response since then.

I'm glad to be finished with the specialist degree. I'm very proud of the fact that I have an educational specialist degree. There are many people who have 38 or more graduate credits over a masters or who just went long enough to get their licenses in administration, but I buttoned them up in a degree. I finished it, I followed through and took the hard road and did my field study -as uncomfortable as that process was at times, I did it. So I'm proud of that.

I'm also in a state of mourning. I'm sort of grieving right now. A part of me feels like I've lost some kind of security. It was comforting knowing I had that program to work on. Now what will I do? What is my purpose now? Work? Yuck. I want more than that out of life. I surely do NOT want to pursue a doctorate or another degree for some time yet. I do very much need a break from academia. So...I'll be searching for something new to occupy my time.

But in the meantime, I'll know that I've accomplished this. I did it on my own. Though I had the support of friends and sometimes family, I did it on my own. Paid for everything on my own, managed everything on my own....every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears have been on my own. I recognize it as valuable and a worthwhile venture in my life, even if others don't. That's all that matters.

So...on to the next adventure...whatever that might be!

Putt, putt, putt, PUTTY!!

Last night/early this morning, I DID go outside and watch stars. Yes indeedy! It was great but VERRRRRRRRY cold. Perhaps I'll go out again in a little bit and see if there are any stragglers out there shooting down. I saw some very nice sky burners, so to me, that made getting up at 3:30am to freeze my tush off worth it. What I SHOULD have done is just slept until about 4:30 and THEN got up for the day, park my butt outside for a while, or until I could stand it, and then take a LONG HOT shower. Yep. Note to self: self (that's what I call myself sometimes), remember this day in history please.

Today after work I putty-ed my stained glass project. Wow...what a mess. I hope I did everything right. I can still smell linseed oil all over the place. Yuck. I have to make sure all of the putty is cleaned up around the lead and the frame, not on the glass yet, but I'm waiting for it to set up a little bit first. Then I'll finish that step. The very last thing to do will be to patina it. I'm going with a black patina. It will look very very nice. I'm so excited to be finished with that and hang it up somewhere!

Speaking of being finished with things...I am finished with my specialist field study. FINALLY after all the confusion and all the waiting around for advisors to get back to me and yadda yadda yadda, I'm done. I finished my final revisions this weekend and contacted the dean of the department and asked him what he thought. He said that as far as he was concerned, I'm finished. That's all I needed to hear! Shazam! I'm done. Well...I'm still waiting for confirmation on that. I'll believe it when I see it. I had all of my paperwork done -all of the graduate program/graduation forms finished in the summer, so I'm hoping they are still ready to go because I've missed several timelines for a December graduation. I just need to submit copies of my study to the university. I think it's about time I got that finished up.

I have nothing profound to say today. I'm kinda tapped out right now. I went to Walmart after work to pick up some things I needed for my stained glass project, refill some prescriptions, and pick up some groceries and took a look at Christmas stuff. I'd really like to take some time just on my own and waltz around looking at Christmas stuff. Maybe that's what I'll do over Thanksgiving weekend. Or maybe I'll have some time this weekend or one of these days after school this week. Maybe this weekend I'll drag out my Christmas stuff and start getting ready to decorate! I've already started thinking about where my tree is going...and I've got a pretty good idea...I just have to figure out some cord stuff. And I just had an excellent idea. :-) good times.

Starlight, Starbright...

Tonight through tomorrow morning is supposed to be the Leonid Meteor Showers. I LOVE meteor showers. I happened by chance to catch the Orionid Meteor Showers one evening when I went for a drive. I thought I was really lucky for seeing a couple falling stars in one small amount of time. However, later on, I remembered that it was October and that was the time of those meteor showers. So thank you God, or whoever for making me restless and want to go for a drive in the almost middle of the night!!

So tonight I'm going to try to stay up late and catch some showers. Or maybe I'll go to bed early and get up super early and catch them. Either way, I've got to see me some falling stars. I look forward to this every year. I missed the August ones and I can't remember why.

When I was a kid, I was mesmerized by stars and all things related to space. I wanted to be an astronaut. I threw myself into learning all about that science -and I was rather smart about it too. I still am. I wanted to be an astronaut and fly on the shuttle. Even today whenever I see a shuttle launch or even hear of one I get chills and feel a yearning inside that connects me back to my childhood. I remember when the Challenger shuttle exploded. I was in 8th grade, in Civics class. Mr. Peterson was the teacher and I can't remember who announced it, if it was an announcement over the intercom or if someone came into class and told everyone...I'll have to ask a friend who seems to remember everything under the sun...but anyways, I remember I was sitting there and was shocked. It felt like a part of me died too, like it was one of my relatives or close friends on board that perished in the explosion. Mr. Peterson had a tv in the room and he turned it on and we watched it. Wait a second....was I in 8th grade or 9th grade?? Again, I'll have to ask my own person Rainman because I know he'll remember. But at any rate, that did not necessarily deter me from wanting to be an astronaut, but it did show me the realities of the dangers of space travel. But still, my love of stars did not cease.

I can't think of anything better but a crisp and clear night where you can see all the stars in the sky. When the milky way is visible. When you can see satellites and other aircraft and get fooled into believing they are stars. To me sometimes, it doesn't matter, they are still sparkly stars.

Do you know that the stars you are looking at might not actually be in existence anymore? Do you know that you are seeing the life of that star millions and sometimes billions of years in the past? That's how long it's taken the light to get to us in the form of the star. Also along that line, did you know that the light from the sun has a lag of about 7 minutes? The sun could disappear and we would not really know until 7 minutes later because the sun is so far away that the speed of light limits the light to a 7 minute lag.

Anyway, so tonight/tomorrow morning is the meteor shower. From now until then I'll have to compile my list of wishes in case I see a lot of them. Someday I want to live on a lake and take a boat out to the middle, drop anchor and watch the sky fall all night long. Wait a second...I DO live on a lake right now...but I don't have a boat. :-( gotta get me a boat for next year's nighttime light show!

Legal Eagles

Today I went to a law seminar in Minneapolis. It was ok...it was a school law seminar and most of it I had already heard in other workshops, so much of it was review. SO...I left early. There, that's my law story. :-)

That means I need to have something to talk about then. I'm not sure what I have to say today. Probably that life sometimes is predictable, and most of the time, life is not predictable at all. Take for instance, I thought it was supposed to rain today. The weather people predicted rain. It rained in Grand Rapids...but it didn't really rain down here. Maybe a few sprinkles. That really pissed me off because I had put off washing my car because I thought, hey, it's gonna rain anyway! So unpredictable.

Also, how can you predict when you'll get hurt? I certainly never predicted the morning I lost my left big toenail. How could I have known that I would rip that sucker off by a couch-moving mishap?

I think sometimes the strength of our character comes to light by the unpredictable events that happen. I don't think that is insightful or new; many people would agree and many plaques you can buy at the craft stores agree as well. But maybe I should talk about the predictable things.

Predictable things can be comforting or they can be mundane and boring. Predictability has an element of control; if we can predict what will happen, then we are in control -or at least we FEEL like we are in control and sometimes the FEELING of being in control is just as good as the REALITY of being in control.

Predicting outcomes also involves trust. When we are predicting things, we are trusting that things will turn out the way we have predicted or the way we believe has been predicted by someone else.

Predictability is also very comforting. It's comforting to know that something will always be the way it's always been, someone will always be there, events will always turn out a certain way, people will react a certain way, it will most always rain when the atmosphere is in a certain state. I think that's why horoscopes and other prediction vehicles are so popular. There's comfort in knowing and comfort in BELIEVING you might know because you predict it.

So predictability can be a good thing or an annoying thing because you know? Sometimes, who wants life to be all that predictable anyway??

You're Awesome.

Has anyone ever told you that you are awesome? If so, what did you think? Did you agree? Did you become bashful and say, "golly gee, little ole me??" Or did you think to yourself, "what IS it with people using the word 'awesome' all the time??" Maybe you said thank you, but inside you were vehemently disagreeing because you think you are crap.

I don't think we tell each other enough that we appreciate those around us -or even the people in our lives, in our "inner circle". I know I like hearing things like that and I can't imagine that most people don't. However, sincerity goes a long way when you tell someone they are awesome or that you appreciate them. You've got to really mean it and you've got to pretty much operationally define it -which means, explain exactly HOW they are awesome or exactly WHY or even HOW they are appreciated by you. Just saying to someone that they are cool isn't really enough. You've got to tell them why so that they understand what it is that you find so stunning that you have to tell them so.

We tend to keep a lot to ourselves. I keep a lot to myself. I don't think I intend to because I'm actively thinking about most everyone all the time, but that's about as far as I get. As adults, we don't always do this because as adults, we don't think we need it. Ok, maybe we don't -I mean, c'mon, we ARE adults, right? We aren't kids that need to be nurtured. Right? However, all of us are in some kind of relationship, whether than be a friendship, marriage, parent/child, co-worker, or just casual "you're my UPS delivery person" type of relationship. Relationships need to be nurtured too. We need to feel connected and most of the time, we wait for others to connect WITH us instead of going out to create and cultivate our own connections.

If we run around waiting for those connections to happen, we will be running around a LONG time because most of us will never find that. Everyone we interact with, have a relationship with, or consider having a relationship with could be waiting for that connection too. Then where will you be?

Children need to know they are loved, appreciated, respected, and wanted. They need to especially know they are all of those things for who they are. JUST for who they are. Not who we hope they will become, or how we wished they would be or act like. Even the naughtiest kid has SOMETHING that is special about them that we can appreciate. The naughtiest kid I ever knew was a master at finding places to break into places. He broke into my classroom. Yes, he was in trouble, but boy, did I appreciate that because I learned where my security breeches were after that. And I told him that. He behaved sooo good after that.

That was probably a fluke though because he expected to get kicked out like every other time he broke rules or did something extremely naughty -he held a fallacy that he was bad and completely acted that way. When I treated the situation as a wrong-doing but also a "thank you for showing me where people could break into this place, I really appreciate your talent in this area" situation, that comment made him pause and realize that maybe he wasn't ALL that bad and someone believed he wasn't all that bad either.

I think we can translate that sometimes to adults. We sometimes get into patterns where we feel we are a certain way or we always react a certain way. We become very one-dimensional and develop a very tunnel-visioned view of ourselves and our lot in life. However, if we are told that we are awesome because we stood up for ourselves in a situation where we usually term ourselves a "bitch" or an "ass", then maybe we can start seeing ourselves as someone who isn't as one dimensional. If we are told that we are appreciated for who we are even when we struggle to navigate though a difficult situation in our families or at work, maybe we will see that our challenges do not necessarily have to define us -or at least define us the way we THINK they should.

Our perspectives of ourselves are our self-concept. Self-concepts can be skewed. They can be under or over-inflated. They can be healthy. Sometimes they are severely damaged by other people. What I'd like to see more in the world is people helping each other BE better people, people helping other people SEE other sides of themselves -positive sides that make other people proud to know them, that make people proud to be THEMSELVES. It's almost like a "pay-it-forward" type of thing.

So, if you have someone in your life who YOU think is awesome, tell them. Be sure to tell them why though and what made you say that. It could be one little insignificant event like "you are awesome because you smiled to that old man sitting there who looked so sad." Then add an "I appreciate you" to that. Because most people don't choose to be around anyone they don't appreciate -or think are awesome in some way. And if you don't like the word awesome, buy a thesaurus or locate one online. There are TONS of words out there to use.

And please, if you have kids or know some kids or interact with kids, most DEFINITELY do this. And most DEFINITELY tell them why and how they are awesome and why and how they are appreciated. And mean it. Do it often, with sincerity, and maybe a nice hug too.

There, that is my soap box for the night. :-) I really appreciated the time you took to read this post. You're awesome because you didn't have to read it at all because I realize that sometimes I ramble on and on...like I'm somewhat doing right now. Thank you!

Bloggerific

I've been posting a lot lately. I must have a lot to say! Or maybe I've just had time to catch my breath and actually THINK about things. Work has settled down into a sort of organized chaos. Perhaps not very organized, so maybe the term should be "anticipated chaos". Because of that, I actually have time to think to myself. Plus, I've had free time in the evenings. That hasn't happened in a while...at least I think it hasn't. I can't quite remember October or the last part of September!! Wow, time I'll never get back! :-)

I met with my boss today. I told him I wanted to have meetings twice a month just to touch base because he's been gone so much with some health problems and now that he's back I need that face time to get some direction and to just chat about how things are going in the cooperative. I felt kind of uncomfortable because I asked him how I was doing and if there was anything I needed to be working on myself for my own job performance (we had just gone through a number of people's job performances informally) and the only thing even remotely close to criticism he had to say was that I need to find a better comfort level in just taking over things in a district if their leadership drops the ball. Apparently, I read people and situations better than any "young" administrator he's seen (definitely better than the last coordinator), he's astounded by my ability to understand what's "really going on" (because I'm a brand new administrator -and not something the previous coordinator was good at), and not only am I nice to people, I also convey a sense of cooperation or something like that to the people in the districts (again, something the previous coordinator did not do so well). That made me feel like I was doing ok. There are times during the day, at any moment of the day where I think, "oh shit. I suck at this sooooo bad". And I kid you not, I have done more "fake it til you make it" than I care to admit this year. But, I know I have good instincts about some things and I can make that work for me so thank God that's paid off!! There's a lot of pressure with this job though, but I like it. So today was good for re-affirming that yeah, I am in the right job because not only do I like this, I'm actually GOOD at it.

Today after work I went to Target to pick up a few things. It was so nice to just amble through the store, not on a time crunch or a mission or anything. I actually had to force myself to slow down and just gaze at stuff. I went through the Christmas stuff they have out already. I really really love Christmas decorations! I love this time of year because I can spend HOURS and HOURS looking at Christmas decorations. I can't explain it. I'll never buy any of it, but I love looking at it and thinking about how I would use it or decorate with it if I did buy it. It's almost like looking at stuff and making up a story to go along with it...no intentions to buy it, but appreciating it and placing it somewhere and giving it some kind of purpose in my head. Kinda daydreamy. That's pretty much how I go through the Christmas decorations aisles. Daydreamy. I love it. So I spent two whole entire hours in Target tonight. LOVED IT. I can't wait until there are more Christmas stuff on the shelf. Maybe during Thanksgiving weekend I'll just go Christmas decorations browsing.

That reminds me. I am trying to decide what I wanna do for Thanksgiving weekend. I already decided that I'm pretty much going to either bunker down at home and ignore the world or I'm going to go somewhere all by my lonesome with my phone on silent and do whatever I wanna do. I'll go to mom and dad's on Thanksgiving day and then go visit grandparents too, but no Black Friday shopping for me this year-unless I decide to go by myself somewhere....wherever I end up. I'll have fun deciding I guess. I have two whole weeks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to just play it by ear and go with the flow.

So now that that is settled, it's time for bed. I've got a full morning of meetings tomorrow. Lots of crazy kids these two weeks. Crazy kids and crazier parents. I am not really sure what is worse! Parents I think. Yep. Definitely. Wednesday I am going to take off super early to get down to St. Paul for a workshop Thursday-Friday. I kinda want to leave super early so I can make it down there before it gets too dark because I hate driving in the dark at this time of the year. The deer are just like flies sometimes. How annoying!! :-)

Change.

I spent the weekend back in my old stomping grounds, in the flatlands where I had lived for the last 10 or so years. It was interesting driving back there. I felt very good about the trip when I left, but as I got about 10 miles away, I started feeling anxious and a sort of a hopeless frustration I felt when I was living there. I don't know how to describe it or why that area made/makes me feel that way. It's not the people; I have very good friends there and I miss them very much. I'm really not sure what it is. Maybe that area represents a time in my life when I was just searching, then just waiting for the next thing...for my next "act". I knew I didn't belong there and it wasn't the place for me. That very fact evoked many different feelings because although I had made good friends there, I always knew I would be leaving and I would never be THERE always. I think that in itself was always unsettling to me.

So now I'm home and I have some things I'd like to do for myself before the weekend is over. I'd like to take a long soak in the bathtub. It's been a while since I have done that -and never have in my new place here. I'd also like to sort through some of my clothes and weed out the big ones again. I've "lost" some of my clothes...the ones I used to like a lot I've given away because they don't fit and then when I go to find them I am dismayed. For example, I had a really nice grey sweatshirt I LOVED, but found out I had given that away at some point. I have another one, one with Perham Yellowjackets on it, but it's not the same as the other one I thought I still had. Man I miss that one! Oh well!

One thing I do want to blog about today is change. Change can be good or it can be bad-depending on how you look at it. Most often, you can't control change -it's a natural progression that just happens and you just have to learn to deal with it. Learning to go with the flow and deal with change is one of our biggest difficulties in life I think. I know that I have moments where I struggle when things change. Relationships change, living arrangements change, and even simple things like your favorite brand of tea change as well. With every change comes an element of grieving of what once was with a resistance to what is now new. Even if it is a welcome change, there is still an adjustment period where we must adjust our way of thinking and living, even though we are happy about it. Change causes a level of adrenaline or stress (or "eustress" if it is a positive stress) to affect our equilibrium and disrupt our usual routine.

Some things, though, never change, even though we might change. I recently had a small posting exchange with someone on a social website about change. They said I had changed, but I insisted that I had not really, I had only just been able to show a different side of myself that hadn't been able to "shine" before because of other circumstances. They insisted that we DO change because God changes us and then they quoted a bible verse about being born anew in Christ. That's all well and nice, but I still believe that we cannot change completely unless we have that spark of what we change into already inside of us -we are not necessarily born NEW, we may appear to be, but we've always had that capacity within us, we just have not had the means or the way to tap into it. Whether the catalyst to reveal that part of us is by divine intervention or by our own perseverance and hard work -or by some other event that affects us greatly, it was always there. All the time -it is not "new". The word "anew" means to me "once again" or "repeated" or "in a new way". To me it does not mean completely and totally NEW and different. It is a resurgence of what was or what was already once there in some way.

However, I should qualify this response. If, by chance, a person experiences a physiological change such as a brain tumor or some other kind of traumatic brain injury, then perhaps one CAN change into something totally and completely new. If your brain and personality are affected by something physiologically or even if psychologically you are affected so profoundly that brain chemistry is affected (which sometimes happens in extreme trauma or abuse cases), then perhaps a person CAN completely change without having any sort of basis or inkling inside them already.

I used to be a very timid, depressed, fatalistic, quiet and passive little wallflower. However, inside I still felt I had a fighting spirit, a drive for leadership, a craving for confidence, and a zest for life I just could not access for whatever reason -and I often expressed these traits quietly and almost secretly -sometimes translating as being stubborn or noncompliant. Through my journey of adulthood, I've been able to conquer much of how I "used" to be and let how I "wanted" to be come through. I've made hard choices and I've worked hard to stay on this path of self-development. I've given a lot up in the process and I've made plenty of sacrifices. BUT, this change that happened in me was not "new". It could be classified as "anew" as I interpret it, but not totally, completely, and unabashedly "new" because I already had that inside of me.

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person. I struggle with "religion" because I find much hypocrisy and unhealthy thought put into religious doctrines that causes people to be very unkind to each other. I do not consider myself "religious" at all. I do identify with Roman Catholicism and call myself as such, but I do not feel I am a very "good" Catholic. I have a lot of disagreements with their dogmas and traditions. I find comfort and peace in the ritualistic nature of Roman Catholic worship services, the Mass, but I struggle very much with accepting in full faith a lot of things. I do not know of ANY organized religion out there that I have found that I could fully subscribe to. Catholicism is probably the closest I can say that I can agree with. However, personally, I feel that I have a bond and a relationship with a higher power that I access and communicate with on a daily basis. That does not make me religious. So to quote bible verses doesn't do much for me. I can interpret most verses five different ways, depending on what meaning I'd like to derive from them. That's the beauty of it though, I think, and what makes me feel more spiritually bonded with my higher power.

So I believe that my Creator gave me certain traits and gifts to work with and it has been up to me to recognize them and consciously decide to work on developing them to make myself a better person -or at least to make myself be who I feel I would like to be. The changes in me that have resulted have been both through grace and my own efforts. I firmly believe that. I can't take credit for all of it, but I can take credit for what has been presented to me as a chance for change. The changes happening around me require me to adjust my thinking and my perspectives of the paradigms I hold to allow myself to develop the ability to embrace the changes.

Change is difficult. When it doesn't come from you, when it is forced upon you, or when it blindsides you, it is a formidable opponent to reckon with. Grieving what once was can be a trap that some people never get out of. That can breed bitterness, contempt, anger, and an entire host of other negative, nonproductive emotions and states of mind -especially if we are not careful and remain vigilant. As much as I dread change usually, I also welcome it. It's a challenge for me and it allows me to flex my brain a bit -to consider other points of view and other patterns of thought. I think that's one of the coolest parts to being alive -having that ability to adapt to new and different things and the privilege to do so is actually one of our greatest gifts as human beings.

So things in my life are changing. Past relationships are changing, new ones are forming, lifestyle changes are happening, job changes have definitely been occupying much of my life right now, and I know there is more change coming around the corner in who knows what area. That's a constancy of life. If I've changed, it's only because I've flipped over my quilt to allow the underside that had been hidden to now show through; it had been there all along.

Guilt. A Mother's Finest Gift.

I had a weird dream last night. Let's see if I can remember it. It had to do with my mom and I only remembered it as I was typing the title to this blog entry. My plan for this entry today was to talk about how guilty I feel for not having anything to do tonight. I suppose there are things to do, but nothing that is very pressing.

My dream has to do with my mom...I think. At least that's the impression I felt when I typed the title and I'm pretty sure it does. I had some kind of dream about going somewhere or doing something. OH now I remember. I had taken my sister Audrey and her friend Katherine shopping in this very strange place with geysers and outdoor shops and we were trying to get tons of stuff done before my mom and dad came back from some vacation in this vehicle...not a car, but not a truck or RV. It was very strange. That's about all I remember. Very strange. Except whatever vehicle they had was red -a very deep red. Dreams are so very awesome. I have weird ones every once in a while. They tend to be vivid, they are always in color, and one of the things I remember most the next day is the color impressions in the dreams. Color is important to me.

Have you ever listened to a song or some kind of music and "saw" the music? I can -and I see it in the form of color ebbing and flowing. I also see letters and numbers represented as colors. I have no idea where or how this came to be -it's just how I've always been. Sometimes the colors switch depending on the mood I'm in or the context in which I'm thinking of or using the numbers or letters. I've honestly, all my life, thought everyone was this way and saw the same things. However, I've learned that this is not so. That's pretty cool. :-) It does make sense because I am highly visual. I am not a very good auditory learner -though music is different. I can hear a song and recognize it immediately the next time I hear it. However, you can tell me directions -very simple directions- to somewhere and you will lose me at the second turn. Always. I will smile, nod, repeat things like I'm following along, but I have absolutely no clue what you're saying and I'll just ask for the address at the end so I can plug it into my Google Maps and SEE the directions on a map. OR, if there is no address, I'll make sure I listen to how you're describing how things look like and I'll form a picture in my head and then make sure that as I drive, I'm looking for that. That's why I always ask what color people's house is and sometimes the colors around the house. I'll drive and even allow myself to get lost because every road leads back to some road that leads back to the road you were just on -and sooner or later I'll find what I'm looking for.

But today we're talking about guilt. I had CPI training today. That is Crisis Prevention Intervention which is a technique for de-escalating situations that can get out of hand with students and how to deal with students that become physically aggressive. I trained about 30 people today. I really like training-it's very fun and teaching the nonviolent physical crisis intervention techniques, the personal safety techniques and the physical control/hold techniques (formerly termed "restraint") is super fun for me. I LOVE it when participants actually listen to me when I say, grab my arm and do.not.let.go. -cuz I can get out of it. I like that because I can honestly demonstrate to the participants that these techniques CAN work if you do them right and with enough umpff. So I was busy with that all day, and fielding emails all day as well during breaks.

But tonight, I have nothing to do. I feel really guilty about that. I'm bored and I feel a little lonely as well, but mostly, what I am feeling is guilt. For a week straight I've had tons of work to do in the evening and on the weekends that I couldn't get finished AT work. Tonight and Tuesday night I had nothing to do. Tuesday I did laundry, dishes, and a bunch of other stuff to tidy up the house. Tonight I have absolutely no idea what to do. I could do SOOOO many things too. Too many choices, too many options. -but too much by myself I think. I do have a book from the library that I have to read before it needs to be back on the 10th and I could definitely write...and I suppose I COULD vacuum, dust, sort my CD's, exercise (God forbid), and call up some people I haven't talked to in a long time. But I'm stuck because I know that I COULD and then I know that I'm doing stuff that some people that HAVE tons of work to do can't do and THAT is what makes me feel guilty.

If there's one thing my mom taught me, it was guilt. And not necessarily in a bad way either. Guilt can be a good behavior moderator. It builds conscience and it provides scaffolding for motivation. Of course, there is a dark side of guilt that comes with that too that has to do with a feeling of being unworthy, not good enough, and "bad" -sprinkled with a HUGE dose of shame as well. But used in a healthy way, guilt can help a person make right choices -either right away, or after the fact when there is an opportunity to repair a fissure in a relationship. Guilt can be a mega-motivator!

One of my mom's favorite sayings was "See, Jesus punishes!" whenever one of us kids would get hurt or something after doing something stupid we KNEW was stupid or against the rules. Overt defiance was usually met with some kind of "payback" demise which was then ruled as "Jesus punishing". Today I find it humorous. When I was a kid, I am not sure what I thought of it -I think mostly I found it incredibly hard to believe that this guy who was supposed to be all nice and sweet and forgiving and loving would be so mean and judgemental for one eensy teensy little mistake. It had more to do with me being a stupid jackass than some otherworldly being punishing me. I was more or less punishing myself. -and I think that was punishment enough!

So tonight I still feel guilty. It immobilizes me and I can't quite figure out what to do with this free time. Maybe that's what it is too. When you are so insanely busy and running on adrenaline all the time putting out fires left and right and then cleaning up all the messes later, it is extremely difficult to stop and just "be". I think I know how to just "be"...but I haven't mastered the skill to just "be" and not feel guilty about it. Unapologetic, with no shame and no reproach. No worrying that I should be doing something else or what I will have to do tomorrow.

Maybe that never stops. Maybe that's what being an adult is all about -maybe that's what holding down a professional job, climbing the career ladder, and managing all the balls in the air for that is all about. I have a strong suspicion though that it's not -not "all". I do believe, however, that there's a time and a place to just "be" with no forces pulling at you. Just as there's a time and a place to just "be" AND have that stuff still in the back of your mind. That's life. You can't control everything...you can only control your reactions. I can't drop balls just to give myself a break. That's ridiculous. BUT, I can give myself a break after I deal with all the balls and they are either suspended in the air by themselves or are on the ground. That's when I can just "be". -and not feel guilty about it.

Still...having nothing to do is wonderful, but having something to do is wonderful in its own right as well. Having nothing to do when I know that there are others in my life who have far too much to do for one person still makes me feel guilty. I don't know how to change that. It's not Jesus punishing me or them...it just "is". It's life and life sucks sometimes. It's not fair and it certainly isn't right sometimes, because my mom would also say in this situation "who told you life was fair?". I should consider myself lucky that I have the opportunity to just "be" with no real obligations tonight.

Guilt. I learned about it from my mom, with help from church and parochial school of course. But what I really learned was that I can make it work for me and let it keep me grounded, or I can let it bind me and snuff out the light in me. So tonight I'm going to try to "be" without feeling guilty about doing nothing, even though life isn't fair and I can't control or change anything other than myself.

The Human Condition

This week I've had several moments where I was amazed at the human condition. The ability to bounce back after a profound loss -to keep plugging away when all you've got is a huge hole inside you, the interwoven patterns in our lives that try to both devastate us and keep us afloat all the same, the power of camaraderie and sharing, the point at which one has to ask, "Is this the right path for me? And if it's not, what would I be satisfied with?", and the infinite love and adoration a parent has for their child who will never be "normal".

This morning I was in a meeting with parents for their child who is incredibly mentally ill. Although I was only there as a support for all parties present: the special education teacher, the principal ("the district"), and the parents (including the student who was not present), I was a part of the meeting and the experience changed me a little. I can't go into details, but what I do want to communicate is what I saw in the parents. Here is a mother who has a child who she knows is never, ever going to be like anybody else. This child will never, ever live a "normal" life; the child will never, ever be "easy" to parent. Here is also a step father who is absolutely in love with this child and you would never guess that he was not this child's biological father -he has a bond and a love so strong that it's unfathomable.

Mom and dad know this child won't be "normal" and they accept that. What they do not accept is the fact that under "ordinary" circumstances, "normal" people might have given up on this child or put this child in some kind of facility to manage them. These parents choose not to; they are dedicated to being a family WITH this child, even though people think they are crazy and continuously refer them to social services for neglect. There is no neglect here, there is only a shift of the paradigm of what it means to deal with a special needs child in the arms of the family.

Mom and dad have chosen to celebrate this child's strengths and this child's uniqueness. This child's condition causes very immature behavior and even though the child is older than elementary school, the child's best friend is a 4 year old because the 4 year old is playful, kind, nonjudging, and "safe" to be friends with for this child. Mom and dad support this. The child sees the world completely different than "normal" people and what this child sees is often incredibly frightening. That's hard to manage sometimes and causes many things we take for granted (like looking into mirrors, having someone smile at us, and simply our sense of touch) a very big deal for this kid to handle without a whole lot of support. This child would be a handful for anyone out in the community. The child is very strange and would definitely be looked at as crazy, weird, and parented poorly by the general public -and has been. However, I know this kid's story, I know this family's story and it astounds me.

This family has made some very hard choices and has chosen to live with the quirks, challenges, and almost danger this child presents with. We often say in education, especially special education -and in fact, in any human services field- that it's not the kid's fault. People are born sometimes with huge challenges. It's not fair, it's not right, and it is really too bad. But blaming the child, and oftentimes, blaming the family is counterproductive to progress because it's not their fault so we cannot treat the situation like that. Sitting there in that meeting, listening to the mom and dad speak so lovingly, with humor -both self-depreciating and joyful- about their child, I felt incredibly privileged. While there are several things this family has chosen to do that I am not sure I would agree with, I've got to admit that I don't live their life. I don't live with the constancy of the challenges this child presents and I don't live with the stigma of having such a child. So to see two people keep a family together while still advocating so very well for their child was humbling to me. I'm not sure I would be as strong, as resilient, as supportive, as accepting, and as tolerable as these parents are -or have learned to become.

It really gives a person perspective. It shows how the human condition is resilient and how we do have the ability to make hard choices and make them work -even when it takes so much out of us. It's difficult, it makes us cry, it drains us, and it tries to steal our very soul, but in the end I think if we look back, we can see that yes, we embraced this challenge and we treated this special child as a human being, respecting the difference as part of them -just as we would respect their preference for dark meat over white meat.

To be able to see the wonderfulness of this child shine brighter than the differences and the "wrongness" of the child's condition is a personification of grace. So very often we see the bad of the human condition: the wars, the anger, the dysfunction, the meanness, the selfishness, the greed, etc. I could go on and on. But at times like this, when I get to be a part of this kind of experience, I'm reminded that we are wondrous in our existence -we CAN be wondrous if we make the choice. These are the great moments in my job. When parents and families allow me into their lives and allow me to experience their lives, their challenges, their triumphs (as small as they might be at times), their love for their child, I am humbled and thankful to be able to see this side of humanity. And sometimes I am even more privileged and am invited into their lives to help if I can.

When life is easy, I'm not really sure if it's worth living. If we have something we struggle with, something that tears us apart at times, I think that is when we can fully access our humanity. Sometimes we reach out, sometimes others recognize our struggles and reach out to us. Sometimes we are lucky enough to experience the grace of another person sharing their humanity with us.

November!

Can you believe that it's November already??? I cannot. Wow. Time is just flying by. In some ways that's very good. In other ways, that's very bad. I can't say "It's only October" now when people ask if I like it here and if I'll be back next year. I'll tell you, there are several things that I would be interested in seeing through next year that I'm starting this year...but there are far too many things up in the air, far too many choices and far too much time between now and spring to really know the answer to those questions.

I've gotten back into writing and that's probably why I haven't kept up this blog lately, not to mention I've been super duper busy and just have nothing left for much of anything after all the work is done. I keep a small journal in my purse and jot stuff down now and then and have my notebook by my chair when the mood strikes. I write about nothing and everything and it's only for me. That's the cool part. I think that everyone should do that and I've forgotten how nice and cathartic that can be for me. A friend recently referred to me as a "writer" and I said, what the heck are you talking about? And he reminded me of my notebooks. I don't consider that as being a "writer"...but maybe so. I never thought about it that way. It's just been something I do, especially when I have a bunch of stuff in my head I want to get out, need to get out. Writing is just my way. I don't talk a lot. I consider that "wasting words" sometimes. My words are written. That's just how I've always been. Also, I think this place has really been an inspiring place for me as well. I've been calm (for the most part), I've had clear thinking (for the most part) and I've been able to take delight in everything I see around me.

Want to know something cool? The other night, I think Saturday, Halloween night, I was pretty bored around 10pm and decided to have some tea with a hit of scotch. I had been drinking tea all day. In fact, I'm on a tea kick right now and it's awesome. So I was bored and there was nothing on tv and I was kind of restless, feeling blue and lonely because I was all by myself on a weekend that most people have fun. That was my choice and I didn't have to be alone, but I had chosen that. Anyway, around 10ish, I decided to drink my "irish tea" (that's what I call tea I put booze in) outside on the front deck in my Adirondack chair (my favorite kind of outside lounging chair!!). I was just there, enjoying the dark, enjoying the quiet, enjoying the subtle sound of rain still falling through the sparsely leafed trees, drinking my irish tea and feeling warm and a bit more content. I heard a rustling to my left and thought it was the wind, because it was sort of windy that night too -kind of the perfect "it was a dark and stormy night" without much of a storm. I looked over and saw a shadow moving. It was a deer. It walked across my front lawn, not more than 15 feet in front of me, pausing for a little bit when I took a drink of tea, then ambling on across my driveway into the neighbor's back yard. That was simply wonderful! Then, last night, I came home after running up to gas up my car and pulling out some cash from the cash machine and turned into my driveway to see a deer in the driveway and a smaller one in the front yard. They certainly didn't stay long after staring for a little bit when I stopped the car! -but nonetheless, another beautiful thing. Profound.

Let me tell you why these instances were so profound for me, especially the one Halloween night. I've had several times throughout my life where I've seen deer in very strange places very unexpectedly with an air of quiet reverence surrounding them. One of the first times I can ever remember was when I was in college and my sister Amelia and I had come out of Lakes Cafe in Perham after having breakfast for some reason. I think it was breakfast...I'm not sure really. We were almost run down by a deer running through the back parking lot. At first, I thought it was a large dog, like a golden lab, but nope. It was a deer. That was one of the strangest, most "you'll never believe what I just saw" moments in my life. Amelia can vouch for this event!! Then several times, I'd see deer here and there, like on the I94 bridge between Fargo and Moorhead. Granted, it was during a time of high flooding, but still weird and I called the police dept to report it and the lady thought I was playing a prank on her. Most of the time, I see deer in places that sort of make sense, but at completely unexpected times before a turning point in my life or before some kind of change or upset (good/bad, doesn't matter...and usually the event SEEMS bad at the time but is actually the best thing that could have happened in the long run).

So now I'm introspective because it's been twice in 2 days that I've seen deer unexpectedly in my yard. I should expect this, actually. Deer are incredibly common here and there have been deer tracks down by the lake and in my driveway (Audrey can vouch for the driveway tracks!!) countless times. But for me to encounter the event is significant to me. Always has been. And these deer never ever run away from me (unless they are already running or I deliberately scare them). They just stare at me and watch me intently...kinda creeps me out too. I don't know what they mean or what's going to change/happen...I never do until I reflect on it later, and it's usually something highly personal...I just become aware. So now I'm just being introspective about it and have decided to go with the flow. Introspective and just riding the wave of life right now. :-)

So that's my deer story -and a little disclosure of my world as well. Do I read too much into events? Maybe. But I'm pretty much in tune with myself and intuitive enough to recognize significance when it happens. I've got to admit that I believe in signs, I believe in fate, or God's Will, whatever you want to call it, it means the same to me. I don't believe we're predetermined, but I definitely do believe we're presented with paths and we make our own journeys through our choices and behavior. And some things are just too crazy unbelievable to not believe in something like fate. Far too many things have either fallen into place good and bad for me not to believe that. There have been many times/events/instances where it's almost felt like "clunk", there's another piece of the fate puzzle that just fell into place. It's been a strange year of that for me; a very strange summer/fall.

You know, now that I think of it, I had a VERY strange weekend. Friday night I swear to God I was having such strong deja vu and I can't even describe it right now. Some people believe that deja vu events are essentially "do-overs" where we have the opportunity to make a better or just different choice to affect an outcome. I'm not sure about that, but when that feeling happens, I am very careful to be very cognizant of every choice I make. Then, Saturday night I had my deer encounter. Sunday was ok but still unsettling.

So...now I've written a book, but if you've read this far, it means you've read all this anyway, so I guess it was interesting enough to keep your attention. :-) I have lots more to say. I think I need to start saying more -I sometimes don't because I hold an old false belief that no one wants to hear anything I have to say. That's an entire other post and probably not one for this blog, probably one for my notebooks. Far too personal. But nonetheless, I've got a lot to say, and to sign off, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Henry David Thoreau that means quite a bit to me:

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."